


Picket Fence

by iamthatfriend



Category: Big Hero 6 (2014)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Incest, M/M, Self-Harm, this fic has lots of triggers on abuse so please know that going in
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-19
Updated: 2015-04-29
Packaged: 2018-03-02 06:19:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 18
Words: 78,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2802611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamthatfriend/pseuds/iamthatfriend
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Things are tense between the Hamada brothers. One wants their relationship to be how it always was, and the other begins to feel trapped. There is no way to escape the feelings, and Tadashi's over-protectiveness only makes things worse for Hiro. "I feel... suffocated." Hiro mumbled. "I can't do this with you anymore. I need some space."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Suffocation

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This is an in-progress fic that will jump around chronologically between what is the most current thing happening, and flash backs to Hiro and Tadashi's childhood. It also may include things that have happened previously, but in the other's perspective. If this is something that confuses or disinterests you, that was your warning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDITED 1/2/2015  
> This chapter contains self-harm. Also, it is still an in-progress fic that started off un-beta'd. Right now it's going through the process of being beta'd by the lovely Crimsonflowerz. So far chapter 1 is the only chapter posted with beta edits. Will keep this updated to let ya'll know when a chapter has been beta'd, and when the entire fic has been completely finished with its final edits.

  1. **Chapter 1//** Suffocation.



 

            Hiro jumped a mile in his own skin when Tadashi dropped him on the floor of their bedroom. Tadashi had dragged him by his ear from his moped all the way inside. Usually when Tadashi bailed Hiro out of his shenanigans he let him off easy compared to this. Hiro would just hide behind his computer screen to shut out Tadashi’s lecture. But today, today was the breaking point for his older brother.

            “It is one thing to always have to save your _ass_ from those ridiculous bot fights.” he started off fuming. Hiro might have found his brother cursing at him funny, since Tadashi rarely swore. But this was real anger. Hiro had crossed a _line_ with his brother, and he knew this was worse than the usual disappointment.

            “But _pot_ of all things, Hiro? Jesus-”Tadashi threw his hands up in the air, not even looking at his younger sibling who was curled up on the floor. After a long pause, Tadashi sighed at him.

            “Stand up.” He still held a strict tone, but Hiro could sense a hint of guilt coming from his older brother with how harshly he just treated him. Hiro scrambled to his feet with his head down.

            “I wasn’t going to _smoke_ it... I was just going to sell it.” Hiro mumbled knowing that wasn’t going to build his case any, but for whatever it was worth he had to let Tadashi know that.

            “There’s hardly a _difference_ , Hiro,” he scolded not knowing what to do from there. “I can’t handcuff you to this house; but its crap like this that makes me wish I could.” He started pacing and Hiro was _oh-so_ tempted to take a seat at his computer, and just shut all of this out. But when he made the first step towards his desk, Tadashi moved to stop him.

            “Don’t you _dare_. You’re not shutting this out. I’m not going to let you waste your life like this.” Tadashi spoke as if he had just read Hiro’s mind. He took a deep breath in to hold back from saying, ‘ _What would mom and dad say?’_

            “Why do you care so much?” Hiro asked stubbornly, “It’s not your life I’m messing up! Why can’t you let me figure this out for myself?”

            “I care because you’re all I’ve got left!” Tadashi’s voice cracked, and he flinched when something rubbed against his legs. When he tilted his head down to find Mochi looking up at him, he relaxed a little. He crouched down to the cat’s level so he could scratch underneath her chin. “Alright, so we have you too, Mochi,” he cooed at her before looking up at Hiro. “And yeah, we have Aunt Cass... but she’s at her limit too. She doesn’t know how to handle this rebellious phase of yours. She wants to help, and so do I. Hiro, what’s going _on_ with you?” As he raised back up to a standing position he watched Hiro carefully- looking for a sign, any clue of what was going on in that big brain of his.

            After a long pause Hiro groaned, frustrated, and rubbed his temples furiously. “I don’t know- I don’t know, okay? I’m not like you, Tadashi. I am not a perfect little angel- and I don’t want to go to your _dumb_ nerd school. I don’t need to be taught things I already know, okay? You keep acting like that would fix everything. But it won’t. Trust me.”

            Tadashi wanted to be angry, he wanted to defend his school, but more importantly he wanted to understand Hiro. So he just subsided his anger for now.

“Okay fine. I wasn’t going to mention that tonight, anyway. I just want to help you figure something out. If not _my_ nerd school, what about another one? Is there anything _legal_ that peeks your interest? Anything at all?” he relents because he had exhausted every argument for SFIT, and if Hiro was just so against it, _fine_ , he wouldn’t try anymore. As long as Hiro directed his time doing something more- positive, he didn’t care at this point.

            Hiro shuffled his feet as Tadashi continued to pace the room. “I- I don’t know.” he replied honestly. “I just know I don’t want to be a carbon copy of you. I want to be...” his voice trailed away as his brother interrupted him.

            “Is that what you think, Hiro? That this is a contest?” he shook his head in disbelief. “So what if we both like building robots? We’ve got our own style, and one is not better than the other. I never want you to feel inferior to me, in fact, I know if you put that knuckle head of yours to use, you’d easily surpass me.”

            Hiro scoffed because he didn’t know how else to react. Of course he knew Tadashi would have a comeback for that, but even so, he couldn’t let him know the real reason behind his acting out. “Can you just, like, give me time to figure this out for myself? I appreciate your help... I just don’t have an answer for you right now.”

            Tadashi finally stopped pacing. “You have to give me an answer by the end of this week. Otherwise I’m getting rid of that computer until you do something with that brain of yours.”

            Hiro opened his mouth to argue, but when he saw the look in Tadashi’s eyes he figured it would probably be wise not to.

            Tadashi stayed home for the rest of the night to keep an eye on Hiro. Not many words were exchanged from that point on. Since it still seemed like a sore subject, Hiro decided to tinker with his fighter bot instead of going online before bed. While his brother sat cross legged on his bed, reading through one of his college text books. About an hour before bed, Aunt Cass came up with a snack with some milk for the two of them, and she gave them both good-night hugs before leaving them again.

            It was so hard for the older brother to understand. Hiro was so loved, and cared for, he didn’t have a clue where all of this defiance was coming from. For the past several months, the two brothers have been at war with each other. Hiro was nearly fifteen now, and hadn’t done anything since graduating high school two years ago. During the first couple months Tadashi didn’t bother him at all, he figured there was no need for Hiro to jump right into school. He deserved a summer break like everyone else. But after five months had passed, he had really noticed his bot fighting had become an issue. He was sneaking out nearly every night... Tadashi silently thanked whatever was keeping Hiro from finding the trackers in his hoodies, because it was the only thing letting him come to his brother’s rescue when he needed it. ~~~~

            But Tadashi was reaching his limit, too. Today was the most angry he has been with Hiro ever. The illegal bot fights were one thing, but to become a _dope_ dealer? That wasn’t the brother he remembered growing up with. There was something Hiro was keeping from him, and he knew everything would be so much easier if he just opened up... but there was only so much Tadashi could do. He had a lot of time to think about it, whatever Hiro was keeping from him. Even though he had some guesses he couldn’t be sure. These were the only things he knew as fact: Once upon a time the two of them were practically inseparable. However, shortly after Hiro graduated he slowly started becoming distant from his older brother. At first, Tadashi had thought it was because he was spending more time at school. No matter how many times he offered to take him, Hiro always rejected him. He figured it must be something else. The only conclusion Tadashi could draw was that Hiro was harboring something deep within him that he felt he had to keep hidden from his family. There could be various reasons he felt that way. It might just be too personal, something that would be too uncomfortable to share with someone; even if that someone was not only your brother, but also your best friend. Maybe he felt like Tadashi wouldn’t understand, or was just unsure in general how he would react.

            No matter how many times Tadashi had asked Hiro what was going on he always diverted his question. Coming up with something convenient to argue about, but Tadashi read right through that. It was just the words behind the excuses he couldn’t distinguish, like it was written in brail.

            Giving up on his reading for the night, Tadashi closed his text book and peeked up to see that Hiro had dozed off at his desk. The older brother got off his bed, walking over to him with a small smile forming on his face. He poked at his forehead gently.

“You’re gonna be sore tomorrow if you sleep like that all night.” he scolded, but the younger one didn’t budge. Tadashi just heard a light snore in response, which caused him to roll his eyes.

            “Come on Hiro...” he rubbed his shoulder gently, because he didn’t want to startle him too much; but even _that_ didn’t wake him.

            “Alright fine.” he muttered (to himself he supposed), easily scooping Hiro up as he carried him to his bed. He even went as far as pulling the covers over him; tucking him in with extra care since he didn’t want to wake him at this point.

“Night kid.” he ruffled his hair a bit, and shut off the light before going back over to his side of the room to settle in for the night

 --

            The next morning Hiro was woken by his older brother. “Hiro! Hiro!” he was shouting, and it wasn’t until he opened his eyes that he realized that his brother had went as far as grabbing him by the shoulders to wake him.

            “What’s going on? Is there a fire?” he asked relatively calmly. He squirmed out of from under the covers, out of his older brother’s grasp, not realizing until then how hot and sticky he was feeling… especially in a particular area. He scrubbed at his eyes with his palms in attempt to cover up his blush, hoping Tadashi wouldn’t comment on anything.

            “I heard you practically crying in your sleep. You kept saying my name...” As his voice trailed away Hiro noticed where his brother’s gaze had fallen.

            “Heh. That’s weird. I don’t remember any of that.” Hiro muttered, shifting to try cover up what his brother already saw.

            “ _Right_... sorry for waking you.” he mentioned, quickly turning away. “I’m uh... going to heat up some left overs Aunt Cass has in the fridge. Want any?”

            “N-no thanks.”

            When he was gone Hiro tugged at his hair angrily. He _knew_. Hiro heard him say it. _Tadashi_. Tadashi heard his own name come from Hiro’s lips. The way he said it, when he put two and two together, wrenched at Hiro in the worst kind of way. How could he eat now that his brother knew his dirty secret? Tadashi could pretend all he wanted that he didn’t know, and maybe he didn’t know _everything,_ but now, for the first time- he had an inkling.

            Tadashi didn’t come home at his usual time that night. When Hiro went downstairs for dinner, that’s when Aunt Cass told him that he would be staying out late with a study group. As much as Hiro wanted to take advantage of this time to go bot fighting, he decided against it. After offering to do dishes, Hiro scurried back into his room wishing he could disappear into a black hole. But the more he thought about this morning, the more desperate he became. Since Tadashi wasn’t going to be home, Hiro decided he would indulge himself, just this once. It wasn’t true what he told Tadashi earlier. He remembered every second of that dream. God, it was still so vivid in his mind. His older brother hovering over him, touching his body in ways that he had never been touched before. His bigger hands pressing Hiro down on the bed to keep him still as his lips connected to every inch of him...

            “Tadashi...” Hiro whimpered, his hand down his pants now, and he laid down in his bed just how he imagined he’d be if his brother was actually on top of him. He had his hand beat on his hard on, feeling relentless as he got close.

            “Tadashi, more- _please_ -” and when he came in his hand, he felt sick. How could he do this- even after today? How _could_ he.

            He stripped down to throw his clothes in the ~~dirty~~ hamper, and willed himself to take yet another shower for the day. What he didn’t expect was to take three hours in the shower. He didn’t want to do it, but he ended up jerking off again, even after feeling guilty about the last one. But this time it was even worse than before. The depression was finally sinking in, and Hiro looked down at the razor blade he had brought into the shower with him. He curled up under the shower head with his legs spread. His eyes laid on the faded cuts on his thighs. Some were light and faded, but others were deeper, and some weren’t even fully healed yet. At this point he was hardly phased by the scars. This was his anchor when Tadashi couldn’t be. This was how he managed to keep it all from him. But now it was all over. His hiding space was shrinking all around him, and he cut deep. There was no point in trying to hide anymore. So he slashed at his inner thighs, making more marks in one go than he usually did. He spent a whole hour making every cut release a pain he felt in his heart. Usually he didn’t cry when he did this, with the exception of his very first time. And well, now- Hiro felt hot tears fall from his eyes, contrasting the shower that was now running cold. He dropped the razor, and sat there with his head in his knees for at least another hour.  A knock on the door is what finally drew him from his trance.

            “Hiro are you in there?” The voice revealed itself as Tadashi.

            “Uh, yeah just a sec!” he yelped back and quickly got out and changed into his pajamas that were thankfully already in the bathroom with him. After he exited, Hiro took a step to the side. “It’s all yours.” he mumbled avoiding his brother’s gaze.

            “Oh, I don’t have to use it. I just- you’ve been in there for over an hour.” Tadashi mentioned with a blush on his face; which rose a panic in Hiro’s facial expression.

            “You’ve been here all this time?” he couldn’t help but sputter.

            “I just got home a little over an hour ago,” he said though by his voice Hiro doubted he was being honest. But in case he was, Hiro decided not to mention it was more like three hours.

            “Aunt Cass said you wouldn’t be home. She said you had a study group or something.” Hiro said as he rubbed the back of his neck. This felt so weird. What was he supposed to say?

            “Oh they all went out for drinks instead, and I decided to just come home ~~instead~~.” he sighed, and eyed Hiro as if he were contemplating saying something more. Honestly, Hiro didn’t know what to make of the expression. All he knew was that it made him feel so small in comparison to Tadashi.

            “Hiro I want to talk to you about something.” he brought up after a long pause.

            “...What is it?” Hiro responded reluctantly.

            “I want you to listen to me, okay? Don’t shut me out...” Tadashi began ~~with~~ and Hiro nodded slowly.

            “I won’t, what’s up?” he asked, trying to sound casual, but in truth his heart was pounding like crazy.

            “I- uh- well, there’s a show case coming up at SFIT. And I know you’ve told me no like a hundred times. But I really think you would like it there. It’s more than what you’re picturing, trust me.” After Tadashi spoke, Hiro relaxed.

            “Really? You’re coming back to this again?” Hiro couldn’t help but snap. “I told you I don’t want to go there... I can’t.”

            “Why not? Give me a _real_ reason this time.” Tadashi pushed. He wanted Hiro to finally tell him what was going on. He didn’t want to keep guessing. The older brother needed to know what he was dealing with here. When Hiro didn’t say anything Tadashi was tempted to smack him. He wanted to scream, ‘ _Just tell me!_ ’ But that wasn’t him- Tadashi was the triple C. Cool, calm, and collected in every situation. When dealing with someone as wild as Hiro, he had lots of practice, too.

            “Tadashi, why can’t you learn to just leave things be? I want to be left alone!” Hiro croaked, wrapping his arms around his midsection fearing he might actually vomit.

            “I can’t. I _can’t_ leave you alone okay? You’re my responsibility. You’re-” Tadashi stopped himself from saying the word he was about to say: ‘ _mine’_. Hiro was his. His to protect, ~~his~~ to love, to watch over; his to be with forever. And so many other things that he didn’t have the guts to say.

            “I’m what? I’m irresponsible? I’m a child? I can’t handle anything on my own?” Hiro persisted; and Tadashi just groaned.

            “Forget I said anything.” he concluded finally.

            Hiro blinked feeling confused. Was he really being let off the hook that easily this time? He raked his fingers through his hair. “No- no I am _not_ going to forget. Just _say it_.” Hiro challenged.

            Tadashi closed the distance between them, staring down intensely at Hiro. “No. It’s _your_ turn to say how you feel.”

            That was it, Hiro thought. Of course, this was a trap for him to confess his love. He knew Tadashi wouldn’t say it for him, and he wouldn’t ever let this go until Hiro finally fessed up.

            “I feel... suffocated.” Hiro mumbled. “I can’t do this with you anymore. I need some space.”

 

 


	2. Stop That

**2\. Stop That**

    When Hiro was in kindergarten he still found comfort in sucking his thumb. Whether he was at home or in school, it didn’t matter... The habit just stuck no matter how many times he was scolded for doing it.

    The teacher had the class doing simple math sheets, which Hiro finished in about ten seconds. Who didn’t know what 9-4 was anyway? So he spent the rest of his time doodling on the back of his work sheet little sketches of robots. After taking a look around, to see the teacher had her back turned away Hiro took his idle hand and brought up to his face. When he felt it was safe, he did what he always did as he made his designs... Not bothering anyone else; just off in his own world map. One that was more complex than this classroom full of little kids who struggled to count backwards from ten on their own fingers.

    “Mrs. Krei Hiro’s sucking his thumb again!” a shrill voice taddled. Hiro shot the girl across from him a hard glare. Which she poked her tongue out to in response of his stare.

    “Hiro stop that right now.” the teacher demanded hovering over him then gasped when she saw him drawing instead of working like the rest of the class.

    “Why aren’t you doing the worksheet Hiro?” she scolded snatching it from him and her face hardened as she turned it over.

    “As you can see I finished it already. It was really easy.” he mumbled wiping his thumb on his jeans now that it was cold from having to expose it back to the air.

    “You should have asked for another worksheet.” she scolded, and pointed to the time out chair. Hiro walked over there where she instructed him to sit on his hands so he wouldn’t be ‘tempted’ to put his fingers in his mouth.

   After about five minutes Hiro had already disobeyed the rule, and his thumb back in his mouth. It comforted him, and being in this chair with nothing to do but watch the kids around him snicker at him made him feel nervous.

   “Hiro!” Mrs. Krei shrieked when she caught him in the act. She whipped her head around the room stomping over to her desk where she grabbed a roll of duct tape out of her drawer. When she reached Hiro again she forcibly grabbed his thumb out of his mouth and bound his wrists together shoving them down onto his lap.

   “Next it will be your mouth if I catch you doing that again.” she warned then turned away to go check on the progress of her other students. Anxiety he had never felt before rose in Hiro’s chest. Could she just... do that to him? Embarrass him like this in front of everyone? He felt hot tears run down his face, and he jumped up on his feet bolting for the door.

   “Eli-- stop Hiro!” Mrs. Krei shouted at the young boy closest to the door. He stood up not wanting to be next... and he shoves Hiro with all his might causing him to fall to the ground. But as he fell his face hits the corner of a desk chair, nearly swallowing his own tooth from the impact. All the kids were dead silent watching Hiro’s crumpled up body on the floor.

   Mrs. Krei ran over to him, and hurriedly yanked off the duct tape from his wrists as another teacher entered over hearing some commotion.  
“What’s going on here?” Mr. Callaghan questioned his eyes widening as he saw the younger of the two Hamada brothers on the floor. He instantly goes to his aid. “Stay with your class Mrs. Krei, I will escort Hiro to the nurse.”

   When they were finally out of the room Hiro silently thanked him for coming to his rescue. After he was looked after, and the bleeding had stopped in his mouth Hiro was brought into the principal’s office.

   “Don’t worry you’re not in any trouble,” He was assured, “You’re auntie is coming to pick you up, and everything will be okay. I just need to know what happened. Are you okay with telling me what happened?”

   Hiro shook his head frantically. “Tadashi. I want Tadashi.” he pleaded still shaken up by the whole thing. The principal granted his request, and when his older brother entered the office and saw Hiro his face fell.

    “Tadashi!” he exclaimed bouncing out of his seat to hug his brother. “I don’t want to go to this school anymore.” he nearly sobbed.

    “What happened Hiro?” Tadashi questioned running his fingers through the mop on top of his younger brother’s head.

    “I-I was done with the worksheet... so I started to draw on the back.... robots... and I-I was...” he hiccuped as he tried to get it out.

    “Sssh... it’s okay... it’s okay Hiro. I’m here now.” he spoke softly giving the principal a quizzical look.

   “I was just sucking my thumb, and Mrs. Krei put me in time out. And, and I had to sit on my hands... and time out is supposed to only be five minutes, but I was there for ten... and- and I started to do it again, so she taped my hands together. And-and then I got scared so I started to run away.” he hid his head in his brother’s chest hating that he had to relive this terrible thing over again so soon.

   “Hiro...” his brother’s voice was soft which helped the younger one relax a little better, “what else happened?”

    “She yelled at Eli to stop me from leaving, and-and then he pushed me! I fell over... and hit the table... and now my tooth is gone see.” Hiro opened his mouth to flash his two missing front teeth. The first tooth fell out a couple weeks ago on its own. The tooth fairy came that time, “Will the tooth fairy still come even though I was naughty?” Hiro asked feeling ashamed.

   “Hiro. Listen to me. You didn’t do anything wrong.” Tadashi told him trying his best to not let his own voice waver. The look he was now giving the principal was almost menacing.

   The principal explained them that he would thoroughly investigate the situation himself , and no teacher of his would ever do that to Hiro again. Even though the assurance hardly put either of them, or Aunt Cass’s mind to rest they all went home together since Tadashi promised Hiro he would stay by his side for the rest of the day.  
Aunt Cass treated them both to ice cream, and Hiro stayed glued to Tadashi’s hip the whole car ride home.

   “Dessert before dinner, I should get my teeth knocked out more often.” Hiro joked when he had finally calmed down again. The laughs he got in return were light hearted, and he hoped that things would cheer up soon... He hated when he had to see his older brother all torn up like this. It hurt him in a way that was hard to explain aloud, but his heart sort of flopped in an unusual way and his tummy turned into horrible knots whenever he saw that Tadashi was upset.

   The first time he had ever witness it was when their parents had died. Hiro, of course, was upset too... But what hurt him the most was having to see his brother grieve. And of course, Tadashi was strong for his little brother... It was just the look in his eyes that killed Hiro the most.

   After dinner was served Tadashi and Hiro went up to stairs to ready themselves for bed. That night Hiro didn’t even have to ask for Tadashi to read to him as he got settled in under the covers. It’s what mom and dad used to do for them back when they were still around... And Tadashi didn’t want Hiro to lose out on that just for that reason. So it began as just a them thing, Aunt Cass too on some nights, but on the weekdays she was busy closing up the cafe around the time Hiro had to be in bed. Sometimes, because of this Tadashi let him stay up a little longer, but tonight after the long day they had Hiro was ready curl up under his brother’s arm for story time.

   The two of them had started reading Harry Potter together at the beginning of Hiro’s school year, and were on the second book already. Tadashi started off reading, but he let Hiro read some paragraphs helping him with words that weren’t in his vocabulary quite yet. Being drawn into the world of Hogwarts was the perfect way for Hiro to end the night. Even at a young age Hiro recognized how important Tadashi was to him. Whenever things seemed tough he had him to turn to. And the sun really did shine much brighter with him in his life.

   After a chapter and a half in, Tadashi felt his younger brother become heavy in his arms, his head fully on his chest as he used him for a pillow.

   “Hey don’t fall asleep on me now...” Tadashi mumbled but it was already too late. Not wanting to wake him, Tadashi closes the book, and shifts around just a tad so he could get comfortable too. He draped his arm over Hiro giving his sleepy brother’s temple a good night kiss. Then once he’s comfortable, he finally falls asleep right along with him.

    That was the last day Hiro ever sucked his thumb.


	3. Outer Space

**Chapter 3: Outer Space**

     Hiro dwelled on the argument from the previous night. Tadashi’s voice cut into his mind like an exacto knife, “You need some space? Alright fine. I will give you the space you need.” And without another word Tadashi left with no explanation as to where he was going. ‘Fine’, Hiro thought defiantly. ‘I don’t need him anyway.’ This was what Hiro had wanted after all. And now that Tadashi was out of his hair he could finally go out bot fighting. Though somehow it felt too easy with Tadashi suddenly agreeing to give him space. Whatever it didn’t even matter. If Tadashi really wanted to use up his energy to stop him... that was his choice. Hiro didn’t have to feel guilty about it anymore.  
When he was in downtown San Fransokyo, he did his best to walk with confidence despite all the thugs hanging around in alleys, and in front of night clubs. He ducked his way down the street where the bot fight was being located, and weaseled his was way in with his usual act of innocence.  
After winning three bot fights in a row, Hiro dipped as he noticed the tension growing. Luckily he had enough money now to buy his own moped, so he sped down the streets in that feeling an adrenaline rush from the scene he was leaving behind. This was what made him most happy. Maybe it was just a synthetic kind of happiness, or a high... something temporary... something to get him through the crap life had thrown at him.  
     

    “Don’t touch me!” a girl hollered, Hiro craned his neck to witnessing a sketchy looking dude crowding a girl against a dumpster in one of the alleyways. He rode past about a block until he let out an elongated sigh. Of course he had to do something. He grabs his megabot out of his bag, and very quietly goes back over to where the girl was... Her cried had only gotten more frantic since he had rode past, and he watched as the guy grabbed her wrists with one hand as the other went up her skirt. Hiro was thankful the guy’s back was turned... as he set his megabot down in front the cement in front of him.  
As quickly as he could he set up the bot, and had it charge at the guy in full out attack mode.  
      
    “What the fuck?!” he heard the guy grumble trying to fend off the bot as it stabbed at his throat, and eyes. Hiro watched as the girl slipped away from the guy, and started running in the opposite direction. ‘Good, she got away,’ he breathed a sigh of relief.  
   

     “Hey there’s that kid!” Hiro heard off in the distance, “And there is his stupid bike!” Hiro whipped his head around to see a gang of people running towards his moped, witnessing them knocking it over and beginning to kick the shit out of it. There were at least six of them, and the other three were running towards him... He already knew his megabot wouldn’t be able to take on all of them, but at this point he wasn’t about to run away like a little kid. Hiro wanted to finally stand up to the bullies.

    Well, that thought process ended up being no good. After the destruction of a $300.00 moped, and nearly being killed by a gang of four (Hiro was able to take out a couple of them before they snatched the remote controller from him smashing it into several pieces; taking turns taunting him as they stomped all over it). The first shot was a knee to his groin. A sensation both painful, and humiliating. He felt like he might actually throw up with how many punches to the gut he endured. His vision became fuzzy, as he was crowded against a brick wall. It was sheer will power that he was able to stay conscious through out the whole beat down. And eventually there were sirens, and the punks wailing on him started running away in attempt to escape the police. Hiro clutched on to his stomach as he was helped into an ambulance. When they asked if they should call anybody, at first he said no... But then after some persuasion they called his Aunt, who met him in tears at the hospital.  
   

    “Hiro, what is going on with you?” she asked setting a hand on his shoulder.

     Hiro flinched in guilt knowing his aunt didn’t deserve to have to look after such a rebellious nephew.  
        
    “I didn’t beat myself up. Some thugs did it.” he muttered defensively, but her look made him shiver. “Okay so I went bot fighting... b-but I got away! And it would have stayed that way but there was this girl... Aunt Cass... I’m being serious... There was a girl in the alley way and some guy was harassing her, so I used my megabot to take him out. And then that’s when the people who lost all their money caught up to me... but, I realized something maybe my bot fighting is good.”

     His aunt gave him a skeptical look, but he went on anyway. “Not for bot fighting illegally for money... but to help take out bad guys like that guy who was harassing the girl I saw.”  
       
    “What you did for that girl was very nice Hiro, but you can’t just go roaming the streets with your megabot looking for trouble. It’s way too dangerous.” she scolded and waved her hand at him as if that were example enough.  
      
    “I can make a stronger megabot,” he argued even though it was a losing battle, “One that can defend me better in these situations. Aunt Cass... I don’t want to go to that dumb nerd school, but I actually have finally figured something out even if it was under a bad circumstance. Isn’t that at least a little good?” his voice wasn’t so confident at the end, but when her demeanor softens... and she gave a little nod Hiro knew that things were going to be okay between the two of them.

      It was Tadashi who came in panting that he was worried about. He had a wild look in his eyes until he was staring down Hiro in the flesh.  
   
    “I can’t believe this!” he spoke in a harsh whisper, keeping it down at least a little since he was in a hospital, and he didn’t want to disturb the other patients.

      Aunt Cass hurried over to Tadashi, and set a caring but firm hand on his chest, “Listen to me. Now’s not the time to be angry with him.” she told him flat out. “He was just protecting a girl who was being harassed.”

     Hiro was relieved that she was willing to bend the truth just a little bit for his sake.

     “So you weren’t out bot fighting?” Tadashi questioned his tone less harsh this time.

     Hiro hesitated, and opened his mouth to speak but Tadashi shook his head.

     “Save it. I promised I’d give you space...” he looked back at Aunt Cass. “Are you going to be okay taking him home? I just wanted to make sure he was okay...”

     “Yes, but... you just got here...” Aunt Cass said as he turned to leave.

     “Don’t worry Aunt Cass. I will be home later on tonight. I got to let Honey Lemon know everything is alright. I sort of cut our date early to rush over here.” he gave her an apologetic look. “I’m glad you’re okay Hiro.” And with a wave of his hand Tadashi was gone as soon as he entered.

     “Did you two get in an argument again?” Aunt Cass wondered worriedly.

     “Not really...” Hiro muttered not sure how to feel about Tadashi mentioning being on a date with a girl. “I just asked him to give me some space... I hope he didn’t take it the wrong way.”

     Aunt Cass hummed in response, then settled back in the chair beside his bed. The two of them watched what was on the hospital TV, Hiro constantly thumbing through the channels until finally after two hours they decided it was okay for him to be released.  
At home, Cass prepared some soup for Hiro which he ate gratefully. “Do you think I was at fault for telling Tadashi I needed space?” he asked out of the blue.

     “I don’t know Hiro. Why do you feel like you need to be away from your brother?” she asked not in a condescending sort of way. She was genuinely curious since the two of them have always... always been so close.

     “I can’t really say.” he replied honestly. “It’s nothing to do with him... I just... I feel like I depend on him too much, and he deserves to go on dates and be his own person... I guess I sort of feel like I’ve stolen that from him.” As Hiro confided in his aunt he was glad when she nodded in an understanding sort of way.

     “Tadashi really has looked out for you over the years. But I don’t think he would have done it if he didn’t want to. He really cherishes you as his brother, and it might really hurt his feelings if you don’t explain to him why you want this bit of separation. You know how he gets sometimes... he feels like things are his fault, or he is the one who needs to do something differently... when that might not actually be the case.” Her words sunk into Hiro like a tiny little pebble being thrown into a big sea that was full of wonder. Hiro was that pebble. Yes, he was intelligent. But it was stuff like what Aunt Cass was telling him at that moment that was the stuff he often over looked. Hiro’s way of living was he knew things could, ‘go without saying’, but Tadashi was different. Though he was the older brother he needed confirmation. He needed to be told things before he believed them to be true. Where as Hiro always just went with his own conclusions, rather then trying to look from other perspectives.  
And so, that night when Tadashi finally made his way up to the bedroom Hiro knew they had to talk. Yes, it was the talk Tadashi wanted to have yesterday. But Hiro hadn’t been ready for it. Honestly he wasn’t sure if he would ever be ready for it, but he had to try not to shut out his older brother.

     “Tadashi...” he piped up as his brother went directly to the other side of the room. No response. “Hey Tadashi!” he raised his voice and turned in his computer chair to look and see that his brother was putting some things into his backpack.

     “What are you doing?” he asked.

 

    “Do you really want to know?” Tadashi scoffed his tone was obviously bitter.

    “Yes. That’s why I asked.” Hiro mentioned standing up to try to grab his brother’s attention more seriously. He even dared to walk all the way over to that side of the room.

    “Listen Hiro... I was thinking, you’re right. You deserve to have some space. I didn’t mean to smother you or anything... You’ve been right this whole time. You deserve to be able to make your own mistakes... and you shouldn’t always have me as a safety net. I have to learn to let you have that since that’s what you want.” His tone sounded just how Aunt Cass described before he came up here... hurt.

    “Tadashi. Can I say something?” he asked but he went on anyway, “I didn’t mean what I said yesterday... Well I did... I just... Can I tell you better? I feel like it’s not just me feeling suffocated. But you...? I never heard anything about you going on dates before today. If you were able to worry about me less... you can have an actual social life with your friends. You always cut out early... skipping out on going to the bar, or doing actual fun stuff with them... because you’re always coming home to me. And it’s true that maybe you wouldn’t feel like you have to if I was more responsible...” his voice trailed away as he heard Tadashi snort at that.

     “But maybe... maybe I am this way because I want you to fuss over me.” Hiro said his voice was quiet, and he couldn’t believe he just admitted to that. Wasn’t that like admitting his feelings? He’d have to wait and see how Tadashi reacted.

     “Look Hiro. You don’t owe me any sort of explanation. I get it? I am too overbearing, and you are... growing up.”

     “Have you listened to what I just said at all, Tadashi?” he questioned doing his best not to raise his voice at him.  
Tadashi turned around, and that’s when Hiro smelled it. The alcohol on his breath as his brother looked down at him, and he was looking up.

     “Have you been drinking?” Hiro accused with an amused tone.

     “I’m allowed to, aren’t I?” he responded simply, and the younger brother just shrugged.

     “Yes, yes you are. This is what I -want- you to do. I want you to do this shit. Go drink. Go party with your friends. Get laid for crying out loud! Stop worrying about me... I don’t deserve all of your attention anyway.” Hiro took a step back then as Tadashi laughed slightly at his outburst,“Okay, so... are we good?”

     “Yeah... yeah we’re good.” Tadashi confirmed. He tossed the bag he was packing on to the floor, and Hiro went back over to his side of the room.  
So maybe things weren’t perfect, but at least they were good. And maybe the two of them were on two different planets right now... Maybe Hiro was trying gravitate away from his brother in attempt to save a relationship that was already falling apart. Maybe all that was true. But even though Hiro may feel like he was in outer-space floating further and further away... he still had to obey the rules of Earth’s gravity. So, even though things were good right now. And he was far enough away where things weren’t spiraling out of control... It was only a matter of time before Hiro came spiraling back down crashing right back into Tadashi’s gravity.

      Denial was not a cure for what was imminent. Not for Hiro. And certainly not for Tadashi who may have been the bigger fool out of the two of them. He would never tell Hiro this, but he really hadn’t been on a date with Honey Lemon. Sure, she was a convenient excuse... since he knew the feelings were certainly there. But as he laid in the dark space that was his side of the bedroom that night, and the following nights... he thought about -why- he lied to his brother. He thought about how the other day when Hiro had a wet dream over undoubtedly...him... his own brother. Of course, Tadashi was going to play dumb. And he played dumb when his brother admitted to wanting all of Tadashi’s attention. But this... this was definitely not the first sleepless night Tadashi has had over his little brother. He has had so many, long before the signs started showing up for Hiro as well.

      Denial was not a cure for what was imminent. Not for Hiro, who was lost, floating in space. And certainly not for Tadashi; the black hole that sucked him into all of this in the first place.


	4. Merry Christmas, Hiro

**Chapter 4: Merry Christmas, Hiro.**

        After a few sleepless nights, Hiro was finally able to fix his megabot. He didn’t go out at all due to recovering, but he sure did long to stretch his legs even if it was just going downstairs into his aunt’s cafe. When he made it the final stretch down the three steps into the cafe, he plopped himself down into the nearest table to relax his aching muscles. His aunt’s face lit up with delight at the sight of him being out of bed.

       “How ya feeling?” she asked walking over to him with a stack of dirty dishes in her hand. She carefully set the dishes aside on the table next to Hiro, then pulled out a chair to sit across from him. Meeting her eyes was no easy task for Hiro at the moment because he felt as though she was reading through him. Scanning him in a sense. There was just this look in her eyes that she got every now and then that felt like... she knew exactly what he was thinking about.

       “I’m okay... my stomach still hurts, but I haven’t thrown up at all the past couple days so that’s good news...” he mentioned trying his best to sound optimistic for her.

     “I meant in there.” she spoke poking his forehead playfully.

      “Well my head’s fine... they didn’t hurt that at all...” Hiro mumbled not too sure what she was trying to get at here.

      “You know, I’m always here for you.” she told him, and a moment later her hand was rest a top of his.

      “I know Aunt Cass. I really appreciate how much you do for me, and Tadashi...” he replied, and still he didn’t know what else he was supposed to say... but by the look in her eyes he could tell she was expecting more. She shook her head, muttered something under her breath about how it obviously wasn’t enough then walked away with the dishes in her hands again.

        Hiro furrowed his brow in confusion, not at all sure what to make of her comment. But since he hated how torn up she looked he decided to follow her into the kitchen despite how much it hurt himself physically to do so.

     “Wait Aunt Cass, am I missing something here?” he asked watching her carefully as she began hosing down dirty dishes.

     “Apparently it is me who is missing something.” she rebutted.

     “I’m sorry Aunt Cass. I don’t understand. Is everything okay? I didn’t mean to scare you with the fight I got into... I know my bot fighting upsets you and Tadashi. The truth is... I’m just feeling a little lost right now. I don’t want you guys to worry about me. I promise I will figure myself out... if not for me... but for you guys...” as he responded he didn’t expect his Aunt to pull him into a dish-soapy hug.

     “Is that why you’re cutting yourself Hiro? The doctor’s told me about it... when they were examining your wounds, and dressing you into the hospital gown... they noticed the marks you were trying to cover up... on your thighs?” She questioned all of this, and Hiro didn’t know what to say or do. He just stayed limp in her hug, and she held her nephew tighter.

      “I’m sorry,” is what he finally decided to say. “I’m sorry. I am really sorry Aunt Cass...” he mumbled and she rubbed his back consolingly.

      “You don’t have to do that to yourself. You can always come to me or your brother.” she assured which caused Hiro to draw back almost instantly.

      “T-Tadashi knows about it?” he questioned with a frightened look in his eyes.

       “I haven’t told him... yet... Hiro. Why are you so scared to let your brother help you?” she reached out for him but he stiffened which made her hesitate.

       “Please, -please- Aunt Cass. Don’t tell Tadashi about this. He’s got enough on his mind, I don’t want him to fuss over me anymore. I-I promise I won’t do it anymore. Just please don’t tell him.” Hiro begged and in that moment he realized he hadn’t begged for anything since he had asked for a soccer ball for Christmas back when he was just a little kid.

     “Hiro I don’t know if I can keep a promise like that. I am very worried about you... and I don’t know how to help you.” she responded. Ever since becoming a parent was basically forced upon on her (though she had no objections); it was something she felt very insecure about... How to be a parent. Especially to two kids who lost their parents taken from them at such a young age. Especially for Hiro... she couldn’t fathom all the emotional trauma he has been through not only with that, but all the bullying he endured before graduating early. His Aunt had speculation the reason he was so against going to college was because he was basing it off his previous experience with grade school.

    “I understand that-- but I swear to you I wont do it anymore. I swear. Telling Tadashi wont help me. I have to... I have to help myself for once. I can’t depend on him this time.” Hiro explained and his Aunt relayed a long sigh.

     “Alright Hiro... I am going to trust you, but if this rut you are going through doesn’t seem to get better for you... I can’t keep this promise anymore, do you understand?” Hiro nodded and hugged his Aunt again mumbling out, “Last hug” before going back up to his room again to rest.

     Between Tadashi working on his final project for the semester, and studying for written tests Hiro didn’t see too much of his big brother. He would catch glimpses of him coming home late at night, dead beat tired, crashing into his bed falling asleep almost instantly. What Hiro wasn’t expecting was to be awoken mid day by Tadashi the day before Christmas.

     “Is there a fire?” Hiro questioned like he normally did when his brother did this; peeking up at Tadashi with one eye open noticing he was already dressed for the day to come... a certain familiar dread lingered over Hiro that he was hoping wouldn’t happen this year.

     “Hiro get up.” he said, “you’re not getting out of today. Besides I know how much you love it~” His brother taunted. Hiro groaned attempting to pull the covers over his head, but Tadashi much quicker, and much stronger than him yanked them off his bed.

     “Tadashiiii no please. I don’t want to!” he yelped as his brother grabbed him by the legs, swinging Hiro around behind his back.

     “Ho-ho-ho!” he cheered, “Is my little elf pumped up yet! It’s for the kids, Hiro!”

     Hiro groaned in an exasperated tone, “Fine, fine I’ll do it just put me down.”

     Tadashi jumped around the room one last round, and carefully set Hiro back down on his bed. “Alright now go get changed and we’ll head over.” he instructed.

     Hiro, taking the costume from his brother begrudgingly, stomped into the bathroom to get changed. Once Hiro was ready, three of them: Aunt Cass, Tadashi, and Hiro made there way to the soup kitchen for the homeless. On a normal day, the shelter served soup for people all day until night fall. And on days like Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Easter... They served a holiday feast for them. And on Christmas, handing out presents to them all. Clothes, for adults and the their kids. Any essentials, plus whatever toys that were donated also were passed out to the kids. It was a tradition for the boys and their Aunt to come here to help volunteer. Back in the day it was their parents who got them into it. Tadashi and Aunt Cass were determined into keeping the tradition alive. Not just for themselves, but for the people in need as well. Santa (Tadashi) pulled Hiro to the side as their Aunt went inside with the cranberry sauce, and even though it was hard to take him seriously through the snowy beard Hiro knew Tadashi was giving him an intense stare down.

    “Hey... put on a smile in there, okay? These kids need some Christmas cheer. And we have the privilege in passing it on to them.” Tadashi spoke and Hiro nodded meekly.

     “I just hate this stupid elf costume. It gives me a wedgie the whole time I’m wearing it.” Hiro muttered tugging at the tights to prove a point.

      “Well when you grow a few inches I’ll let you be Santa instead of just Santa’s little helper.” Tadashi ruffled his little elf cap before nodding for them to go inside. Hiro scowled but followed him in regardless, and followed what Tadashi said feeling like he deserved at least a little cooperation from his little brother. He knew he was more than a bit of a handful to deal with lately. And even though that wasn’t what his intention was... he knew he needed to at least be on his best behavior on Christmas.

    When everyone started filing in, Hiro dished out the mash potatoes with the most elf cheer he could muster. And when a little girl later asked for a hug, he obliged. Feeling a bit of pride that he had someone to bend down for.  As soon as they pulled back from the hug the girl pecks his cheek turning away back to her parents giggling.

    Hiro couldn’t help but smile at the kid, when his brother ‘Santa’ made an appearance sitting on a sofa chair near the Christmas tree full of wrapped presents. They had all the kids line up. It was Hiro’s job to grab a present based off ‘boy’ or ‘girl’, and he knew all the presents were probably not what the kids really wanted for Christmas but he handed them over to Santa with a smile. And he watched as the kids opened in Santa’s lap giving him a grateful hug every time. Towards the end of the line, he saw a hopeful look in one boy’s eyes... and Hiro bent down to pick up one of the last presents and handed it over to Tadashi. When he opened it to see the hot wheel his face fell a little. There was no grateful hug from this kid. In fact he shoved the present back at ‘Santa’ and stormed away.

    Hiro felt an odd pain his stomach wondering if he should try finding him something else. It only made him feel worse when he noticed his mother scolding him for not appreciating the gift. But the boy didn’t care he just sat with his arms folded in silence. His mother finally gave up, and let him just sit there. But Hiro couldn’t do that.. he walked over to him.

    “Hey... what’s your name?” he asked taking a seat next to him.

     The kid sort of shifted away but grumbled out, “Max.”

     “Hey Max... My name is Hiro... and I am guessing you didn’t want those stupid little hot wheels huh?”

     “I get them every year.” he mumbled, “I just want a remote control helicopter. I really wanted one... I got all good grades and was nice to my mom and did everything she said and Santa still just gave me the same thing...”

     Hiro gave him a sympathetic look until an idea popped up in his head. “Hang on. I think I’ve got something better.” he ran off to find his backpack he brought with, and pulled out his mega bot. He walked back over to him, and handed it to him.

     “It’s a mega bot.” Hiro told him. “But you have to promise to use it for good.”

     The robot definitely peeked his interest. And when Hiro handed over the controller he explained how to use it, and the boy thanked him excitedly then ran off to show the mega bot to his mother.

    “You really did something special for that kid.” Tadashi said setting his hand down on his younger brother’s shoulder.

     “Eh... it was no big deal. I was getting bored of that one anyway.” Hiro replied with a shrug. Tadashi hummed in response, and then went off to help clean up dishes; Hiro following the suit. It was well past nine when everyone was cleared out, including all the volunteers. Aunt Cass had volunteered the three of them to be the last ones to go and lock up. She handed Tadashi the keys to lock up the front, as she went out the back way to lock up the back door.

    Hiro followed behind Tadashi... the two of them half dressed out of their holiday costumes. Tadashi had taken off the beard, and pulled out the stuffing from his red jacket, as well as the Santa hat so he didn’t have to burn up while doing dishes. Then there was Hiro who had taken off the stupid hat that jingled with even the slightest of movement. He even went as far as putting his hoodie on over the costume in a half-assed attempt to cover it up, and had his regular sneakers back on too because, yeah the elf shoes jingled too. On top of all that he spent a good ten minutes scrubbing the blush his aunt had plastered on his face earlier in the day.

    “I’m proud of you Hiro... you put a lot of smiles on those kids’s faces today.” Tadashi said as he opened the door to lock it. There was a faint ding of a bell that the two of them had blocked out all day until that moment. Above their heads was a mistletoe. Hiro clucked his tongue as he registered the awkwardness of it all.

    “Thanks... I’ll meet you in the car.” he announced and wormed past Tadashi to move outside, when he felt a grip on his arm reeling back to his brother’s warmth.

     Hiro felt a hitch in his breath feeling a heavy weight in the pit of his stomach. He blinked up at Tadashi who was looking back at him with an expression Hiro was finding hard to decipher the meaning of. For a moment time seemed to freeze. All except for the cold wind bouncing off Hiro’s body. He leaned into his brother subtly to stay warm. Was Tadashi really thinking about kissing him right now? He didn’t know if he should say something or try harder to move away from him again. None of this made sense to Hiro... What was Tadashi thinking? Sure no one was around right now, but Aunt Cass... she’d be coming from the back way any second. He didn’t have much time to think about it though, because Tadashi was bending down to his height... and Hiro closed his eyes instinctively when he felt it was coming. His brother let out an airy laugh for a brief second before his lips were pressing against Hiro’s. The younger brother’s face grew hot in those couple seconds that the kiss lasted, still consciously aware of the grip Tadashi had on his arm. When the two of them drew back he opened his eyes again noticing his brother’s face was just as red.

    “Merry Christmas, Hiro.” his brother’s voice rang sweet as honey near his ear. And Hiro nodded idly.

     “Yeah... you too.” he breathed back too caught up in what just happened to be able to say anything else.


	5. Night Terrors & Nightmares

**Chapter 5//** Night Terrors  & Nightmares

 _Don’t panic / No not yet/ I know I’m the one you want to forget/ Cue all the love to leave my heart/ It’s time for me to  
_ _fall  
                                                                                                                                                                                       a  
                                                                                                                                                                                        p  
_ _a_  
                                                                                                                                                                                          r  
                                                                                                                                                                                           t  
                                                                                                        ---

    Christmas Day Hiro woke before his brother, so he could wrap the present he had hidden underneath his bed. When Tadashi did finally stir awake he followed the trail of eaten cookie crumbs “Santa” left during the night and found his Aunt Cass already brewed coffee for the morning. He poured himself some, and joined her and Hiro by the Christmas tree.

    “Good morning,” he said in a muffled sleepy tone.

    “Merry Christmas to my beautiful men!” Aunt Cass’s voice rang eagerly as she hurriedly divvied out the presents.

    The two of them opened hers first knowing exactly what they’d be.

    “A new cardigan!”

    “Another of the same exact hoodie.”

    Though their tones varied in different enthusiasm they both got up to give her hugs, and besides that wasn’t the only gift she had gotten for them after all. After Hiro opened a new hard drive for his computer he definitely perked up some. And Tadashi was near tears when she handed him a watch that belonged to his father. Hiro shifted a little uncomfortably as he watched Tadashi look at it with such fondness. He probably had lots of memories to go along with that watch, where as when Hiro looked at it... It was just a faded gold watch that could use some upgrades... After the moment passes for Tadsahi it was time for Hiro and him to exchange gifts.

   “You didn’t throw it in a trash bag this year!” Tadashi proclaimed giving the box a shake or two before pulling apart the ribbon.

   “Aunt Cass may have helped me a little.” he said looking down at the envelope Tadashi gave him. Were they really supposed to be this informal... _a gift card_? But when he broke the seal he nearly jumped out of his chair with excitement.

   “Fall Out Boy tickets?!” he pumped his fist in the air excitedly.

   “Woah Hiro... how did you even manage this?” Tadashi asked examining his new soccer ball. With an autograph from none other but Lionel Messi his favorite player.

   “I have my ways.” Hiro replied smugly. “So, uh, you want to come with me to this concert?” “Are you sure? I got you two to bring somebody... It doesn’t have to be me.” he mumbled rubbing the back of his neck with a reassuring smile.

   “No there’s nobody...” his voice trailed away for a pause, “I want you too.” he knew the look Tadashi was giving him without even looking up at him. It was the look he gave every time he mentioned that his older brother was his only friend. A pitiful look of sympathy .

   “Alright. It’ll be great! Wow... this is incredible, Hiro. Thanks so much!” he looked back at the autograph again, and the younger brother could tell something was off with Tadashi... But he let him breeze over it, if for just one reason because they were being watched.

   Seconds later Mochi drew out the most hideous meow as Aunt Cass stuffed her into a cat sweater. The two boys laughed at how tightly it stuck to her.

   “I even got it as a medium size sweater...for dogs!” Aunt Cass admitted with a snort.

   “It’s okay Mochi. We just gotta take a few pictures, and then we’ll get you out of this miserable thing.” Tadashi scratched behind her ears, but even from across the living room Hiro could see the scowl on the cat’s face. Which really just made for comical family photos. And so, the three of them plus Mochi spent the next hour taking silly photos for Aunt Cass to put into her scrap book, and send to other relatives.

   The gang spent the rest of their day playing board games together, sipping on hot chocolate, and eating the delicious food their Aunt made. Hiro (secretly) enjoyed the holidays very much because it was time he could spend laughing, and being himself where usually he had to hide what he was feeling. But when surrounded with Christmas cheer, and fun things there wasn’t any room for the sadness that sometimes lurked inside him. Sure there was one moment during ‘Clue’ where Hiro spaced out (since he had long figured out it was Professor Plum, it is always Professor Plum, with the revolver in the ballroom). And while he was zoned out he thought of the night before when Tadashi kissed him under that mistletoe. He could feel his face growing hot again just thinking about it. How was he supposed to act around his brother after today? Was this something they would acknowledge again... or was it just a spur of the moment thing for his brother... He didn’t know what to think.

   “Earth to Hiro Himada.” Tadashi’s horrid impression of E.T. bringing him back to claim victory.

   “Yeah? Sorry... is it my turn?” he asked and both Aunt Cass and Tadashi nodded in response.

   Hiro rolled the dice doing a little fist bump to the air when he had enough to enter The Ballroom to make his accusation. Which was correct causing Tadashi to groan dramatically.

   “I was just about to go there too!” he slapped his cards down, but Hiro knew it was just an act with the smile his older brother had plastered all over his face.

   After that game Tadashi dismissed himself to meet up with his friends for a Christmas party, and Hiro knew that if he would accept his offer on applying to SFIT they could be his friends too... But no, he couldn’t want that even though he did. He just couldn’t.

   “Want to play some scrabble and delve into that pumpkin pie?” Aunt Cass wondered once Tadashi was gone, and Hiro nodded. He wasn’t going to let his sudden mood drop affect spending time with his Aunt. After all he did enjoy her company very much.

   “So. Yesterday was pretty fun, huh?” she mentioned as they grabbed their letters from the velvety-sack.

   “Yeah. Definitely. Though I’d love to get a different costume for next year. Maybe I could be like a cyborg elf instead.” he joked.

   “You know, if you wanted, you could always volunteer on other days too where you don’t have to dress up as an elf. They love you over there, and it might help... you know... with what you’re going through.” she suggested, and Hiro sort of gave her a quiet nod in response. It wasn’t that he was opposed to that idea or anything. But whenever the subject of ‘what he was going through’ came up... Hiro couldn’t help that the walls came up and defended him against his better judgement.

   “What is it exactly do you think I’m going through Aunt Cass?” he wondered his tone was sour, but he wouldn’t spark an argument with her. Not when she was only trying to help him. He had to remember that.

   “I don’t know. Depression maybe? You said it yourself you feel a little lost... and I don’t know, you seem more like yourself when you are helping others...” she replied as she began placing down her first word, and Hiro tried not to cringe at it: _love_.

   “Alright I’ll check it out. I have to get a different hobby anyway.” he agreed rearranging his letters to figure out what word he could make that would give him the most points. Aunt Cass perked up at that and seemed to drop things for a while as they focused on the game. Until about halfway through she let out what she had on her mind probably that whole time.

    “You could be out with your brother right now, making friends... I’m sure they’d really like you.” she told him, “I am flattered you rather stay home with me, though.” she quickly recoiled when she saw the look her nephew was giving her.

   “Do you remember... when I used to get night terrors?” he asked her after taking his turn, and when she nodded he waited to see if she was going to elaborate.

   “You and Tadashi had just moved in with me... And Tadashi would run to your bed trying to wake you, but I told him you just had to wait them out... watch over him to make sure he doesn’t fall off the bed... but that’s all we could do.”

   Hiro nodded too, “And every time that happened I woke up with Tadashi holding my hand... and I wouldn’t ever know why until you both finally told me what was happening.”

   “Yeah. With a little research we knew you wouldn’t remember it when you woke the next day... and you were so small when it had started... we didn’t want you to be afraid of going to bed at night.”

   “And you were right. Because once I knew what was going on I had trouble falling asleep. I wasn’t afraid of sleeping. I was afraid of worrying you and Tadashi. Like now, how I’m afraid that...” Hiro’s voice catches in his throat, and he cleared it quickly to avoid the swell that was threatening to rise.

   “Well, even though they did go away. I’m afraid they’ll take on a new form.” he said noticing his aunt’s confused expression. “If I apply to SFIT, be closer to Tadashi, and have his friends be my friends... I wont know what’s real. Are they my friends because they really like me or because they want Tadashi to be happy? Does Tadashi... really want me around as much as he thinks he does or will he regret it? How can I become my own person if all I do is follow into his foot steps? If I go there I will be silently screaming and thrashing in my own mind. I wont know what’s real or what’s supposed to be real...” Hiro combed his fingers through his spikey mane, and his Aunt got up off her chair to kneel by his side.

   “Hiro. Honey. It’s okay.” she rubbed his shoulder to relax him, and he dropped his hands from his hair, his arms collapsing on to the table.

   “No... no it’s not. Aunt Cass.” he groaned while face planting into his arms to hide the distressed look on his face.

   “Hiro you’ve got such a brilliant mind, of course they would like you for you... And Tadashi would never regret having you around at his school. College is different from elementary school, middle school, even high school. The bullies either grow up or get jobs at the super market, and SFIT is a school for brilliant minds like yours... No one is going to beat down your ideas there.”

   But even as she spoke Hiro just shook his head. “I’m sorry... it’s just... I don’t want to go there. I’ll volunteer, I’ll get a job, anything... I just don’t ever want to go back to school.”

   “Okay... that’s fine Hiro... You don’t have to.” she assured him. Eventually she got Hiro to turn to give her a hug, and they ended their night together watching late night Christmas specials on the living room couch.

    Tadashi came home around 1 o’clock in the morning... He smiled when he saw the two of them sleeping upright on the couch curled into each other. Tadashi grabbed an extra blanket from the closet carefully tucking them in before heading upstairs to go to sleep himself. The Christmas party was great, and he wished Hiro could have went. But as he promised he would give him his space.

   Sleep didn’t come so easy for Tadashi because he had last night on his mind even more so then Hiro. Why _did_  he do that? Tadashi didn’t have an answer for his actions... other than they were inexcusable. The reasons why may not have been clear, or how it got this bad... The feeling that’s what he knew his brain had answers to. _How_ it felt when their lips pressed together, how it felt when Hiro leaned into him as the cold hit them... How his heart jumped when he saw Hiro close his eyes just before their lips brushed together... That was all still vivid in his mind, but _why?_

    Throughout the night he tossed and turned until eventually falling into a deeper sleep, but even then his subconscious haunted him.

  _Tadashi was up exceptionally early for a college student, surprised to find that even Hiro was sleeping soundly in his bed._

_‘Coffee time. Lets go.’ Tadashi made his way to the kitchen where no surprise to him at all... she had coffee already waiting for him. And she was standing over the oven making an omelette for herself. Tadashi greeted her with a hug from behind._

_“Oh good morning.” she sang with a tone of surprise. Tadashi always gave warm hugs, but this one sure was new. To her even further surprise Tadashi was burying his face into her neck. And he could feel her heart race against his lips as he pressed them against her soft skin._

_“Tadashi... what’re you doing?” her words stumbled out of her mouth and Tadashi spun her around crowding her against the kitchen counter._

_“You always tend to Hiro and I so well... I want to make it up to you.” and that’s about all that was said before he had his lips smashed against hers. His hand sliding up her shirt and she squirmed against him... But he was persistent. Between the kisses Tadashi would pull back to either tug at her bottom lip with his teeth; hoping to deepen the kiss, or he would growl naughty somethings against her ear at her that caused her face to turn beat red._

_After awhile she began to comply, wrapping her arms around his neck, and Tadashi confidently guided her over to the kitchen table where he eagerly tugged down her pants.     “Tadashi... what’re you doing?” she repeated breathless, and he ran his fingers through her hair not saying another word as he started unzipping his trousers._

_He wasted no grinding his bulge against her underwear wanting her to feel him... He wanted to make her squirm like before, except this time he wanted it to be in a way that would make her scream._

_“We can’t.” she whispered, “I know... I know you love your brother. You’re in love with Hiro.”_

   Tadashi woke with a start, his whole body was drenched, and his voice was raw like he had been yelling or screaming. His heart was racing fast, and he sat up in bed furiously throwing off his covers.

    “ _Shit..._ ” he hissed not knowing what else to do except dig his palm through his skull. He wasn’t even hard from the dream... if anything he woke up panicked. God he knew he never saw his Aunt that way... and it was the last line that he knew was important.

   ‘You’re in love with Hiro...’ that’s what his subconscious was telling him. And he was terrified. Truly terrified.

    He could hear two pairs of foot steps trailing up the stairs and the light flicking on.

    “Tadashi!” Hiro exclaimed running to him.

    “Is there a fire?” Tadashi asked weakly forcing a small smile, but Hiro didn’t find it very funny.

    “We heard you screaming. Is everything alright?” Aunt Cass asked, and Tadashi nodded.

    “Yeah... yeah. Bad dream...” he muttered rubbing his temples as he forced himself to be calm.

    “I’ll go get you some milk.” Aunt Cass offered.

    “No. No it’s okay. Let me just... just calm down. I’ll be alright here in a second.” he assured.

   Aunt Cass hesitantly agreed saying good night to her boys before heading back down the stairs.

   Hiro was still there. Still kneeling at the end of his bed, and Tadashi didn’t know what to do.

    “I’m fine.” he insisted even though Hiro hadn’t asked or said anything yet. He heard movement, and felt his bed shift but he didn’t dare look up. But then he felt Hiro’s warmth... his head rested on his leg, curled up next to him as he if he were Mochi or something.

   “I’m -fine-” Tadashi repeated, but still Hiro didn’t say anything. He also didn’t move either... just stayed curled up against his thigh. Finally Tadashi sighed, and laid back down... Hiro moving around so he was laying his head on his abdomen instead. The older brother linked his arm around Hiro, rubbing his arm idly, as he had the other tucked under his own head.

   “So you’re not gonna say anything are you?” Tadashi questioned looking down at Hiro to see him staring at the wall in front of him with his big doe-y eyes.

   “Are you afraid we’ll argue if you say something?” he pressed, and Hiro nodded a little.

   “Okay fair enough.” Tadashi sighed deciding to stare up at the popcorn ceiling since he knew sleep was not going to come to him again tonight. And he didn’t really want it to either.

    He found comfort in their stillness, Tadashi did, and he found comfort as his thumb traced small circles on Hiro’s tiny little bicep. And he found comfort that Hiro would let him... But it also made him think about things he didn’t want to be thinking about.

    “Do you think I’m a bad brother, Hiro?” Tidashi wondered not really knowing how long it had passed between now and the last time he spoke. He didn’t look down to see if Hiro was sleeping either. If he didn’t answer his own mind would just fill in the answers anyway.

   “...No.” Hiro replied softly. “You’re a very good brother.”

   “Yeah... you too Hiro.” And he didn’t know how he managed it, but he eventually was able to let his eyes rest again once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song at the beginning is from Fall Out Boy's "Miss Missing You"


	6. Science Fair

**Chapter 6// Science Fair**

    Hiro did a massive jump in academics from being a Kinder-Gardener to being put into a fifth grade classroom. The boy was hopeful that this year would be better for him. A new school, with older kids seemed more appealing than the kids who laughed at him for sucking his thumb. He was proud that he had broke the habit now though. And he was confident that with being around kids that were as intellectually sound as he was he might actually make a friend or two.

    However, that was not how his school year played out. Hiro found that he was still the smartest kid in class, and everyone seemed to be jealous of that. A lot of kids often rose their hand to say Hiro shouldn’t be allowed to answer any questions the teacher asked the class, and it was unfair that he was so much smarter than all of them. Even after all his attempts to be friendly, or help the kid next to him out with a worksheet... The response was always either scooting their desk away, or just turning away from him completely.

    When Spring rolled around, Tadashi could see how down Hiro was about school. He confided in his older brother about how he felt like he didn’t have a place there, and how he feared he would never fit in anywhere. Despite his older brother telling him things would change as he grew up, he could see that Hiro just had a hard time believing in his words.

    It was nearing the end of Spring Break, and Tadashi had grown even more concerned when Hiro had not even started his project for the Science Fair that was happening once school started back up again. He glanced over at Hiro sitting at their computer, playing Super Mario on the NES simulator they had installed. Tadashi made his way over to him setting his chin a top of his head.

    “Hey. Lets take a break. You’ve been at that for hours.” Tadashi suggested his eyes trained on the screen watching his little brother stomp on Goombas and go through a secret tunnel to collect extra coins.

    “Hold on I’m almost done with this level.” Hiro grumbled back, and Tadashi continued to watch for a while longer. Their room was dark, and the only light was blaring from the computer screen. Tadashi winced after about ten minutes, “I don’t know how you do this in the dark. My eyes are killing me.” he mentioned as he drooped his arm over Hiro pressing the start button which broke him from his trance.

    “Tadashi! I was so close!” He exclaimed as the controller was being taken from his hands.  
     
     “Come on. We’re gonna go out, and get some fresh air. You need to come up with an idea for your Science Fair project anyway.” he reminded and Hiro just groaned in response as he slithered out of the computer chair. Tadashi laughed as he watched his brother sink to the floor. 

    The air outside was crisp, and the sun was playing a game of hide and go seek behind the clouds. Tadashi worried that Hiro was cold even though he was wearing his hoodie... It was the cargo shorts that concerned him most. But regardless, he was convinced Hiro needed this.  
  
    “Tadashi. What are we doing out here?” he asked leaning into his brother as they walked grabbing at the sleeve of his cardigan. Tadashi glanced down at him with a warm smile, then coaxed his little brother into taking his hand instead of just grabbing his sleeve.

    “We’re going to figure this out.” Tadashi said simply, “what you’re going to do for the science fair.”

    “I’m not going to do anything,” Hiro responded bitterly. “I’m quitting school.”

    Tadashi shook his head, “Hiro... you can’t give up. We are Hamada’s... We don’t give up. We push through all the bad things life throws at us. Even when everything seems impossible... We keep going.” he explained squeezing his brother’s hand.

    “Tadashi...” Hiro moped helplessly. “No one likes me. No one cares about what I do. Even my teacher is annoyed with me.”

    “Hey, I care Hiro. And you have to keep on keeping on... It’s just what you do, do you understand? No matter what people say... Your thoughts matter, your ideas are so valuable. So valuable that all these kids are just envious of it.” But even as he told him that, Hiro still kept his head down.

    “What’s the point? What does it matter if I’m smart if no one cares about me? What does it matter... what purpose is there... if no one will listen to what I have to say...” Hiro’s voice trailed away and Tadashi stopped walking causing Hiro to trip over himself a little.

    “Hey now, you listen to me.” Tadashi began sharply. He was on his knees before Hiro. Even though the sidewalk was rough against his thin layer of jeans Tadashi ignored it.

    “People do care about your ideas. Me and Aunt Cass... and there are other people too. You just haven’t meant them yet, okay? Your purpose is that thing beating in your chest.” Tadashi sets his hand against his heart. “You are here, and you have a lot to teach the world... including me. I believe in you Hiro, so don’t be discouraged... just remember this okay?”

   Hiro nodded feeling his heart skip a beat when he felt Tadashi’s hand on his chest. “I understand but--”

   Tadashi shook his head, “Hiro, don’t let the world around you beat you down. No matter what... don’t let them break down your spirit. People... they can hurt us... they can tears us apart, but don’t let them take away your identity... and what you love to do. And I know you love science. You love building things from practically nothing. You think beyond the limits, and one day you’re going to be unstoppable.”

    Hiro lowered his head into Tadashi’s shoulder and wrapped his arms around him gripping on to the back of his shirt tightly. His brother was the only one who seemed to understand the pain. Besides his Aunt, Tadashi was the only one who ever encouraged him to be himself.

   “I want to build a robot.” he spoke his voice muffled as he buried his head into his older brother’s chest.

   Tadashi pushed him back gently so he could look in his eyes. “You want to build a robot?” he asked and Hiro nodded, his eyes were wide and hopeful... when before they had been narrowed and defeated. Tadashi was glad he was able to do this for his brother.

   “Okay. Then lets get to it.” Tadashi spoke reassuring him with a curt nod. As he regained his footing, Tadashi looked up at the hazy sky, a few sprinkles poked at his cheek seconds later.

   Without another moment to lose the older brother threw the younger over his shoulder running back to the house before the rain had a chance to pick up. When they reached the garage Hiro brushed himself off indignantly, but as soon as the moment passes he suddenly felt motivated to work on that Science Fair project after all.

   Tadashi took pride in watching Hiro lose himself in his work. He spent hours upon hours designing his new masterpiece. And as Tadashi hovered watching Hiro sketch out his design he really did believe what he was making was the art of true intelligence.

   “Wow this is gonna be great.” Tadashi told him, and his brother just nodded slightly tinkering on with his robot. He didn’t really notice his brother had gone out a few times in between. When he was there Tadashi just laid out on the red couch just to keep him company, and would check his progress every now and then. Hiro didn’t register about half the things he said when he was off in his own world. But at one point there was a voice that called to him his empty stomach forced him to pay attention to, “Eat.”  
  
   “Will do. Aunt Cass. I’ve really worked up an appetite.” he swiveled around taking a well-deserved break as he munched on the mac and cheese his Aunt had made for him.  
  
   “Tadashi’s gone?” he mentioned with a mouthful looking around to see he wasn’t on the couch where he expected him to be.  
  
    “He’s helping close up the cafe, but he’ll be back to check on ya. I just wanted to make sure you had dinner. And you still have a few days, so you should get some rest too.” Aunt Cass instructed.

   “Okay. I just want to work for a little bit longer.” he scarfed down the last couple of bites swallowing it all down quick, so he could finish up his robot.

   As the next day rolled around Tadashi found Hiro asleep at his desk with his robot which looked completely done. Tadashi raised his eyebrows a little surprised actually... that was a lot of work to do in such amount of time.

   “Hey buddy, how’s it going?” Tadashi called out ruffling Hiro’s messy hair around not sure whether or not that had made it look better... more or less the same he ended up deciding.  
  
   “Better if you let me sleep a little longer.” Hiro grumbled in response, but Tadashi was curiously tugging at the remote controller that had wires poking out at every angle from his little brother’s hand.

   “This is what controls it then?” he asked examining it curiously.

   “Yeah,” Hiro muttered rubbing his eyes. “I meant to finish wiring it but I think I dozed off...”

   “You think?” Tadashi laughed, “You know it’s morning right?”

   “Is it?” Hiro sighed then snatched the contraption back into his own hands so he could continue on.

   “Alright hurry up and finish, you’re giving Aunt Cass worry lines with how little you are eating and sleeping.” he told him and he heard Hiro mumble a “yeah, yeah,” before collapsing on the couch to take a little cat nap with Mochi.

   It was his turn to be startled awake when he felt a metallic punch to his jaw.

   “Woohoo!” Hiro exclaimed, “It works!”  
  
   “That’s great Hiro, I’d appreciate it though if you didn’t kill me with... what are you calling it?”  
  
  “Tadashi meet my megabot.” he introduced and when Tadashi opened his eyes he flinched as he saw a yellow face smiling down at him.

  “A megabot huh?” Tadashi asked propping himself up on his elbows. “What is its purpose?”  
     
   “Megabot is a defender of all other robots. He has top of the line combat skills, and can destroy any threats that are thrown his way.” Hiro announced proudly. But most of all he believed whole-heartedly that his new megabot could protect Hiro too... against people who ever decide to mess with him.

   Tadashi watched as Hiro demonstrated its movements, and capabilities with pure amazement. Even he couldn’t have thought of something like this, at sixteen, and build it from scratch in just three days like Hiro had... who had just turned seven the month previously. His younger brother had a real gift, one he knew would do some incredible things one day.

   After a few minor tweaks Hiro was ready to go on the day of the Science Fair. His station was in a far corner of the gymnasium close to the double doors leading it’s way out back into the main entrance of the school. A few minutes before they were about to start, Hiro made his way to the bathroom feeling nauseated all of a sudden. He locked himself in a stall taking a few deep breaths. As he did so, the back of his eyelids played back the conversation he had earlier at breakfast.

   ‘Remember Hiro, don’t ever let anyone break your spirit. You’re mega-bot is one of the most amazing robots I’ve ever seen. Don’t let anyone else take that from you.’

   Hiro felt better as he remembered those words. No matter how many kids came by and picked on him today Hiro would just ignore it. Even if the teachers seemed irritated with his genius, Hiro would keep his head held high. When he felt ready Hiro swings the bathroom stall door open, making his way back to his little station.

   But before he could even make it out of the bathroom a group of his class mates burst in, and Hiro soon noticed the devious expressions on all of their faces. Hiro took a step back as they circled around him.

   “Look Hamada’s in here to witness it after all.” one of the boy’s taunted and Hiro tried his best to look unfazed. Until another revealed what he was hiding behind his back... They had his mega bot, and the controller right along with it.

   Hiro’s expression hardened but he still stood tall. “Whatever, you guys are too stupid to figure out how to use it anyway.” Hiro shot back; acting as if them holding it didn’t actually feel like sandpaper being scraped all over his body. But it did. It really did... and Hiro only wished Tadashi was there right now to help back him up. Fifth graders weren’t going to be afraid of a seven year old no matter how intelligent he was. But a sixteen year old, that would actually intimidate them a little. Maybe even a lot.

   The one holding his mega bot scoffed, “Sure we might not know to use it but that doesn’t mean we don’t know how to break it.” he announced nodding towards the toilet. Hiro let out a shout in protest as they shoved him into the cramped stall. His hair was pulled, and forced to look at the toilet as he watched them throw his megabot in there... they attempted flushing it.

   “Aw man it’s too big to actually go down!” Hiro heard one of them mutter out behind him.

   Hiro shook his head, “You idiots, my bot is indestructible. A little water isn’t going to do anything to it.”  
  
   That comment seemed to cause a stir from them, “Alright well how about this thing?” And as they tossed the controller amongst himself Hiro fought to grab for it but he was held back by two of the other kids. Then without a warning the controller was pelted at the wall, and Hiro cringed as it broke against the tile wall.  
  
   “And what about you huh? Lets see how long you can hold your breath while we give you a swirlie.” Hiro let out a loud scream, but he was shoved down to his knees despite his resisting. He felt the skin on his knees break open against the solid ground causing him to wince slightly. As his head is being shoved forward Hiro heard the bathroom door burst open.  
  
   “Let him go now!” a voice commanded, and instantly he was released from the icy water.  
  
  Hiro gasped for air, and he saw a couple teachers along with Tadashi were responsible for his rescue. The bullies were dragged out, and Hiro was left alone in the bathroom with his brother who helped him back to his feet.  
  
   Not knowing what else to do, Hiro began to hit his brother. His arms flailing madly at his chest. Though the blows had hardly any impact Tadashi grabbed him by the wrists in attempt to calm him down, but that made Hiro thrash even harder against him.  
  
   “You said-- You said--” Hiro hiccuped as angry tears flooded down his cheeks.  
  
   “Hiro I’m sorry.” Tadashi spoke softly. “I’m sorry Hiro. I didn’t know how bad this was...”

   Hiro finally gave up on trying to pull away, but his body still shook and his arms were still raised as if he was considering trying to strike Tadashi again.  
  
   “All those kids are going to be suspended... They’re not going to get away with what they did.” Tadashi tried to assure him, but even he knew it futile. All he could was watch helplessly as his brother cried. Tadashi pulled him into a hug once Hiro finally allowed him to.  
  
   “It’s just not fair!” Hiro’s voice cracked as he raised his voice.

   Tadashi rubbed his back wishing he knew a better way to handle this situation. All he knew was that he wanted to hold on to his little brother, and never let him go. Slowly, Hiro’s tantrum died down, and he grabbed on to Tadashi’s sleeves as the older brother continued to comfort him. Even though it was Hiro suffering, Tadashi couldn’t help but feel his own anger bubble in the pit of his stomach. Everything -literally- everything he had told his brother felt like it was all for nothing. The encouragement to build a robot for this stupid science fair. Such an amazing thing for a school so unworthy. Everything he told Hiro to not feel... Tadashi was feeling ten fold. Seeing his brother in this state broke his spirit in a way nothing else would ever do to him.

   “I’m so sorry Hiro...” Tadashi whimpered feeling tears streaming down his face as well. He had never felt so helpless... How could he ever prove to his brother he was worth something... He didn’t even know anymore... How was he not able to protect Hiro from this? How could he convince him to keep trying after something like this? He really didn’t have the answers... and that killed him inside.  
  
   “Tadashi... don’t let them get to you too.” Hiro mumbled lifting his arms to hold his face in his hands. This feeling he had when their parents died... when he saw his older brother all distraught... The knots he had in his stomach were so much more unbearable then, compared to when he had been watching those bullies ruin his mega bot. His thumbs carefully wiped away the tears that had formed in the corner of his older brother’s eyes.  
  
   “If your spirit breaks then mine will too.” Hiro’s chest swelled as he spoke. If Tadashi got lost, Hiro would be lost right along with him... When Tadashi knew which way to go, Hiro followed right along with him confident he would lead him to exactly where they needed to be.

    “Hiro...” Tadashi’s voice trailed away, and he couldn’t help it when a small smile formed on his face. “As long as I have you in my life, my spirit will never be broken.”


	7. Uncertainty

**Chapter 7//** Uncertainty   
  
    Now that Tadashi’s winter vacation was over from school, he was back to spending most of his time at SFIT again. And even though he came home on most nights, Hiro started to feel alone without his brother around as often. The fighting had simmered down compared to a few weeks ago. Well, since Hiro had given away the only bot he had worth fighting with, and that he promised Tadashi ( and Aunt Cass) he would stay out of trouble... Hiro felt like he was back at square one. Life was feeling pointless all over again.   
  
    Hiro had made other promises too. A promise to do something with his time... something worth while. Something more positive than before. So, instead of dwelling on any of the uncertainty going on in his life, Hiro decided to go down to the soup kitchen again to volunteer. Sure it wasn’t very lucrative as far getting paid went, but he actually met some really cool people while he was there. A bitter-sweet feeling crashed over him when he saw Max here again, with his mother. He made his mega-bot soar in the air like a super hero, as they headed over his way.  
  
    “Hey look mom it’s Hiro!” he called out waving to him. Hiro waved back, and smiled over at his mom who mouthed the words, ‘Thank you’ after he ladled out their soup. And he got this sort of feeling that it wasn’t the food she was thanking him for.

    Hiro did this every night for the next month, going to the soup kitchen to volunteer. He was surprised that he even made a couple friends while he was there. Though the volunteer work was quite remedial he still found the company to be enlightening. Aunt Cass had even started baking extra treats for Hiro to bring along since she had noticed he had really taken a liking to going there.

    It would be a lie though, if Hiro said this completely solved his depression. Sure, it did help some. But there were just some things that were still really eating at him. Like, why did Tadashi kiss him on Christmas Eve? And more importantly why were the both of them acting like it never even happened... Volunteering wasn’t enough of a distraction to fully keep his older brother off his mind. What it really did for now was keeping him out of trouble. For once, Hiro felt like his life was beginning to make a little more sense.

    One night after nearly two hours of cleaning up the kitchen, Hiro was definitely ready to go home and get some rest. He said good night to the others staying behind to lock up, and headed down the block to catch the train like he always did to go home. As he sat there, he looked around the city... all the lights were bright and full of so much energy. It was hard to imagine that there was so much poverty around him in a city full of blinky-lights. There were moments Hiro thought about running away truthfully. He honestly felt he could make it out here. He wasn’t completely defenseless after all. Tadashi did teach him karate, and if he had a bot to protect him he would be able to stand up to thugs. He could make his way from bot fighting, and just become a drifter... Sometimes that idea didn’t sound so bad.   
  
    Except for what would that do to Tadashi and Aunt Cass? There would be no way he could ever convince them he’d be alright. Even if he was smart... they’d never be okay with a fourteen (almost fifteen) year old live out on the streets. It was just unheard of, and for them to worry about him, just didn’t seem right. No matter how prepared Hiro thought he was for the world, the one thing he regretted most is when he caused his family to worry over him.

    As the lights blinked, the sound of cars bolting down the streets, and horns blaring, street lamps flickering... things that he usually tuned out with his ipod.. were making noises in his brain. Like that unexplainable ringing in the ears... The world just buzzed around him intrusively, and there was no way to shut it out. When the train came to a screeching halt Hiro continued to sit on the bench, and the doors closed... and then it was gone. Hiro blinked when he realized that he had just sat there. And then when there was no feeling of panic in his chest that followed. He just felt calm deciding he would just wait for the next one.   
  
    But then he was standing, and he wasn’t really sure where his feet were taking him until he was standing over the river just a little outside the city. He was on the San Fransokyo bridge. He climbed up on the railing just enough to peer over the side of it, the one that separated him from the river below, his sneakers sinking into the metal bars as he leaned his arms over the side of it. As he looked down at the water the light of the sunset and the blinking city shimmered off the gentle waves.

    A sudden realization hit him then. Well, it wasn’t that he hadn’t ever felt this way before... But the realization was this: Hiro was so god damn small. Just a small component to this world. Hell, he wasn’t even tall enough to lean over the railing he was resting on right now. Even his brother would have been tall enough. Then. There it was. Hiro was thinking of him again. And he really felt stupid for it, too.

    “What’re you doing you knuckle head?” Tadashi asked, and that’s when Hiro registered the dying engine of his older brother’s moped.   
  
    “Eh... just thinking.” Hiro mumbled as his brother soon joined his side, leaning similarly to Hiro against the bridge, but at least his feet touched the ground.

    “Oh well, that can’t be good news.” Tadashi joked nudging Hiro in the side, and the younger one just ‘tsh’d’ dismissively.   
  
    “Alright, alright,” Tadashi responded when he noticed he had ruffled some feathers, “Go on, what’s on your mind?”   
  
    “It’s nothing...” Hiro sighed not knowing if now was a good time for this conversation.  
  
    “It can’t be nothing... if it’s got you all bummed out like this.” his brother insisted, and again, guilt sort of was evident in his tone. But Hiro couldn’t do anything about that. Except hope that one day Tadashi would be able to stop blaming himself for everything; but he somehow doubted it. Just the way he doubted that... he would ever be able to fully become desensitized to his own emotions for his older brother.   
  
    “We haven’t argued in a while.” Hiro mentioned taking a deep breath in. “And I think it’s got to do with me... you know... being such a pest... so don’t do this okay? Don’t let me become a pest in your life again...”

    He could just hear the words Tadashi was about to say before he said anything. But then he was just saying nothing, and Hiro hadn’t expect that to be the case. He thought he would at least try to deny it.   
  
    Hiro scoffed, and shook his head. Of course Tadashi would choose right now to not have a single thing to add to that.

    “I don’t want to argue you with you either, Hiro. I’m sorry if that’s how you view our relationship...” his voice trailed away, and now it was Hiro’s turn to feel guilty.

    “Tadashi...” he jumped off the railing, back on to the pavement, it was less than a foot drop. The older brother twisted his neck around to see Hiro walking behind him out of the corner of his eye. And then he felt the pressure of his forehead leaning against the middle of his back. 

    And Tadashi heard something in his younger brother’s voice... pain. He heard pain, and he wished he hadn’t heard it. Whenever Hiro was wounded was when Tadashi was weakest to his temptations for his brother. He turned so he could be facing him, and he wrapped his arms around Hiro.  
  
    “It’s not nothing.” Tadashi repeated, “I won’t get mad, I promise...”

    “Just now...” Hiro began taking a deep breath in, “When you said you were sorry... if that’s how I viewed our relationship? That’s just it Tadashi. I don’t know how I view our relationship... It’s always been so... confusing for me...” He bit the bottom of his lip when he felt Tadashi’s arms move from having been wrapped completely around him, to just holding on to his sides. The subtle change made his heart throb in ways he wished it wouldn’t.

    “It’s confusing for me too, honestly, Hiro.” Tadashi replied simply and hearing that confirmation that their relationship was... complicated... made Hiro want to shrink even further in size. Maybe why they always challenged each other and argued so much lately was because it was the barrier that kept them sane. But now there walls were coming apart, and Hiro was honestly a little scared.   
  
    “What’re we going to do?” Hiro asked and the question the dependence for Tadashi to know what to do evident in his voice, and he hated it. He wished he could just tell Tadashi what he wanted. He wished he could be the one to have the say, but if it wasn’t about robotics... Hiro didn’t like coming up with the solution. He liked the easy way out of things, and right now... the easy way was to let Tadashi decide what happened next.   
  
    What he hadn’t expected was the indecisive sigh that came out from his older brother. “I don’t know... stay confused?” But when Hiro buried his head into cardigan in response, he knew that couldn’t be the answer he gave him. This was tearing his little brother apart, and he was finally accepting that they couldn’t let it be that way anymore.   
  
   “All I know for sure Hiro... is that you are my brother first, okay? I’ll do anything to protect you, and be at your side...” Tadashi told him wishing that could be enough to ease his brother’s mind but it only seemed to ease his own. He ran his fingers through his mop head of hair, and coaxed the little guy to look up at him.   
  
    As he felt his chin being tilted upward Hiro blinked as his eyes met Tadashi’s. The soft expression on his face made him feel safe, and he never wanted to be parted from such a comfort. He slowly nodded to show him he wanted that. After his outburst before about how suffocated he felt, he knew Tadashi was insecure about how Hiro felt about having him be at his side, but maybe this would help him understand why. Maybe opening up to each other didn’t have to be all bad...

    “Do you remember when we went on a hiking trip with Aunt Cass a few summers ago? The one night we went off to the lake and went to go swimming while she was asleep... And on the way back we got lost... It was cold, and we hadn’t brought any towels... and I started getting scared that we’d never find our way back? I’m beginning to realize there’s something even more frightening than that. I would rather be lost with you, than to be lost all on my own. I don’t care if we can’t find our way back... as long as we stick together, okay?”   
  
    As Hiro spoke Tadashi listened. Really listened to his words. He always had gotten on his case about shutting the world out around him. But Tadashi could be the same way at times. He knew that there was a point to what Hiro was saying, and in that moment... it was comforting to know that they were in this together.

    “Alright Hiro. Lets stick together.” he agreed and then the two brothers went home together on Tadashi’s moped.

                                                                                                                     ---  
  
    Hiro was truly a wreck. With everything being so hot and cold with Tadashi he didn’t know what to believe. One minute they were on good graces, and after the two of them had opened up like that... he didn’t expect things to take such an ill turn so quickly.

    It started out okay... Hiro just wanted to spend the night with his brother in the older one’s bed. Even though he wanted to do more than just lay there with him. He would have been absolutely fine with just laying there, but by the way Tadashi had snapped he knew maybe he really had gone too far.   
  
    Once they reached up the stairs the two of them began horsing around. Hiro wrapping his arms around Tadashi’s midsection as Tadashi put him in a head lock and mussed up his hair even more than usual. Then eventually, it ended where Tadashi was pinning him on the bed. And Hiro really did think that it was going to go somewhere... But when his brother was tickling him Hiro was completely thrown off guard. The intense ball of nerves he had felt as he looked up at Tadashi... his eyes full, wide, and waiting... for Tadashi to make the move... He really hadn’t expect him to go this way with it.   
  
    “Noo!” he shouted between fits of laughter. “Tadashi~!” he cried out as actual tears formed at the corner of his eyes. He was so god damn ticklish... it really wasn’t fair.   
  
    “Okay, okay... I’m done. I’m done.” Tadashi assured calming down from his own laughter. They needed this to happen. Tadashi was convinced. And now that the feelings were out of the way, he could have his brother back. Except he was only allowed to hold on to that thought for a few seconds, because Hiro had propped himself up on his elbows, and his lips were flush against his.   
  
    Okay, so he had his brother back... and just a few stolen kisses that the younger one initiated. Kisses Tadashi really did long for, but knew that he shouldn’t. But after what they had just gone through to finally be on the same page, Tadashi reciprocated. Happily reciprocated. He smiled between their kisses, and nosed into Hiro’s cheek when they needed to catch their breath.

    “God, I love you so much. Hiro.” he told him, and he meant it. He really did, what he hadn’t expected was to feel Hiro’s hands slide down from his chest... palming his abdomen, and further down until his finger tips were sliding down the waistband of his pants.   
  
    “I love you too, Tadashi.” he whispered, and Hiro had no idea... how badly Tadashi wanted to let him. But he couldn’t. He firmly grabbed his younger brother’s wrist pulling it away.   
  
    “This stops here.” he said strictly, sitting up and turning away from Hiro hunched over running his fingers through his hair.   
  
    “Wait... What? Why? I’m sorry!” Hiro yelped reaching after him, setting his hand on Tadashi’s shoulder which caused him to flinch.   
  
    Hiro lowered his hand, looking down. “I’m sorry...” he mumbled again.   
  
    Tadashi twisted back to see how torn up Hiro was which made him feel incredibly guilty.   
  
    “No... please, please, don’t be sorry... Hiro I wasn’t being clear. I wasn’t thinking...” Tadashi stumbled over his words and tears leaked down Hiro’s face.

    “We’re still in this together, okay, please don’t be upset.” he assured, but Hiro was shaking his head. He didn’t believe his brother. He should have known he didn’t want this... that he was just trying to make Hiro happy.

    Tadashi bit his lip nervously torn between consoling him and caving into his own desires. “Hiro. I need to sleep on the couch tonight... cool off... but it’s not because you did anything wrong. It’s because... I don’t want us to do anything we’re going to regret, okay? I love you.”

    Hiro turned his head away as Tadashi kissed his temple, grabbed his pillow and made his way downstairs without Hiro ever saying it back. Hiro wished he had said the words back to him. Especially when he heard a pause of his brother’s foot steps before he went down. At first Hiro wondered if he was debating coming back to him, but then before he could find the words he wanted to say... Tadashi’s feet were moving again down the creaky steps to the living room.

    Hiro didn’t leave Tadashi’s bed once he was gone. He curled up under the covers and laid there eyes wide as he replayed the whole day over and over in his mind. Everything was still so clear, down to the little quirks on his older brother’s face. Each time it replayed in Hiro’s mind the more obvious it became that he should have never pushed things as far as he did. It was a toss and turn kind of night, Hiro was all twisted up in the covers, and at one point his mind even taunted him with the idea of being entangled with Tadashi under these blankets, and he didn’t know what to do. Part of him wanted to hate his brother for always having to be the voice of reason. Part of him was silently thankful for it too. And what he hated most was that he continued to question how his older brother felt because of it.

    When Hiro woke up the next day he checked his phone to see it was already passed noon. He didn’t remember falling asleep, but the little crusties in his eyes told him that it must have happened at some point. Hiro made a movement to kick off the covers, but he realized that they were already dangling at his feet. ‘Must have been from all the tossing and turning...’ he thought, as he forced himself out of bed to take a leak.

    As he finished washing his hands, he goes to splash some water on his face in attempt to wake up some. He threw off his shirt since he was about to hop in the shower, when he noticed a bruise on his collar bone as he glanced at himself through the mirror, Hiro furrowed his brow trying to think of when that possibly could have happened... Tadashi never kissed him anywhere other than his lips, so how could their possibly be a hickey on his collarbone? Especially in a spot that his shirt was covering the whole time... He closed his eyes tight as he tried to remember last night after Tadashi went downstairs. Hiro tossed and turned for what felt like hours... but he did fall asleep eventually... Did his brother really come up at some point and do that to him? Hiro’s heart pounded as he lightly traced his fingers over the love bite... It couldn’t be anything else, Hiro was sure of it.

    Words had flooded into his mind that had been long suppressed came back into his memory as he continued to stare at the mark. It was Tadashi’s voice he was remembering. And it made him shiver as he tried to make sense of something that would felt he would never fully understand... Finally he tore away from the mirror, so he could finish readying himself for the day.

    Downstairs Hiro found Aunt Cass decorating her freshly baked donuts, and offered his assistance which she happily accepted.   
  
    “Tadashi off at school then?” Hiro wondered and she nodded.

   “Yeah it was funny. I found him on the couch sleeping this morning, and he just said that he didn’t want to disturb you while he was studying...” she mumbled.

    “Well you know Tadashi... always looking out for me even if it means he has to put himself second... I’ve told him over and over not to do that...” Hiro’s voice trailed away, as he subconsciously drew his hand over the spot his shirt was covering.

    “Tadashi is definitely like that, but the even more peculiar thing was that he didn’t have any of his text books down here with him, or even a study sheet... I didn’t ask him about it since he had to quickly run upstairs to get ready to leave...”

    “Heh. Maybe he just needed some alone time. I’m sure it’s not easy for him to be shoved into a corner while I hog up the rest of the room.” Hiro mumbled, and luckily Aunt Cass didn’t continue the interrogation.   
  
    “You boys just worry me so much. Whatever is going on between you two, I hope you can resolve it soon. I hate to see you both suffering because you are arguing again.” she brought up as the two of them continued decorating her baked treats.

    “We’re not fighting...” Hiro assured, and he knew it didn’t sound very convincing but he knew he couldn’t elaborate. He just had to hope his Aunt would accept the words the two of them filled in her head, and that she wouldn’t try to fill in any of the blanks in herself.   
  
    There was silence between them for a few minutes before Aunt Cass handed him a box full of pastries. “Are you going to the soup kitchen today?”   
  
   Hiro nodded as he accepted the box, and soon he was on his way to go catch the train. He had his ipod turned up to try and tune out his thoughts. But not even music could tune out the words that had been on repeat in his mind all day. No matter how much he wished he could shut it off they were there, and he still didn’t know what to make of them.

_“My bruises... will protect you from these bruises. They’ll protect to you from the hurt you feel inside. I’m always with you Hiro.”_

    The fact was those words weren’t from last night. It was why Hiro had felt so uneasy ever since he saw the mark his brother had left for him in his sleep. He didn’t know how to feel about those words. What was Tadashi trying to tell him then and what was he trying to say now? That as long as he was in pain he’d be there for him? The thought sort of made him nauseous. He pressed his forehead against the window of the train, watching the city zip by from above as his mind began to question everything there was no way to block it out. 

_‘Is this how you want me Tadashi? To always be that sad abandoned puppy you nurse back to health? Is it true after all... Is that all I really do for you?’_


	8. Microbots

**Chapter 8//** MicroBots

    “There you are. Hiro...” Tadashi’s voice filled the room, and snapped Hiro from his trance. He had been holed up in the garage for the past few hours, trying to get his creative juices flowing again. Volunteering at the soup kitchen was great, but he still needed something to challenge him... He didn’t want to admit that to Tadashi though, because school would just be shoved down his throat again. Also, how could explain to his older brother what it felt like when he helped that girl? To not know how she was doing now... To not have any means to continue to help people struggling on the streets. Volunteering, yes was very helpful, but he still felt like he could do more. Much more. He didn’t need school for that, he just needed an idea...

    The older brother looked around to see crumpled out papers everywhere. And Hiro muttering indistinguishable words under his breath in response, Tadashi was able to put two and two together. His brother was trying to build another bot. He wanted to instantly interrogate the situation to try to figure out what his new project was supposed to be for... But by how stressed his brother looked he knew it couldn’t have been for bot fighting. That realization eased Tadashi’s mind, and he kicked one of the crumpled up sheets out of his way, and walked over to his brother.

    Hiro ignored the older one’s shadow hovering over him. He just began furiously erasing a sketch he had been working on seething under Tadashi that nothing was coming to him. Absolutely nothing.  
  
   “Washed up at fourteen? So sad.” he teased, and Hiro just muttered again. Honestly, he really wasn’t in the mood for his older brother’s company after he ditched him the other night for the couch.

   “You’re tense...” Tadashi mentioned his voice lowering, and he began working his hands into his little brother’s shoulders.

   Hiro’s shoulders shrug up in response, but he didn’t tell him to stop... He wanted the attention; he didn’t want the attention. It was confusing.

   Tadashi instantly stopped massaging, and his hands slide to the back of his chair instead. He didn’t think Hiro would react that way. He thought he would understand... Tadashi closed his eyes and took a silent breath. ‘Stay calm, Tadashi.’ he reminded himself.

   “Have you eaten today?” he asked and he already had the urge to touch him again, to grab Hiro’s attention. To tell him how sorry he was if he hurt his feelings... He just wanted to make this okay somehow, but he didn’t see that happening.  
  
   “You know, sometimes you just need to take a step back...” Tadashi continued when his brother continued to sketch only to immediately scribble it out.  
  
   “Maybe it’s you who needs to step back.” Hiro snapped which struck him like a thousand knives in to his throat.  
  
   “Hiro, I’m sorry.” his voice was suddenly hoarse, and he did as the younger one said taking a few steps back. He rubbed the back of his neck.  
  
   “I just wanted to help...” his voice was weak.

   Then finally Hiro turned around in his chair. Tadashi soaked in his brother’s intense stare... He saw the fire in his eyes. Something was wrong, and he just wanted to know what it was so he could fix it. Seeing his brother like this killed him.  
  
   Hiro tugged at the collar of his shirt flashing off a bruise just under his neck. Tadashi’s face heated up as a reaction. Part of him had been hoping Hiro wouldn’t notice that he had left it.  
He had come back upstairs the next morning to grab his back pack, and shower... And Hiro’s shirt had tugged down in a weird way in his sleep leaving that bit of skin exposed. He knew it was bad to take advantage of him like that in his sleep, but he had to explain himself... He had to tell Hiro that he didn’t do anything else.  
  
   “Hiro--” Tadashi spoke up his chest tightening struggling to find the words to explain. “I swear... I didn’t touch you... I didn’t... I just... I’m sorry.” he covered his face in his hands in shame.  
  
   “Tadashi?” Hiro mumbled his anger dissolving when Tadashi had reacted in such a way. “Why did you do it?” he asked his voice wavering a little. “Your marks will protect me from the ones the world scar me with right? Is... is that all I am to you a defenseless animal? A wounded deer about to be shot? Am I just somebody you want to save? You always say you’ll protect me like it’s your job. Like it’s all you see me as... is weak...”

   Tadashi shook his head furiously. No. No. This was all wrong. How was he supposed to convince Hiro how wrong he was? _‘Stay calm, Tadashi. Okay, now take a deep breath.’_ He inhaled deep, held it for a second, than exhaled.

   “Hiro... That’s not it. I swear to you. I swear.” he said, and took a step forward even though he had been told earlier to take a step back. Even though he knew Hiro felt suffocated. He had to make this make sense.

   “I-I protect you because you’re so valuable to me. I love you more than you can possibly imagine... everything about you... you’re strong will power... your brain... you are so funny... and you are my best friend, Hiro. You’re...” his voice trailed away, and he was on his knees in front of Hiro. “You’re not weak, you’re not. I’m the one who is weak...”

   Hiro grabbed on to the edges of his computer chair as Tadashi knelt in front of him with his head bowed. He had never seen the older one so... submissive. So small. Hiro had always been the one feeling small, and under valued... But Tadashi was making him see things from a different angle. Inspiration struck him. Hiro gasped causing Tadashi to snap his head up.  
  
   “Tadashi. I am sorry I-I get it now. I understand. I just... I am sorry I have an idea and I really need to get it down on paper.” he shuffled a bunch of papers in his hand, and joined his older brother on the floor.

   He laid flat on his stomach and quickly started sketching out a small oval figure, with harsh edges, drawing a duplicate right beside it. He turned his head, back to his older brother who sat there with a dazed look on his face. Hiro nodded for him to join him and see what he was up to. Tadashi complied easily, laying over him so he could take a peek.  
  
   “Alright, so what am I looking at here?” he wondered after staring at it for a minute.

   “It’s us.” Hiro said, “well in a different form. It’s actually a micro bot. The two of us... we’re such a small part in this world. We’ve both got a lot to give, and I was sort of thinking... the world... could benefit if there was more of you and me’s out there. Like a million more. I just thought of it. It’s like us if we were a mega bot right? Except smaller... Much smaller. And multiply them... and we could achieve anything. ” Hiro’s voice was trembling with excitement, and his brother smiled as he continued to sketch, and expand on his idea.

   “A neuro transmitter?” Tadashi read as Hiro finished up another sketch, and Hiro nodded.  
  
   “That’s how it will still be us, and do things we want to do in the world, and make the impossible actually quite and very possible.” Hiro explained a blissful sort of sigh escaping his lips.

   “Wow Hiro... that’s really extraordinary.” he assured him feeling proud of his little brother for coming up with something like that what seemed to be out of no where.  
  
   “I’m sorry about doubting you, Tadashi...” Hiro said wriggling about so he could turn and face his brother. Tadashi got the picture, and pushed himself up so his brother could move. At first he thought he wanted to be free, but when Hiro was just gazing up at him with his face burning up, Tadashi had to close his eyes. The sight was almost too much for him.  
  
   “No I should have told you better.” Tadashi argued, pressing his forehead against his brother’s.  
  
   Hiro felt his heart pound, and he really did hate himself for not believing in his older brother. It wasn’t just himself who was suffering, and he should have noticed that. Now that the feelings were out there, Hiro could see the struggle Tadashi had been holding inside. The want for his little brother, but not being able to do anything... Hiro could see it, and god just thinking of it made him...

   “Tadashi. You don’t have to hold back.” Hiro told him, “I want to...” his voice trailed off, because actually... all he ever knew for sure before now was how much he cared for Tadashi. He never expected to actually cross this territory with him. The truth was Hiro was riddled with nerves, and second thoughts just like Tadashi was. It just got canceled out by wanting help him... he really hated seeing Tadashi so messed up like this. If he told him it was okay, maybe that would help himself be more confident in this.

   “Yes. Hiro. I have to hold back.” he hissed, but he didn’t move. “You’re fourteen, and I’m twenty.”

   “I’m going to be fifteen in March... that’s like just a little more than a month away.” Hiro piped up, but he knew that wasn’t helping.  
  
   “Christ if the age difference wasn’t enough... you’re my brother!” he added his voice wasn’t louder than a whisper, because of Aunt Cass... She could check up on them any second.  
  
   “These are things I already know Tadashi. I know this is... pretty bad... But there are positives too it isn’t there?” he questioned weakly, and when the older brother didn’t respond... Hiro did the talking for him.

   “I know our love is real. I know that I am safe with you. I know that... I can trust you. I know besides the complexities... there is stability...” Hiro felt silly for listing all of those things, but he felt as though Tadashi needed to hear it. “Despite me telling you not to do it, you are always putting me first... Let me put you first for once Tadashi.”

   Tadashi’s eyes scanned the younger one’s desperately wanting to tell him yes. He wanted to tell him this could be okay... they could make it work. But how could he lie to him like that? How could this ever be okay?  
  
   “We’re going to take this slow.” Tadashi told him his voice sort of strict, but Hiro allowed it without being offended. Tadashi was quite literally putting his ass on the line, so he was going to be patient.  
  
   “Like really slow. There’s not going to be any...” his voice trailed away and he nudged his face into Hiro’s neck. The younger one couldn’t help the laugh that escaped his lips. Tadashi becoming all flustered; it was definitely a turn on.

   “No sex.” he finally said, and Hiro nodded.

   “Okay. What else?” Hiro questioned still smiling.

   “If I leave for any reason I need you to not be upset... I have... urges too Hiro. And it’s my responsibility to make sure we don’t cross that line. I don’t care how smart you are, how mature you are for you’re age... I don’t give a damn how ready you think you are... I’m not going to do anything like that with you... until you’re of age.” Tadashi spoke, the bridge of his nose tucked under Hiro’s ear.

   And Hiro winced as his breath touched his skin. “I have to wait three whole years...?” Hiro whined, but of course he wasn’t really all that disappointed. Really, this was enough for him.

   “I’m gonna be super forward about this, because I want us to both be on the same page... Alright? So please don’t get upset, but it really has to be said. This relationship we have... It’s not healthy. We’re not supposed to feel this way. Some days are going to be really tough. It might even alternate. One day I might be feeling really good about it, and you might not be so much, and vise versa. I know how stubborn we both are... how we want to say things the other wants to hear. But we can’t do that anymore, okay? We have to not only be honest with each other, but we have to be honest with ourselves. And the first thing I’m going to be honest about, is this... this might not work like we want it to.” Tadashi told him and he hated being the downer out of the two of them, but maybe if they both had a clear understanding of this... it might actually work. It was like one in a billion, but Tadashi wanted to try anyway. He really did.  
  
   Hiro felt little pains of doubt in his stomach when Tadashi dropped such a heavy bomb before they could even try to enjoy this, but he supposed that was one of the reasons he loved him was for his brutal honesty.

   “Okay, so, now that I have read the full disclaimer, I check the box that says I agree to all terms and conditions. Now kiss me.” Hiro demanded, and Tadashi laughed against his cheek.

   “Okay.” he replied, and his lips brush against his little brother’s with ease. His hands slide up Hiro’s arms pushing them above his head wanting to be able to interlock their fingers as he deepened their kiss.

   Hiro squeezed his hand, and parted his lips willingly for Tadashi allowing him to explore. His mind sort of drifted back and forth like the waves of an ocean crashing into the shore. He thought about how he wanted his microbots to work like this. Their polarity drawing them together, and working together in sync. Hiro thought of the way Tadashi slid his tongue against his, and how it felt to have his body on top of him like this. Even though the two of them were fully clothed the heat their bodies shared intensified as they had this moment together.

   Tadashi pulled away starting to kiss down his neck, and Hiro shivered when the older one dragged his teeth over his throat.  
  
   “Don’t leave any marks where Aunt Cass will see...” Hiro reminded quietly, and Tadashi nodded leaving only gentle kisses on his neck.

   “Tadashi...” Hiro moaned feeling a tightness in underwear, glad that his cargo pants were loose enough to not make his hard on noticeable.  
  
   “Hm?” the older one hummed, squeezing Hiro’s hand even though both of their palms were kind of sweaty, he didn’t care.  
  
   “I think it’s my turn... to finally leave a mark on you.” He brought up, and Tadashi poked his head up from his neck to look him in the eyes.

   Tadashi slid his hands back down his arms, and moving them away so Hiro could prop himself up. His eyes lingered on his younger brother, as he watched him support himself with one arm, as the other one tugged at his v-neck.

   “So I just suck?” Hiro asked and the older one nodded having to hold back a snicker at such an innocent question.

   Hiro bit his bottom lip partly because he was a little nervous, but mostly to put on a show for Tadashi. He surprised Tadashi by first, giving him a quick peck on the lips, before delving into that spot on his chest he had exposed. His hand formed a tight fist, the fabric of his brother’s shirt in his grasp as he held it just below the spot where his lips were. He used this moment to experiment. Mimicking all the things his brother had already done to him. The dragging of his teeth, the tugging at skin, the sucking... the kisses. All of it. And he decided to make more than just one love bite, pulling shirt even farther to the side not caring whether or not he was stretching it out.

   Tadashi let out a shuddering breath when Hiro found the most sensitive part of his chest. And when he realized he could cause such a reaction out of his brother he had only become more determined to make him do it again.

   “Okay... I think you did it. You left your mark.” Tadashi interrupted when he couldn’t handle it anymore. He connected their lips once more, smiling as he does it... Hiro wrapped his arms around his neck perfectly content to being pulled back in for more kisses.

   So him and Tadashi were just microbots. Small components in this world that were drawn to stick together... to move together... to work together. Hiro slid his fingers through the hair on the back of the older one’s head as their tongues clashed together. They were just two microbots, and if they ever got separated all they had to do was find each other again and their polarity towards one another would do the rest.


	9. The Storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was listening to "Look After You" by The Fray all throughout writing this chapter if you want to check it out. Gives me some serious feels about these guys. Particularly for this story.

**Chapter 9//** The Storm

  _“Save it. I promised I’d give you space...” he looked back at Aunt Cass. “Are you going to be okay taking him home? I just wanted to make sure he was okay...”_

    Tadashi had walked out of that room without looking back. He just went right to where Honey Lemon was waiting for him. Back in the emergency room where patients not so patiently waited for medical attention. He set a gentle hand on her shoulder.   
  
   “Sorry to make you drive me over here so fast. He’s fine, we can get back to the others now.” Tadashi spoke in an expressionless tone, which triggered a worrying glance from Honey.  
  
    “Are you sure you wouldn’t like to stay here with him, Tadashi? You were really worried about him, and we understand if you need to stay here.” she reassured, and his body sort of tensed in a way that caused alarm, but when Tadashi saw that he instantly relaxed.  
  
   “No. It’s really fine. Honey Lemon. He’s got Aunt Cass... Eh... He doesn’t need me here.” Tadashi insisted.   
  
   “Okay, okay if you’re sure... we can go.” Honey Lemon replied softly.

   “I’m sure. Thanks again Honey.” he mumbled as the two of them walked out the sliding door together.

   When they were back at Wasabi’s place, they had found that the rest of the crew had indulged in some drinking of the alcohol which caused Tadashi to laugh a bit.   
  
   “Ooh Tadashi’s back!” Fred called out stumbling over to hand him a beer. “You look like you could use this, bro.”

   “Thanks but... I’m good.” Tadashi attempted to push it back, but Gogo stepped in at that moment wrapping her arm around his shoulder. When he heard a familiar pop of bubble gum beside his ear he shuddered passively.   
  
   “Come on, nurse Tadashi, you got this.” she slurred and he shook his head, though smiling nonetheless.   
  
   “Alright, alright. You’ve convinced me.” he resolved, and he heard woops from all but one voice as he took his first swig of beer.

   “You guys really shouldn’t force him to drink.” Honey Lemon piped in, as Tadashi made a choking sound on his beer.

   “They’re not forcing me.” he began to defend as his eyes watered, “maybe I do need to loosen up for once.”

   “...Mmkay if you’re sure.” she mumbled, and he confirmed it with a nod indulging in another sip. The burn not going down any better, but at least this time he didn’t choke on it. And then before he knew it, Tadashi had two beers under his belt.   
  
   “Look the nurse, is finally coming around.” Gogo teased and Tadashi let out a little laugh. He had to admit, he did feel pretty light...   
  
   “So how’s Hiro? You never said...” Wasabi brought up, and the Tadashi’s shoulders sort of slump forward when all eyes were on him.   
  
   “He sort of got into a fight. Little bruised, but he’s fine. Aunt Cass is with him,” just then his phone buzzed and he used that as an excuse to draw his attention away from his friends. “Oh speaking of, she sent me a text just now saying her and Hiro are on their way home right now.”

   Fred raised his beer to that, and together they continued their night of bevs, and nerd banter. Wasabi and Fred ended up getting into a little tiff over who was the better super hero between _Spider Man_ or _Batman_ , which reeled Gogo into a debate over DC heroes versus Marvel heroes. One that no one could fully agree on... Eventually Tadashi tuned them out when he noticed Honey Lemon had shifted just a little closer to him.

   He turned his head, and smiled fondly at her. Sure he was a little bit buzzed, but he had always found her to be attractive. She reminded him of a girl he once adored very much back when he was just a little freshman in high school. A girl much older, but had similar qualities to Honey Lemon. A fierce passion for science, and eccentric personalities that stood out from the rest. Something Tadashi was very into as well...   
  
   “You’re so pretty...” he let slip, and it really was an accident, or in the moment. Whatever. But he had leaned into her ear to say it; quiet enough where the arguing bunch across the room didn’t quite catch it.

   Honey Lemon gave him a sad look which caused him to draw his head back. “I’ve always wanted you to say that... but not like this.” she told him, and instantly he felt a wave of guilt flood over him.   
  
  “Oh...” he replied feeling like an idiot boy not at all that sure of how to recover from that except to say, “Well hopefully I’ll have the confidence to say it again when I’m not like this...”   
  
  He thought he heard her whisper the words, “hopefully,” back at him but it was hard to tell because Fred was jumping into his lap out of no where.   
  
  “Nurse! Nurse! I need a nurse!” he wailed. “ Wasabi pinched me!”

   “Wasabi.” Tadashi scolded but he was definitely laughing about it.

   “What? He was asking for it.” Wasabi grumbled causing Fred to scoff indignantly.   
  
   “I so did not ASK for you to pinch me! Who would ask to be pinched, it’s like being pulled back into the horrible depths of reality. And who would want _THAT_?”   
  
   And like an unsuspecting pinch, Tadashi was pulled back into the “horrible depths of reality” when he thought back to how he abandoned Hiro. Sitting here getting drunk of all things. He suddenly didn’t feel too much like being with his friends anymore.   
  
  “So I should probably head home after all.” Tadashi mentioned carefully setting Fred in to the spot where he was sitting. Which was an interesting sight for once he had stood up Fred was nuzzling his face into the couch cushion where Tadashi’s butt had just been resting.   
  
   “Aaah thanks for keeping this spot warm.” Fred cooed and Tadashi just sighed at him.

  He was walked out by Honey Lemon where he was told to walk his moped home, and not to ride it. Which he agreed to since she was only looking out for him after all. The Lucky Cafe wasn’t but two blocks away anyhow. They exchanged hugs, and Tadashi stumbled his way on home. When he got there. Hiro and him talked.

_“Okay, so... are we good?”_ The younger one had asked by the end of the conversation. And yes... They were good because Tadashi could never hold a grudge against Hiro. Especially when he deserved half the flack his brother thew his way. Tadashi knew he was weighing his younger brother down. He knew that there had been damage that he caused. Damage that was a repercussion of trying to heal wounds before they had a chance to fade.   
  
   He knew. God damn it, Tadashi knew that there were unspoken words between them. And Hiro was trying to speak them, and Tadashi just wasn’t ready to hear them. No matter how many times he egged Hiro on to tell him what was going on, he sort of knew the younger one wouldn’t say a damn thing. And of course he knew he would be hesitant. And it was for the same exact reason Tadashi never said anything either.

   Hiro was growing to hate him for the things his older brother had done to him. Suffocate him. Maybe that’s why he acted out so much because he was damaging his brother more than he was helping him... God only knew how lucky Tadashi was that Hiro kept everything that went on between them to himself. Tadashi had infected his brother. Poisoned him. Made him believe he needed Tadashi in order to survive. But it was only because Tadashi _needed_ Hiro to survive. He knew it was messed up. It was really messed up, but Hiro was finally old enough to have his own mind. And no matter how hard Tadashi tried to reel him into SFIT, he knew Hiro would do anything to do the exact opposite.   
  
   His little brother was beginning to realize that he didn’t need Tadashi after all. And that really tore the older one apart. He had _suffocated_ his brother. Those were words that came from Hiro himself. Only Tadashi knew how true it really was. Even Hiro didn’t know all of the things... Why he _often_ moaned for Tadashi in his sleep...   
  
   The other day may have been the first time Tadashi actually woke him from a wet dream, but it wasn’t the first time he had witnessed it. Caused them. God he deserved to go to hell... And especially for the last one.   
  
  _“Hiro! Hiro!”_ Tadashi remembered shaking him awake in guilt. He was on his way downstairs, when he had gone to his sleeping brother; sitting on the edge of his bed as his eyes lingered on his little brother just a moment too long...  
  
   When he snapped out of his trance Tadashi realized he had been in the shower for too long, because the water had started to run cold causing goose bumps to form down his back. He hardly remembered stepping into the shower, but it was the day after their talk. Then it all sort of spilled back into his mind... everything that happened over the last few days.   
  
   “You touched him.” Tadashi whispered to himself dragging his finger tips over his scalp. “He was laying there sleeping... and you did _that_ to him. You’re own brother...” he shook his head furiously as tears leaked from the corner of his eyes. “You don’t deserve to cry you piece of shit.” he closed his eyes as flashes of what happened went through his mind...  
  
   Hiro had still been sleeping, when Tadashi heard him make a little mumble. A faint “dashi...” was what drew him in. Even though he told himself to ignore it, Hiro had lured him in with that one simple word. And he was just laying curled up on his side facing away from Tadashi. The older brother set a hand on his hip, his fingers going under his shirt. His brother was so warm. A sharp inhale drew from Hiro almost made him pull back, but Tadashi knew at this point how heavy of a sleeper Hiro was. When Hiro turned so he was laying on his back Tadashi’s heart thumped knowing he should stop, but his hand was only going further up the boy’s shirt... splaying his fingers across the younger one’s abdomen. It had been years... literally years... since he had done this... He thought he was done for good. No this was bad. He had to stop before he did something he would really regret.

   “Hiro, I’m sorry...” he whispered and his other hand slowly made it’s way to the waistband of his pajama pants. He didn’t dare go underneath, but that didn’t stop him from palming his younger brother through the fabric. His brother shifted in closer, his eyebrows knitted together, but still asleep. Tadashi was gentle knowing harsh movements might wake him. And dear god it was a slow build up. His brother whimpered helplessly for him in his sleep. Never once saying stop... but _"_ _more... please more..."_ And he knew Hiro didn’t know any better. He knew Hiro was asleep. He knew his brother wouldn’t know what had happened when he woke.   
  
   Tadashi pulled his hand out from under his shirt to run his fingers through Hiro’s damp hair as he whined in his sleep for him. The helpless cries turning Tadashi on, but he didn’t do a damn thing about it... He just wanted to feel his brother come. This was the only way he’d ever be able to risk such a shameful thing.   
  
   “I love you,” he heard Hiro say muffled and it wrenched a pang of guilt as he felt his brother release through the fabric. A lucid moment flooded over Tadashi. He decided to wake Hiro in a panic.

    _“Hiro! Hiro!”_ His mind echoed the words, and poor poor Hiro had thought that it was his fault. He thought Tadashi had walked in on him having a wet dream all on his subconscious’s own volition, but no, it was Tadashi who had forced him into it.

   This was his way of telling Hiro that it was him. He was too much of a coward to say it directly, but he had to give him a sign. Maybe he would finally stop for good, if Hiro knew he needed to be afraid of his older brother. Sure, maybe he wouldn’t be afraid in the sense, “Tadashi is a danger to my health,” it might be in a different way, “my feelings are dangerous for Tadashi and I can’t let him know,” And yes, maybe that was what Tadashi was going for, so neither of them had to face the honesty of their relationship. So Tadashi could live in ignorance for a while longer. He had a real problem that he wasn’t ready to face. He was a monster... He was a fucking child molester for christ sake.  
  
   Tadashi had thought of suicide often. He did. But no matter how twisted he was, he knew that killing himself would also ruin Hiro...maybe even to the point of doing the same thing. Tadashi was a lovely rose, pretty to look at, sentimental, kind, and full of love and ideals of love... But he also was infested with thorns. And his thorns were woven deep into Hiro’s flesh. He made it so Hiro always stayed close to him.

   Pulling out objects that penetrated deep, ripping them, tugging to fast... it could kill faster that way rather than if had they had just left the damage sit there. And that’s what Tadashi needed to do. He needed to leave Hiro alone. Maybe he couldn’t dig out the thorns that already punctured his skin, but he could stop from himself from causing more harm to his little brother. Hiro wasn’t a completely lost cause like Tadashi. Hiro still had time to possibly undo some of the damage that had been done on his own. It didn’t have to be too late for him.

   Maybe Tadashi couldn’t off himself. But he could make Hiro hate him. He knew the more he pestered him with school the more freedom the brother wanted. Tadashi knew it was sick to use his own venom against his brother, but Hiro was so damn desperate to keep his feelings to himself that Tadashi found a way to use that to his own advantage.   
  
  _‘That’s right be a good brother, and keep trying to push Hiro away before you really hurt him.’_ As the cynical thought crossed his mind Tadashi’s mind slipped back to Honey Lemon... Maybe he could make it work with her. Maybe he could be normal, and eventually his feelings and urges for his younger brother would die down... Maybe he could grow to love someone else, if not for his own sake, then for Hiro’s sake. 

\---

   Well that had been the plan. Until Christmas Eve happened. Stupid, stupid Tadashi couldn’t keep his hands off him when his brother tried to wriggle out of the situation they had been spontaneously thrown into. Hiro had been doing the right thing, trying to get away from the awkwardness. Then everything had spiraled out of control from there. There was the moment where Tadashi tracked his brother down by the bridge. And about half way through Tadashi knew he was in way too deep. He couldn’t just make Hiro forget about him.

   It was truly, truly warped... But Tadashi had decided in that moment when he had suggested for them to stay confused, for them to essentially stay the same... When Hiro’s reaction was to hide his face in his shirt... He decided that was only going to lead to more thorns into Hiro’s flesh.

   So what did he do instead? He took him over to his bed. And he played in his mind how easy it would be to make Hiro his. If he hadn’t already marked his brother up enough with scars... what would one more really do? And that was the question in his mind that got to him. Tadashi had gotten to a point where he was nearly guiltless to what he had been doing to Hiro.

   Then his brother’s hand was going where he very much would have welcomed. If he really did lose that final shred of a conscience that was left inside him, but no, the older brother was still there. The one that really meant to protect Hiro, even if it meant from himself. Going to the couch wasn’t meant to be a punishment for Hiro. It was a punishment for himself. He could have easily had Hiro go back to his side of the room, but Tadashi didn’t even deserve to be able to share a room with him.

   And then, forwarding to when Hiro was in the garage. Tadashi folded under his words,   
  
  _“Maybe it’s you who needs to take a step back.”_

   There it was everything that validated how shitty of a person Tadashi was in one sentence. He didn’t deserve for Hiro to forgive him, he should not have made his brother pity him like he had. And he definitely didn’t deserve the marks he was staring at right now in the mirror.   
  
   With literally, everything that had happened these last crazy weeks... Tadashi stared at the marks in what he wanted to be disgust. His fourteen year old brother made these marks that littered the right side of his chest. And as badly as he wanted to enjoy them... he felt filthy. Dirty. He didn’t deserve his brother’s affections. He didn’t deserve Hiro’s love. That damn boy loved so unconditionally it made him weak at the knees just thinking about it.  
  
   Tadashi held on to either side of the sink to keep himself lifted up right, and he was afraid he might actually throw up with how disgusted he was with himself. His hands turned ghostly white with how tightly he gripped the sink. His face just as pale... _All we did was kiss. All we did was..._

   Tadashi let out a painful cry as his fist made contact with the face of the mirror. The most tiny crack was all the evidence that he had hit it at all. So he repeated the action watching as the crack expanded with each blow, throwing his punches as hard as he could even after he saw the blood dripping off his hand. He watched as shards of glass chipped off the mirror bouncing on to the sink and shattering into even smaller pieces as they hit the tiled floor.  
  
   The pain was blocked out by the mere shock in his own actions. Tadashi never threw a fit like this. He never let himself crack over his emotions. The obsession with pretending to be normal made him put one of the best liar’s mask on for the world. But right now he wasn’t calm... He was a storm. A violent one at that. God he really didn’t deserve to live... and if he did deserve to live it was only because he deserved to rot. He deserved to be put in jail and suffer for all the things he had done to his little brother. All he had to do was turn himself in...

   That’s when Hiro entered the bathroom. Tadashi stood there quietly holding his wrist.   
  
   “Tadashi? What the hell?!” Hiro had exclaimed. “Aunt Cass! Aunt Ca--” And before he could shout for her again, Tadashi had covered his brother’s mouth with his unbroken hand.   
  
   “She can’t know, Hiro.” he said calmly. “Please just come with me to the hospital.”   
  
   Hiro nodded his eyes wide and panicked. Tadashi had lowered his hand immediately not meaning to scare his brother like that.   
  
   “What.. why did you... I don’t understand...” Hiro stammered and Tadashi hated that he was making his brother cry. How could he screw up like this?

    “I’m sorry. I just... Everything is crumbling down around me at school. I wasn’t able to get my final project ready on time. Callaghan gave me an extension, but I only have a couple days left... and I just freaked out.” Tadashi lied off his ass, and Hiro instantly wrapped his arms around his older brother to console him.  
  
   “After we fix up your hand lets go to your school okay? I want to help you finish. I know you can do it Tadashi, please don’t hurt yourself like that ever again. Come talk to me... You don’t have to bottle everything up inside.” Hiro told him squeezing him tighter. “Tadashi. We’ll figure it out, so don’t give up, okay?”   
  
   “I-I wont.” Tadashi promised, and the guilt was overwhelming. But he couldn’t help but feel touched by his younger brother’s words. He wanted to be a rock for Tadashi. He wanted to be his anchor. Tadashi wanted to let him. He did. So maybe he could play this up. His project he was working on was still in beta, still had kinks that needed to be worked out... All he had to do was show it to Hiro... and hope to god Callaghan didn’t stop by as he showed it off. Because the truth was he was very impressed with Tadashi’s work, and there was hardly any pressure on him to fix the minor hiccups. It was just a convenient excuse.

   Hiro drove Tadashi’s moped to the hospital. He bandaged up Tadashi’s hand the best he could before they took off. His heart thumping loudly in his chest as his brother wrapped his arms around his waist as he started driving. It was silly to be flustered by such a little thing, but now that their feelings were out there the younger one couldn’t help that his body heat intensified by each touch his brother had to offer him.   
  
   When they arrived, it was a lot of waiting. A lot of silence and waiting. Tadashi wasn’t saying much, and Hiro wanted to respect that. He didn’t want to press him with more questions even though he could tell there were some things being left unsaid.

   After about a half hour passes, Hiro looked up at Tadashi noticing that his face looked rather sick. Like he had a stomach ache along with the broken hand. He gently reached for his older brother coaxing his hands with his. The pad of his thumb traced little circles on the hand supporting the broken one.   
  
  “Tadashi. Look at me. You’re okay. You hear me? Everything is going to be alright. I’m right here.” Hiro spoke watching as Tadashi slumped down in his chair shrinking in size as he leaned into his brother. His head rested on the younger one’s shoulder. Hiro hadn’t expected that Tadashi would physically lean on him for support. He felt the older one’s chest heave against his body, and in that moment Hiro knew had to be the strong one for once.   
  
  He looked around making sure they weren’t receiving any weird looks. When he noticed no one was really paying no mind to him he plants a kiss atop of Tadashi’s head.

   “Hey,” he whispered low in his ear, “I was thinking more about more about my microbots. How they reminded me of us? Well... they’re still like us, but they’re design comes from ants. Ants can carry over 50 times their body weight, and for an ant that’s pretty damn impressive. How something so small can carry so much heavier than them. And how if you multiply the numbers together they can carry an even heavier burden together...” Hiro knew it was a little risky to keep his head dipped low next to Tadashi’s ear like he was, but he figured if anyone was watching they had no reason to think anything of it. To the people around him, it just looked like he was comforting a friend who appeared to be in a lot of pain.   
  
   “I can help carry your load Tadashi.” Hiro mumbled, “You’ve been carrying and taking on so much. I’ve let you let my problems be yours far too long, but not letting your problems be my problems. We promised each other honesty... And I’m going to keep that promise.” he smiled softly even though his brother laid limp in his arms. Even though he was seemingly unresponsive, Hiro felt like for once he felt he might actually be able to help Tadashi with one of his problems instead of Tadashi keeping it all to himself.   
  
   “Tadashi Hamada.” Hiro nudged his brother as his name was called. He helped his brother stand, and together they made their way over to the nurse.   
  
   Hiro had to leave his brother when they took X-Rays of his hand. As he was left alone Hiro tried his best to shut out all the sick people around him. But it was nearly impossible. Their was so much energy in the room that dragged him down. At least when he had Tadashi leaning on him he could just focus on him. Hiro felt like he could take on Tadashi’s pain, but the rest of the world... it was definitely overwhelming.   
  
   After a couple of hours Tadashi was sporting a splint, and left with a prescription for the pain. On the drive back home Tadashi became rather confused when his brother made a detour to the San Fransokyo bridge. They stood under the bridge by the river, and Tadashi stayed on the bike as Hiro stepped off and took off his helmet.   
  
   He squinted his eyes at his younger brother as he was lead off the moped.

   “Shoes off,” Hiro said going down on is knees, “Don’t worry I’ll do it just lift your foot.” Tadashi blinked still not understanding why he needed to take his shoes off, but he used his good hand to support himself on Hiro’s shoulder as he tugged off his shoes and socks.

   There was so much he needed to tell Hiro, but he had turned into a stupid caveman where no words at all were coming out. Just a little grunt when he almost fell over as Hiro dragged him over by the river. He paused as his brother went first stepping on the rocks along the shore. The water barely drowning them at the surface.

   “We’re going to that big rock over there.” Hiro directed pointing about twenty feet ahead of them.   
Tadashi nodded following his brother carefully until they reached the rock. Really it was only enough for one person to sit, with their feet dipped in the water, but when Hiro settled in between his brother’s legs neither of them had spoke up to complain about it.

   Hiro had to wrap Tadashi’s arms around his midsection for him, but he didn’t mind. He knew there was something that was distracting the older brother. So he took him to the one place that always brought him peace.

   “I like this spot. I come here after a bot fight sometimes.” Hiro told him, and Tadashi had to refrain from telling him that he knew this already. He was sure that Hiro had figured that bit out for himself already anyway.   
  
   “This is my favorite time to be here after the sun has set, and the lights are their brightest. We don’t really see stars here. But this has it’s own sort of peace to it.” Hiro leans into his brother subtly soaking in his warmth. Sitting by the river tonight was a little chilly, and with their feet dipped in the cool water made Tadashi appreciate the warmth his brother radiated even more so.   
  
  “It makes me think about how everything sort of works. The structure of the buildings, how it all fits together like it does. Everything has it’s own unique purpose.” Hiro continued, and Tadashi finally hummed to let his brother know he was listening.   
  
   “I didn’t take you for the sentimental type.” Tadashi spoke and Hiro just shrugged.  
  
   “Even I can appreciate someone elses’ intelligent design. I mean, it’s sort of what inspires my ideas. I know I’m not like an architect or anything... But you know, a building, a bridge, a robot... they are all structures that were built with these...” Hiro’s voice trailed away as he interlocked his fingers with Tadashi’s.

  “Sure there is a brain behind those hands... but...” Hiro bit his lip, and Tadashi felt a sudden rush of affection for his little brother. How did he get so wise all of a sudden? Of course, he knew he was intelligent, beyond belief at times. But these words, they were sort of beautiful...   
  
   “...What is it?” Tadashi asked not expecting him to stop mid sentence.

   “I’ll be your hands for now... But when your hand does heal again, as it heals, it wont ever be put together as structurally sound as it was before. So you have to take care of it, okay?” Hiro paused for a moment before continuing on, “It made me wonder something. What about the melt down that caused it? Your mind needs to heal too. And maybe things in there wont be exactly the same once you do start to feel better, but that’s okay... because you still work. You are still you.” Hiro mentioned as a small sigh escaped his lips.   
  
   “And what if ‘still me’ isn’t all that great? What if... ‘still me’ wants to do really terrible things, and I can’t stop myself? If I wont ever be whole again... if what you’re saying is true, that I won’t be as structurally sound... isn’t that saying I’ll be weaker? What if I can’t control myself Hiro?” Tadashi wondered before he could keep the feeling inside. Hiro being so honest, and so pure made him weak.   
  
   “Well, then you are just going to have to do those terrible things Tadashi... because I’m not going anywhere.”


	10. Terrible Things

**Author’s Warning:** This chapter contains some really heavy stuff. Triggering and just really terrible. I know this fic is tagged with warnings, but this chapter in particular may be hard for some people to read especially those who have been bullied or a victim of sexual assault.   

**Chapter 10//** Terrible Things

            Tadashi was absolutely thrilled. He finally met the age requirement to attend a robotics camp, he had been dying to go to for the past year now. The camp had only been for those between the ages of ten to fifteen, and now that he was ten, he was finally old enough to go. It took a little convincing since his Aunt was hesitant for him to be gone a whole month, but how could she tell him no when it was one of the only things that really got him excited since his parents passed away?

            On the night before he would be gone for a whole month Aunt Cass read her boys a bed time story, tucking them in afterwards with a kiss goodnight. Once she was downstairs Hiro pulled off his covers, and walked back over to his brother’s bed where he had been just a moment ago.

            “Tadashi?” He mumbled crawling on to the bed, hovering over his brother who was turned on his side.

            “Yeah Hiro?” he asked rolling on to his back again to face his brother. His face fell when he saw tears leak out from the corner of his little brother’s eyes.

            “I don’t want you to leave.” He said wiping the tears away quickly. Hiro didn’t want to be a baby about his brother leaving, but he had never been apart from Tadashi before.

            Tadashi held up his covers for Hiro to curl up next to him. “I know, I know I don’t want to leave you behind, but I really want to go. This camp is going to teach me so much, and I promise I will teach you everything I learn once I’m back.” Tadashi assured.

            “I’m going to be so bored.” Hiro whined exhaling dramatically as he snuggled up close, using his older brother’s chest as a pillow.

            The older brother sighed with him, and ran his fingers idly through the mess on top of the five year old’s head.

            “Aunt Cass is fun. She’ll be good enough until I’m back right?” Tadashi asked. Leaving Hiro behind was going to be just as hard on him as it was for Hiro.

            “I guess.” Hiro responded bitterly, “She’s gonna make me bake so many cupcakes my head is going to explode.”

            Tadashi laughed at that because he only knew how true that was. “Well just make sure you leave me some, because I know one thing for sure is that I am going to miss her cooking while I’m away.”

            Hiro hummed in response, wrapping his arm around Tadashi’s midsection giving him a tiny squeeze.

            “Do you think I could fit in your suitcase? We don’t have to tell Aunt Cass. It can be our little secret.”

            “You know, I bet you could, but I don’t how well you’d be able to get oxygen with all the clothes I’ve got packed in there.” Tadashi mentioned looking down at his brother when he was being hugged.

            “I’m gonna miss you buddy.” He told him, Hiro nodding in response. His heart ached a little now that his little brother had gone all quiet.

            At first he thought it might have been because he had fallen asleep. Which might have actually been the case had it not been for the death grip he had as he continued to hold on to Tadashi. And the older brother laid there thinking about how his little brother was holding on to this moment. He thought about how Hiro must be thinking as long as he held on with all his might Tadashi would just stay there at his side forever.

Tadashi didn’t know it at that moment, but later he would think back on the last moment they shared together before he left. He would think back to when his little brother just wanted him to stay there, and hold him close. And when Tadashi would think back to how Hiro must have felt, it would tear him apart. There was no way he could have known in this moment how badly he would regret that he didn’t just stay in their little eternity where Hiro laid here with him until they were both fast asleep. There was no possible way he could have known it then, but their innocent moment they shared together would never be the same for either of them after this day. If he had known, maybe things could have been different.

            The first week of camp was one of the most surreal feelings Tadashi had ever experienced. For someone as young as him, to be exposed to nature and technology at the same time, two things coexisting together was unheard of until he came here. Everyone was assigned cabins with according to their genders. The ages were mixed together so the older kids could act as mentors for the new kids attending. Tadashi was grouped with three others. Chase, Holland, and a boy named Fred. Holland was thirteen, and Chase was fifteen. Tadashi was sure he had to at least be the same age as Fred who had a very young feminine face, with shaggy sandy blonde hair. But he found out that even Fred was two years older than he was.

            Being the youngest of his group felt a little intimidating at first, but after they were all introduced Tadashi found that the four of them actually got on quite well. After a week of bonding, making s’mores over a campfire, and learning more about robotics; There was a surprise visitor Robert Callaghan himself. He gave the group a more in-depth knowledge of _Callaghan’s Law of Robotics_ which Tadashi soaked in every word. He spoke highly of this camp, saying it was a great way to shape young minds like theirs.

            After his presentation Tadashi still awe-struck made his way over to the Professor. He introduced himself rather suddenly which made the professor smile down at him.

            “Tadashi Hamada? I believe my brother has had you as a student a couple years back.” He mentioned humming in recognition.

            “Yes sir. I-I didn’t think you would know that.” Tadashi replied a blush forming on his face.

            “Well normally I wouldn’t remember such a thing, but my brother was very impressed with a project of yours and he said that, I especially would have been intrigued by it.” The professor revealed.

            “You saw my- my pocket sized first aid robot?!” Tadashi exclaimed.

            “I believed you called it a ‘Compact Nurse’?” he recalled and Tadashi nodded in response.

            “Yeah-” Tadashi cleared his throat not believing that Robert Callaghan of all people had already known about him- a ten year old aspiring mind.

            “Well Tadashi, I will tell you this. Don’t let your ideas on a robotic nurse stop there. I think that you can one day build something even greater than a first aid kit.” He assured, then placed a gentle hand on the boy’s shoulder.

            Tadashi opened his mouth to tell him that he would keep inventing when one of the camp advisor’s hurriedly came over, ushering him away from the Professor.

            “Sorry about that Professor.”

            “Oh not at all. I’ll make all the time in the world for a mind like his.” The professor called over. Tadashi craned his head back and noticed Callaghan giving him one last assuring nod before he disappeared from sight.

            After that day, camp didn’t turn out to be all so great. Apparently, it caught wind that Tadashi was a “suck up” to the Professor after his presentation. He didn’t have time to talk to everyone, so the fact that Tadashi thought he was special enough to march right up to him ruffled some of the other campers’ feathers. Tadashi clenched his fists tightly at his side when he walked back to his cabin each day, some of the kids dared to walk up and shove him trying to rile him up. He quickened his footsteps until a couple of the older kids were following him at his heels. His head spanned in every direction, looking around for a counselor, but there wasn’t one in sight. That instantly struck panic in him, since there usually were so many of them around.

            For a ten year old to have to a fight or flight instinct rush over him as a bunch of fifteen year olds circled him, nearly caused his knees buckle under the stress. His only option was to try to run. Tadashi chose the two smallest of the older kids to try and squeeze past them. But the two of them combined easily shoved Tadashi on to the dirt ground.

            “We haven’t seen you swim once all summer,” one of the kids’ chimed in, “maybe us mentors should teach you how, right now.”

            Tadashi shook his head furiously as two of the older kids lifted him by his arms, and dragged him down to the lake. Tadashi thrashed under their grip, as he tirelessly tried to free himself.

            “Hey!  Let go of me! Somebody _help_!” Tadashi yelled when he felt a hard punch thrown into his side.

            “Shut up or we are going to make it even worse for you, retard.” Another spat.

            Tadashi groaned quietly, silently hoping that someone would intervene soon. When they finally reached the dock, Tadashi was hoisted up by two of the boys. He writhed under their grasp, but when they reached the end dock Tadashi feared for his life. If he really was going to be left to drown he didn’t want his last moments to be wasted. Tadashi took in a deep breath and closed his eyes.

            “Hiro…” he whispered, ‘ _I’m sorry.’_

Not but seconds later there was water filling Tadashi’s nostrils, and the calls from the others to hurry and run faded away, as his feet tried to find the bottom to kick himself up. His heart beat quickened when couldn’t find the bottom, and started to flail his arms as he tried to fight his way back above the surface.

            He didn’t expect a feeling of calmness enter him so soon. His body was tired from fighting, and a certain peace entered his mind. His little brother, Hiro, would have to grow up not only an orphan, but without a brother too-? Tadashi pleaded in his mind, if there was a God, or just anyone, who could hear his thoughts, if he lived through this. He promised he would do everything to protect Hiro. He had to live for him. His reason for living he found it there in that moment.

            Air being forced into your lungs was not a pleasant sensation. Coughing up water was even less pleasant. But breathing air. Actually being able to breathe on his own. That was a blessing he would never take for granted ever again. When his eyes came into focus again, Tadashi laid eyes on his oldest cabin mate Chase.

            “Tadashi I’m so glad you’re alright!” he called out throwing his arms around Tadashi. And because Tadashi was so lost, and so confused he hugged him back. He began to sob in his arms, as his friend consoled him.

            “You’re alright,” Chase assured, “You’re alright. Let’s go get you dry, okay?” Tadashi nodded, and leaned into him as he guided Tadashi back to their cabin.

            “How did you know where I was?” Tadashi wondered.

            “I saw what they were doing and followed you. I didn’t have time to grab somebody, so I waited until they were out of sight to rescue you. I’m so glad you’re alright.” He repeated and Tadashi silently thanked him for saving his life.

            When he reached the cabin Chase informed him that everybody else was out in the dining hall for dinner.

            “Do you want to get some food?” he asked Tadashi, and he just shook his head.

            “I’m fine. I’ll just stay here.” He mumbled, and Chase began drying him off with a towel.

            “I’ll stay here with you.” Chase assured, and Tadashi nodded.

            The truth was Tadashi was still was really shaken up. He didn’t know if Chase really did hear his little prayer after all. Whatever the reason he was still standing here right now, Tadashi felt forever indebted.

            “You’re clothes we should… get them off…” he mentioned and Tadashi nodded making a move to grab his pajamas when Chase stepped in front of him.

            “Hey. Relax. I’ll do it.” Chase said, and Tadashi froze in his spot. _‘Oh no…’_ his mind began to shut down. It was like he had been thrown into the lake all over again. Tadashi was stripped of his clothes, and pushed back on to his bed.

            “I’ll tuck you in.” and Tadashi just laid there as the boy pulled his blanket over the two of them. His body shrugged inward on itself but the older one would stretch him out again. His fingers intruding in places that made him squirm in ways that made his mind go completely blank.

Then there Tadashi was floating over the bed, looking down at the two bodies in the bed, one definitely was still his own. However, it didn’t feel like it was him just lying there lifeless. He saw what was happening. A boy forcing himself inside, rocking his hips against his still body. Tadashi could only feel the hot tears run down his cheeks. The rest of himself was numb. And the actions being done to him were harsh, and done without consent. He hardly even understood what was being done at all.

            Well, he understood what it was… The question of the matter, was _why-_ Tadashi didn’t understand how someone who had been his friend this whole time, someone who saved him from drowning, someone he had looked up to over the past couple of weeks was doing this to him.

            When it was over, really over, Tadashi didn’t move a muscle. He didn’t speak, or try to fight. His body was tired, exhausted at that, and the heavy body panting on top of him hardly made any sense. Tadashi felt lost. All he wanted was to be at home again, and forget he had ever came to this horrible place at all.

            Tadashi didn’t get his wish until the last day of camp, when Aunt Cass had arrived to pick him up. He flinched when she pulled him into a hug. And ignored Hiro the whole way home as he inquired about every detail of his adventures from the last month.

            “Not now Hiro. I’m tired.” Tadashi replied finally when the younger one was tugging at his shirt asking him if everything was alright.

            Hiro poked his Aunt Cass from behind, “I think Tadashi is sad that he had to leave. Maybe we should get him some ice cream?”

            “No! I don’t ever want to go back there!” Tadashi shouted suddenly, “Please I don’t want any ice cream. I just want to go home.”

            Hiro turned back to look at his distraught older brother. “…Dashi?” he mumbled and the older one just shook his head.

            “Tadashi, honey, what’s wrong? What happened?” Aunt Cass asked with her eyebrows furrowed.

            “Nothing. I just didn’t like it.” Tadashi spoke much quieter than before.

            Hiro frowned, “If you didn’t like it we should have come and got you.”

            “I-I couldn’t leave. They wouldn’t let me call you unless it was an emergency…” Tadashi’s voice trailed away. “I’m sorry. I’ll cheer up soon, okay? I’m back home with you after all.”       

Hiro opened his mouth to protest, but the older brother was already looking back out the window once again.

            That night Hiro laid with his brother as Aunt Cass read them a bed time story. She knew how much the brothers’ had missed each other. Especially Hiro. He spent every day talking about all the things they should do for Tadashi when he returned, and the Aunt knew they had a bond that could not ever be broken.

            She gave her boys good night kisses, smiling when she saw Hiro was fast asleep under Tadashi’s arm.

            “You want me to move him over to his bed?” she asked and Tadashi shook his head.

            “No its okay, Aunt Cass.” He assured, and she smiled ruffling the older one’s hair before heading back down stairs, and turning off their light.

            That night Tadashi spent thinking about how he had spent every night the last couple of weeks, with his camp roommate crawling into his bed after the others had fallen asleep.

            Tadashi looked over at Hiro who was fast asleep, and Tadashi knitted his eyebrows together as he thought about terrible things.

            There was no way to tune it out. Tadashi was trapped silently screaming even though it was all behind him now. His head pounding as Hiro curled in closer to him. He was so little, and trusted his brother so willingly it made Tadashi feel disgusted with himself.

            Tadashi was so filthy, and dirty- how could he ever be able to watch over his brother if he couldn’t even watch over himself?

            Curiosities filled his mind, and it seemed to block out all the bad things that were done to him. But to project them on to someone else? And that someone else being his brother nonetheless? Tadashi’s heart pounded as his hand moved towards his brother’s abdomen. His hand slid under the waist band of his pants as he grabbed ahold of his member.

            The older one stroked, and whined wishing he would stop. He kept whispering, “I’m sorry.” Over and over into his brother’s ear as he did it. The other one stayed asleep under his arm, his face buried into Tadashi’s side.

            It only took three nights for Aunt Cass to figure it out. Hiro waking up disoriented, and confused. The older brother spontaneously crying at random parts of the day. The aunt had no idea what to do, but when she caught Tadashi in the middle of the night, she grabbed the older one off the bed, and held him in her arms.

            “Tadashi.” Her voice shook. “ _No_.”

            “I’m sorry Aunt Cass. I’m sorry.” He sobbed which caused Hiro to stir awake.

            “Hiro go back to bed. Tadashi just had a bad dream.” Their Aunt said strictly. She pulled the older one downstairs, and sat him on the couch.

            “Tadashi… what’s going on?” she questioned knowing that he had changed since returning from camp. His sudden mood swings, and avoiding Hiro ever since he got home. Then tonight she heard faint cries she couldn’t just ignore.

            “I-I am sorry Aunt Cass.” He repeated. “I’m dirty.”

            “No. No you aren’t. If somebody did something bad to you. You aren’t the dirty one.” She spoke trying to stay strong for him. Inside she was fuming with anger. She hated that this happened to her nephew.

            Tadashi nodded, “Another boy at camp he would crawl into my bed and…” he hid his face in his hands feeling nothing but shame. “I didn’t mean to hurt Hiro. Aunt Cass. I’m sorry.”

            “You _didn’t_ hurt Hiro.” She told him, “You aren’t going to hurt your brother okay. Trust me. I know you Tadashi… you won’t ever do anything like that again. Because you know how awful it is.”   

            He nodded at her words. “I’m sorry.”

            “Tadashi. You have to promise me, honey.” She spoke clearly.

            “I want you to tell me that you won’t repeat what happened to you.”

            “I won’t Aunt Cass. I promise. I won’t. I’m so _sorry_ …” he stammered, and she set a gentle hand on his shoulder.

            “Alright. And I promise you, that no one will ever do that to you again. You’re safe now. And we’re going to get you some help.” She spoke and Tadashi nodded wanting so desperately to believe her. He wanted to believe that he was going to be okay.

           

 


	11. Alone Together

**Chapter 11//** Alone Together                 

_They say we are what we are_   
_But we don’t have to be_   
_I’m bad behavior but I do it in the best way_   
_I’ll be the watcher (watcher) of the eternal flame_   
_I’ll be the guard dog of all your fever dreams_   
_(oh...) I am the sand in the bottom half of the hourglass. (glass, glass)_   
_(oh...) I’ll try to picture me without you but I can’t_

                Their bodies were pushed against one another as the sound of the concert hall grew in volume. Everyone was pushed together, but Hiro only felt Tadashi’s presence. The way his arm linked across his lower back and held him close. They weren’t quite near the stage, but they weren’t up on the balcony either. They stood on the floor, somebody surrounding them from every angle. Lots of somebodies. But again, all Hiro was focused on was the heat of Tadashi’s body. Hiro looked up at his older brother whose eyes were fixated on the stage. Like what he was doing was nothing. That such contact between the two of them could be so simple.

            “I wish I could see.” Hiro called over the music, and Tadashi looked down at him with a smug expression.

            “You’re a little too big to fit on my shoulders now a days.” He replied and Hiro just shook his head.

_'Cause we could be immortals, immortals_   
_Just not for long, for long_   
_And if we meet forever now, pull the blackout curtains down_   
_Just not for long, for long_   
_We could be immortals, immortals, immortals, immortals_

Tadashi swayed against Hiro, and the younger one couldn’t help the smile that spread across his face. He hadn’t expected the concert to be so intimate for them, and the best part was that no one cared. No one was paying attention to the brothers. All the focus was on Fall Out Boy, and Hiro couldn’t stop himself from swaying too. His adrenaline matching the energy of the crowd, and for a minute, he could just lose himself in the song. In Tadashi.

_Sometimes the only payoff for having any faith_   
_Is when it’s tested again and again everyday_   
_I’m still comparing your past to my future_   
_It might be your wound, but they’re my sutures_

When they were back at home, they both crept carefully up the stairs making sure to be as quiet as possible not wanting to awaken their Aunt. The two boys held hands all the way up the stairs, and then Tadashi was tugging Hiro to his corner of the room. Hiro hadn’t expected such forwardness from his brother. Especially with the breakdown he had a couple of days ago. The splint his hand was still sporting, was evidence enough that it actually happened.

            His eyes stared up at the older one in wonder. He carefully sat on the edge of his bed, and watched as Tadashi relieved himself of his shirt. Hiro soaked in every detail. Everything from muscle definition, to the faded bruises he left, to the hairs on his chest. There wasn’t much, but it was still more than what he had. Hiro’s heart thumped heavily in his chest.

‘ _Didn’t he say… no sex?’_ He couldn’t stop the thought from crossing his mind. Tadashi’s knee slid on the bed, and was leaning into the younger one’s space; Hiro was forced to do scoot back, his brother continuing to crowd him until Hiro was leaning back. Tadashi hovered over him with narrowing eyes.

            “Tadashi?” Hiro spoke quietly.

 _I am the sand, bottom half of the hourglass. (glass, glass)_ _  
I’ll try to picture me without you but I can’t_

            Hiro pressed his lips against Tadashi’s to try to snap him out of his little trance. The older one parted his lips almost instantly for Hiro. Hiro brought his hand up to the back of Tadashi’s head allowing his brother to explore. What he hadn’t expected was to feel his hand slip under his shirt so fast. Usually the older one was more calculated, more held back, but there was a _need_ to his touch. And how could Hiro deny that need when his brother has done nothing but look after him his whole life? Besides, Hiro could stay like this forever and be perfectly content.

            And then his thighs were being spread apart, and he winced. The cuts hidden by his clothes weren’t completely healed, and he was actually quite certain that they were infected. But he couldn’t let Tadashi find that out. _God,_ then there Tadashi was _groping_ his thigh.

            “Aah-” Hiro gasped, his face scrunching up as a reaction.

            Tadashi smirked into the younger one’s lips finding his noises to be encouraging. He lifts Hiro’s leg over his shoulder, and began rocking his hips against him.

            The younger one writhed beneath him not expecting to _feel_ his brother in that way. He turned his head to the side breaking their kiss, and Tadashi used it to his advantage by placing kisses on the exposed part of Hiro’s neck. His hand pressed still firmly against his thigh as he continued rutting his hips.

            “Tadashi, don’t…” he grabbed the wrist that was putting pressure on his thigh. “Don’t touch me _there._ ” He pleaded feeling tears well up in the corner of his eyes.

            Tadashi stopped entirely when he heard the pain in his brother’s voice. He began shaking his head furiously, and Hiro felt panicked.

            “No Tadashi it wasn’t the-the… it wasn’t that!” he stammered not being able find the words.

            Tadashi made eye contact with his brother, and when he saw the younger one quickly wiping away tears; a pang of guilt flooded over him.

            “No Tadashi. No. Don’t feel bad please. God. No.” Hiro hurriedly wrapped his arms around his neck. “Tadashi? I… I wasn’t ready.” He whispered, kissing him over and over hating that he was lying to him like this. He hated that he couldn’t just _tell_ him about the cuts— but no, that would just make everything so much worse. Tadashi would never forgive himself if he knew what Hiro was doing to himself.

            “Tadashi? Say something, _please._ ” Hiro pressed his lips to the corner of Tadashi’s lips, before hiding his face into the crook of his neck.

            “I messed up.” Tadashi said finally. “I’m so _sorry_.” His voice was heavy, and he sat still because he was afraid any movement from this point would be a mistake.

            “Tadashi. Don’t be. Please don’t be…” Hiro pleaded, “Hey listen to me. Maybe if you… let me set the pace, we could try again?”

            Tadashi inhaled sharply, not expecting such a proposal. “You want to try again?” he asked sounding confused.

            “Yes. I do.” Hiro assured letting go of his brother. “Go relax… against your head board.”

            Tadashi did as he was instructed to do. When he was comfortable, he watched as Hiro settled into his lap, and even though the fabric of their clothes separated them, Tadashi could still _feel_ Hiro. When the younger one started building a friction between them, he let out a few airy breaths keeping a gentle grip on the younger one’s hips.

            “Tadashi. I want to hear you lose control.” Hiro mumbled against his ear. “Do I make you lose control?”

            Tadashi whimpered, and nodded helpless. “Yeah. Hiro. You make me lose control.” He echoed back.            

            “Yeah?”

            “Uh- _huh._ ” Tadashi moaned, rolling his hips upward to meet Hiro’s thrusts.

            Hiro panted into his brother’s ear as he picked up the pace. When he heard the older one _curse_ under his breath.

            “Tadashi,” he whined, and the other one had to hold back from throwing the younger brother back on to the mattress so he could just _finish_ this.

            “ _Hiro-_ ” He growled, and held on tighter not paying attention to his own strength any longer.

            “Kiss me,” Hiro demanded tilting his head back up to see the heated look in Tadashi’s eyes.

            When their lips smashed together, Hiro let go, and he felt Tadashi do the same. The two of them just falling apart in each other’s arms. They were minimized to nothing but heavy breaths, and hollow laughs.

            “I love you.” Hiro said, finally and the older one nodded still needing a second to catch his breath before saying it back.

            “I love you too, bud.” He replied, his voice sounding lower as tiredness grew over him. He tucked back a strand of hair that was covering Hiro’s eye.

            Hiro eyes had squinted in reflex when Tadashi’s hand brushed over his face, “Tadashi. I… there’s something I need to tell you.” As much as he wanted to hide his face into Tadashi’s broad shoulders, he kept looking on in his eyes wanting to face his confession with no fear.

            “You know you can tell me anything.” Tadashi assured even though he really was nervous about what Hiro wanted to tell him.

            Hiro took a deep breath in as he mentally prepared himself, trying to find the best words to tell him when they heard the familiar creak of footsteps coming up the stairs.

            “Hiro go to your side of the room.” Tadashi hissed, but Hiro had been frozen in fear. Tadashi shoved him (harder than he meant to) and quickly stood up ducking into the bathroom. By the time Aunt Cass had reached the top of the stairs the only thing Hiro had managed to do was scoot to the edge of Tadashi’s bed. At least he had been fully clothed.

            The Aunt gave Hiro a skeptical look. She had woken up to use the bathroom when she heard noises that really couldn’t be confused for anything else, but one thing.

            “Hey Aunt Cass.” Hiro spoke up trying to sound as casual as possible.

            “What’re you doing in Tadashi’s bed, Hiro?” she wondered raising an eyebrow at him.

            “Couldn’t sleep after the concert. Tadashi and I were just talking. Then he had to use the bathroom.” He responded almost robotically.

            “Are you sure? Because I heard…” her voice trailed away, and visibly shuddered in front of him.

            “We were just horse playing. We didn’t mean to wake you. Sorry.” He said doing his best to give her a sympathetic look.

            Tadashi emerged from the bathroom with his shirt back on. “Hey… Aunt Cass. Did we wake you?” he asked doing his best to remain calm.

            “No I was up, and I heard some strange noises. Hiro says you two were horse playing.” She said raising an eyebrow at him skeptically.

            “Yeah… sorry about that.” Tadashi mumbled rubbing the back of his neck.

            “Tadashi, will you join me downstairs for a minute?” she asked, and he nodded.

            Hiro moved to follow, but Tadashi held out his hand. “Stay here.” He mouthed, and then the two of them were gone leaving Hiro with a feeling of dread.

            The younger brother waited approximately no less more than 30 seconds until sneaking over to the stairway. He only goes down two steps before craning his neck down to try to listen in.

            “—Tadashi, you know I want to trust you. I do. I really do. But Hiro has been showing signs of what you went through…” Hiro furrowed his brow as he heard that comment. What had Tadashi gone through that he didn’t know about?

            “Cass—I swear I wouldn’t _do_ that. I swear.” The exasperation in Tadashi’s voice made him cringe. Why was he giving himself away like this? Why did Aunt Cass know of something he did not?

            “Tadashi.” Her voice changed from sympathetic to stern which Hiro had only been all too familiar with. But this was somehow different.

            “I love you. You and Hiro both. I love you boys so much. But you are an adult now. You have to be held accountable if something is going on. And Hiro is _mine_ to watch over. So if I feel that there is something not right, you understand as his caregiver I have to make tough decisions?”

            “I swear Aunt Cass it’s not what you are thinking.” Tadashi pleaded, but he just sounded so desperate Hiro wanted to smack him for giving himself away like that.

            “Tadashi. I need you to listen. I have to think of Hiro’s well-being. Both you boys are keeping secrets from each other, and from me. It’s not healthy. I don’t know what is going on exactly, but I know I can’t allow it to continue. So I need you to move out. I don’t want you to never speak to us again. I just think it is for the best if you can find another place to live. I’ll give you the weekend to pack. But if you’re not gone I am going to have to be forced to do something I really rather not have to do. And I know you don’t want me to do it either.” She informed and Hiro’s heart dropped.

  _No no no no… What was going on why was this happening?_ His mind raced, and his heart dropped when he heard a sob come from Tadashi.

            “I never meant for this to happen,” he mumbled, and Hiro’s whole body shook. Why was his brother just accepting all of this? Aunt Cass had no proof…

            Hiro went back over to his side of the room not wanting to have to think about any of this anymore. He goes on to his computer, and just began to surf the internet for some bot fights. He would sneak out when everything simmered down. And about twenty minutes later he heard Tadashi come back upstairs. He doesn’t even turn to look at him.

            “I don’t understand why you said you never meant for this to happen?” he asked his voice sounding like he had been crying. It was raw, and painful.

            “Why would you say that to her?” he continued in a harsh tone, but when he turned he saw his Aunt also blotchy eyed.

            “He said it because he never meant to confuse you Hiro. He never meant to touch you. He never meant to make you cut yourself. He never meant to make you feel like you needed him as a crutch.” Aunt Cass stayed where she was because she could tell from where Hiro was sitting he was fuming with anger.

            “You’re wrong!” he yelled. “Tadashi didn’t confuse me! He didn’t touch me! He isn’t the reason I cut myself! Why are you doing this?”

            Aunt Cass’s face fell, but she had figured this was going to be Hiro’s reaction. From his perspective, he couldn’t see how brainwashed he had become. She took a deep breath in.

            “I saw him touch you when you were just five years old, Hiro.” She told him. “It’s a learned behavior. Tadashi was sexually abused when he went to that Robotics Camp when he was ten years old. Do you remember when he came back how different he was? It was because of that. He was doing it to you in your sleep Hiro…” her voice trailed away, and Hiro was trembling because he really didn’t know Tadashi had done that to him back then. Nor did he have any idea of what had happened to Tadashi.

            “When I found him doing that. I told him to never ever do it again. He promised he wouldn’t. And I think he did hold that promise for a long time. But this past year I’ve slowly noticed a change in you too, Hiro. A change I saw in him. At first I thought it was solely because of the bullies you had put up with for so long. But then, Tadashi told me that you told him you felt suffocated. I even asked you why you felt like you needed space-” She cleared her throat to try to keep herself composed.

            “I know I did, but that’s just because he was getting on my case about going to college.” Hiro replied, but even he knew that wasn’t the whole truth of it.

            “Tadashi was put in a very hard position when your parents passed away. He was forced to grow up quickly, and his brotherly instinct was to watch over you. And care for you. With that, and the addition what happened to him when he was so young…” she shook her head not wanting to believe it herself. “It really messed him up inside Hiro. And he never meant to mess you up too. I do believe he loves you very much, and would do anything for you. But he also has some very negative traits because of it. He’s very possessive over you, and there’s a difference between protecting someone and possessing them. Do you understand that Hiro?”

            Hiro shook his head. No. He didn’t understand this. He didn’t understand any of it.

            “Tadashi’s moving out by the end of this week.” She told him, and he didn’t even bother to wipe away the tears streaming down his face.

            “He didn’t do anything wrong. He didn’t. You’re wrong, Aunt Cass. He didn’t do anything…” he said starting to begin to understand Tadashi not being able to play cool when she took him downstairs. The boys had an unbreakable bond, and they would say or do anything to protect the other.

            “Tadashi brought up to me about a month ago wanting to be roommates with his friends Wasabi and Fred.” She mentioned. “He deserves a life that doesn’t tie him down to his unhealthy demons, and you deserve the same.”

            Hiro wanted to hate his Aunt. He really did, but what he did next was the opposite of a hateful act. He ran to her and wrapped his arms around her tightly. He sobbed into her shirt.

            “Hiro…” she mumbled in shock.

            “Tadashi is all I have.” He squeezed her tightly, “Please Aunt Cass. I promise we won’t ever do those things… just please don’t make him leave. I need him.” Hiro’s voice was shaking, but he didn’t care. “I can’t lose my brother too.”

            Aunt Cass held him back holding him with just as much strength Hiro was giving her. “I really am sorry, honey.” She mumbled kissing the top of his head. “I promise you, you aren’t _losing_ him… The two of you just need to be planted in different pots so both of you can have room to grow.”

When she used that metaphor Hiro couldn’t help but think it was too late to try and separate the plants. The two boys have already grown so much together that their roots were sewn together. You couldn’t just rip them apart and expect them to be just fine on their own. But Hiro knew it was a losing battle. He carefully unwound himself from his Aunt not having the courage to look up at her.

            He sniffled and turned away from her.  “I guess that’s it then. I don’t get to have a say.” He muttered, and went back to his computer chair.

            He didn’t see that his aunt had opened her mouth to reply, but the words she wanted to say fell short. She just sighed thinking, about she was doing this for him so he could finally have a say it how life turned out. But she knew something like that would not go over well right now.

            “Try to get some sleep, Hiro.” She responded, then went back downstairs without her last hug.

            When she was gone, Hiro pulled out his cellphone, and quickly pulled out his phone to text Tadashi.

            _-She can’t do this-_

_-Hiro it’s for the best-_

_-No please don’t say that-_

_-If I don’t do this, she’ll report me to the authorities-_

_-What does this mean for us? I don’t want to lose what we have.-_

_-I know, me too, but I can’t say for sure what this means.-_

_-Can’t you try? Just tell me nothing will change between us.-_

_-I don’t think I can. Things are going to change.-_

            - _She can’t stop us from being together when I’m eighteen, though.-_

_-Hiro that’s a long time to be apart until then.-_

_-People do it all the time. People stay single and they don’t even have a choice in it. It can’t be that hard, when you know you will have somebody to be with, in just three years. You still have college to focus on, and your career.-_

_-I know Hiro. But what about you? What are you going to focus on?-_

_-So it’s me you’re worried about? Well let me tell you something. I can figure my life out a lot easier if I know I will have you at my side in the end.-_

_-You’ll always have me, but I want you to be okay with Aunt Cass’s decision. She’s looking out for both of us. We should respect her, always.-_

_-I know, I know. I love you, Tadashi…-_

_-I love you too. Try to get some sleep, okay?-_

_-I can’t make any promises. I sleep better when I know you’re up here too.-_

_-Are you laying down?-_

_-Yeah, why?-_

_-Okay, I’ve got my arm around you.-_

_-Are you serious right now, Dashi?-_

_-I’ve got my arm snug against your waist. What are you doing?-_

_-I’m using you as a pillow, this is stupid…-_

_-I’m kissing you good night-_

_-I’m kissing you back-_

_-Good night, Hiro-_

_-…Night-_

Hiro sighed and he scrolled back up to read through their texts. Then he really did close his eyes, and tried to imagine Tadashi’s arm draped over him. He also tried to imagine himself resting his head on the older one’s chest. His last thoughts were about one of the songs they heard earlier at the concert. It reminded him of his and Tadashi’s relationship, and how somehow in a roundabout way assured him that they would make it through this.

 

 _I don't know where you're going_  
But do you got room for one more troubled soul?  
 _I don't know where I'm going_  
 _But I don't think I'm coming home and I said I'll check in tomorrow if I don't wake up dead_  
 _This is the road to ruin_  
 _And we're starting at the end_

            Each lyric sifted through Hiro’s mind and he thought about how much he felt he could relate to each line. The two of them may not where this road lead, or where it would take them exactly; his heart had a certain ache as he thought of Tadashi not being able to come home. Come home to him, but the part that made him feel better was the line that came next.

_Say yeah_   
_Lets be alone together_   
_We could be young forever_   
_Scream it from the top of our lungs, lungs, lungs_

As he laid their attempting to fall into a deeper sleep his mind danced over the past month with Tadashi. Everything from their arguments, to confessing their feelings, to Tadashi breaking his hand, to their last text message, to the song he had stuck in his head now. Nothing seemed to make a whole lot of sense in his mind, and he knew he had a lot of things he needed to talk to Tadashi about still. The fact that Aunt Cass told him about Tadashi being taken advantage of when he was younger, and apparently trying it out on Hiro…

A certain dread soaked over him. Did Tadashi _really_ subconsciously put these feelings Hiro had for him into his mind? Would this never have even happened had Tadashi hadn’t gone through such a traumatic experience? Hiro hugged the pillow he was resting on tighter trying it as his older brother’s heat soaking into him. A thought that always comforted made him feel slightly ill.

Tadashi smashing the mirror wasn’t over school after all. Hiro had an inkling the older brother had been lying to spare his feelings. And Hiro kept thinking about all of it. How he really didn’t ever ask for any of this. He didn’t ask Tadashi to _kiss_ him Christmas Eve under the mistletoe. He didn’t ask for all of these mixed signals. Was their Aunt intervening just hurrying a process that might have come into play later on anyway? His mind was no longer at ease, and he thought about so many things.  How there were multiple ways that he could relieve the pain in his heart. And how that pot he had gotten awhile back wasn’t actually to sell — it really had been to smoke. Hiro had _lied_ to his own brother. But then again, apparently there had been a lot of that going on between the two of them lately.

Hiro wished he could feel numb. He dug his fingers into his pillow. All he wanted was for Tadashi to explain everything. There were just so many things— he wasn’t even sure knew he really knew his older brother much at all. He wanted this to make sense. Except Hiro could only think of the one thing that could give him that immediate gratification he craved. Before he could really think it through, he was swinging his legs off the side of the bed, and fishing through his night stand. He opened a book where he had hidden the source of all the cuts on his thighs. Since promising Aunt Cass that he wouldn’t cut anymore, she had made him hand over his old one. What she didn’t know was that he a second hiding place as a backup. When he was in the bathroom Hiro settled in his usual position in the shower.

When he looked down at his thighs, Hiro’s hand began to tremble. His mind went blank as he made the first cut… going over the very first cut he had ever made. It had looked like a mere chicken scratch then, but now when it would heal again the mark would not be so shallow. As he watched the crimson blood seep down his thigh, he dropped the razor in a panic and when it clattered against the floor, and threated to slip down the drain. Hiro frantically whipped his head around to when he thought he heard Tadashi’s voice telling him to stop.

            “Tadashi?” he called out, standing up quickly to wrap a towel around his waist. When he realized the voice he heard must have been imagined, he pressed his forehead against the wall taking a deep breath in.

            “Thank you.” He whispered, knowing he was crazy for thinking his brother could telepathically tell him to stop harming himself. Tadashi was always able to somehow show up when he was in danger, but whenever he was in his own home was when Hiro was most at risk. He had his eyes closed tightly, and when his feet couldn’t hold himself up anymore he slid down the wall, shivering when the cool tile is pressed against his back.

            “What am I going to do without you?” he asked, but again there was no response.

            Eventually Hiro was able to pull himself together on his own. He was able to redress himself, and drag himself downstairs when it was time for breakfast. When he saw Tadashi there his heart jumped, and he took the spot next to him without hesitation.

            Their Aunt watched the two of them out of the corner of her eye as she continued to flip the bacon on the stove top.

            “Hiro, you going down to the soup kitchen today?” she wondered, “I’ve got some treats ready to be decorated for them, when you’re done with breakfast if you want to do that while I finish setting up the café.”

            “I can help you with that Aunt Cass.” Tadashi offered.

            “No, that’s alright… You have to get packing anyway.” She reminded and the table grew silent once more.

            As she finished up the bacon she set it in front of the boys, then went over to Hiro’s side. “Hey, come down as soon as you’re done with breakfast okay?”

            “I will,” Hiro assured, and she nodded heading back down to the first level to her café.

            Breakfast was silent between the two of them until Tadashi reached for Hiro’s hand under the table. Hiro gave his hand a squeeze, and was more stabbing at his food rather than eating it at this point.           

            “Don’t look so sad, bud.” Tadashi began, but Hiro was only really good at acting when it came to hustling others in bot fights.

            “We’ll figure out a way to see each other, won’t we? Without her knowing…” Hiro mentioned quietly.

            “I think its best we lay low for a little while.” Tadashi answered honestly.  
  
            “How long is a ‘little while’ supposed to be?” Hiro questioned, but the older one just shrugged quietly.

            “Tadashi… I need to be able to see you.” He spoke clearly. “If I don’t I’ll…”

            “Don’t put me in this position.” Tadashi said, suddenly standing up. “She _knows,_ Hiro. It’s not safe for us, it’s not safe for you anyway… I should’ve known better.”  
  
            Hiro pounded his fist on the table. “You _can’t_ d-do this! You can’t just _make_ me fall for you, and then not even try…”

            “Hiro… did you even hear that sentence?” Tadashi asked stubbornly. “If that’s how you really feel. If you really feel that I forced these feelings on you, and you know what, you are probably right… But that makes all of this much _worse_.”

            “Tadashi-” he stood up too, and reached for his brother but he took a step back.

            “Hiro. Aunt Cass is right… We have to end this.” Tadashi spoke up, finally saying the words Hiro feared he would say.

            “No!” Hiro shouted in protest. “You told me to not put you in this position… but what about all the positions you put _me_ in! You can’t just leave me behind. I need you. That’s what you wanted right? You wanted me to need you? Well here I am. Without a single friend, but you… What’s awful is that I know you are really good for me. You keep me in check, and you love so unconditionally… It’s not _fair_ that you get to decide everything!”

            “Hiro… I’ve seen how you react to me. How you get scared when I am all in your space. Which is how you should feel. Because it’s not right! I’m not right up here…” Tadashi tugged at his hair in frustration, “Yesterday when I was on top of you… you weren’t enjoying it at all. I could sense how uncomfortable I made you.”

            Hiro shook his head, “You’re wrong. I was enjoying it. I was just nervous? Tadashi don’t make last night into something it wasn’t. It was wonderful.” He said, knowing that it at least _would have_ been that way had Aunt Cass not intervened at the end.

            “I think we owe it to ourselves to try to move on from each other. I especially think you owe it to yourself, Hiro.” Tadashi spoke up, and when Hiro ran at him to hug him he didn’t back away this time.

            “You’re being such a _jerk_.” Hiro mumbled, and the older one held him back because he knew this was going to be their last hug they shared for a while.

            “I am sorry. I really am.” Tadashi kissed atop Hiro’s bed head, because this was the last thing he wanted. But he had to make Hiro believe that this was for the best. He had to _at least_ do that for him.

           The younger brother finally turned cold. He tugged away from the hug he initiated, and turned away from Tadashi.

           “Whatever. Thanks for you know, not giving up on me.” Hiro shot back sarcastically, before heading downstairs to meet his Aunt Cass in the café.

           When Hiro returned later that evening, he found that all of Tadashi’s belongings were gone including his bed, and the divider that separated their rooms apart. His heart dropped when he saw how empty the corner of the room was. Hiro walked over to that side, and saw he had left one thing behind on his shelf. His baseball cap from SFIT. Of course, his last message for Hiro was, ‘ _Apply to college’._

          The younger one _tsh’d_ , and shook his head when the noise echoed against the empty walls. It wasn’t until that moment that Hiro found out what it really felt like to be alone. He didn’t have a bot to fight with, nor did he have the money to gamble with anyway. All he really had was time to think. So he chose to use that time to go into their lab that was set up in the garage. Hiro didn’t like to dwell on his feelings, he liked to block things out with projects and bot fights. Since he wasn’t going to get much sleep anyway, he used his time to expand on his latest project— microbots.

          He worked tirelessly for weeks on his own, and there were many times he had the urge to turn to Tadashi and ask him for his advice. Except every time he checked he still wouldn’t be there. Hiro knew he could try to text to him, but he was too stubborn. Well, mostly he was afraid. Afraid of being even further rejected. Somehow with Tadashi gone he felt like he had something he needed to prove to himself. That he could make it on his own. But even then, as he got closer and closer to finishing his microbots a certain song continued to play on repeat in his mind:

_I don't know where you're going_   
_But do you got room for one more troubled soul?_   
_I don't know where I'm going_   
_But I don't think I'm coming home and I said_   
_I'll check in tomorrow if I don't wake up dead_   
_This is the road to ruin_   
_And we're starting at the end_


	12. Bea & Max

**Chapter 12//** Bea & Max

                Weeks turned into months. Two months to be exact. Hiro’s birthday was a week away. Not a single word from Tadashi. Hiro couldn’t even be angry with his aunt, who insisted that this was not what she wanted. She didn’t want Tadashi to just up and stop all contact. But what really made him feel for her was the night he walked into the kitchen, and saw her crying at the table. At least she had Mochi to comfort her, but no matter how much pride Hiro wanted to have, he couldn’t just silently walk past like he did every other day for the past several weeks. It was time for him to grow up. When he took a seat next to his Aunt at the table she quickly wiped her eyes.

                “Oh Hiro. I-I am okay. I just… dinner will be ready shortly.” She hiccupped, and Hiro reached out resting his hand a top of hers.

                “Aunt Cass. I’m sorry.” Hiro said doing his best not to cry with her. “I’m sorry I’m so stubborn, and cold to you. I just— all of this is _so_ hard.”

                She wrapped her arms around him, and nodded telling him softly that she knew.

                “Tadashi turned off his phone,” his aunt mumbled. “And his friends haven’t seen him at school for a month now. I reported him missing, but they said there wasn’t much they could do. Since I did ask him to leave, and he is an adult.”

                “Why would he do this?” Hiro asked fuming, “I don’t care if things were… _complicated_. He is still my brother. He’s still your nephew… He shouldn’t have disappeared without at least warning us.”

                His Aunt sat up once again, and sighed. “Maybe he just needs time to clear his head. Try not to be too angry with him… He just wants what’s best for you. I knew he did all along. And you know, I did this because I also need to do what’s best for you. I know it’s confusing when two people want the very best for you, but it ends up like this.” She still couldn’t outright call Hiro a victim, or Tadashi an abuser. It was not in her nature to sugar coat things, but this was all still such a fresh wound, for all of them.

                Hiro was silent, because he knew what his Aunt meant regardless. And she was absolutely right. It was confusing. _Really_ confusing. He spent his whole life idolizing Tadashi. Thinking every single thing he did was okay, and he hated himself for starting to think otherwise. But was it really all his fault for starting to turn on the older one? He did just _abandon_ him after all. Anyone would start to have second thoughts if they were just left to figure it out for themselves.

                “I don’t want to keep seeing that therapist.” Hiro mentioned finally having the guts to bring it up. “He told me up front that he’s obligated to report certain issues, and I’m not going to do that to my brother.”

                His Aunt frowned, but she didn’t argue right away. Hiro was talking to her about how he felt, and she respected that. “You don’t have to say who, if you don’t want to. But I do think you need to _talk_ to someone.”

                Hiro shook his head more frantically. “I’m not ready.” The words slipped out, and he felt his face heat up. “Please, Aunt Cass. I’ll do all the other things you want me to do. Volunteering, take my meds, I’ll even go to school. Just… I don’t want to talk to a _stranger_ of all people.”

                His Aunt was tempted to keep pushing for him to continue to see the therapist, but this conversation right here was progress. Hiro had been giving her the silent treatment ever since Tadashi had left. She knew he was listening whenever she spoke, but it might as well been like talking to a wall.

                “You still have to go,” she told him bluntly, “but it’s your choice whether or not you want to talk about certain things. I want the option there just in case you ever do become ready.”

                Hiro inhaled sharply, but he nodded because at least she was accepting that he had a choice about whether or not he wanted to say anything. Lately, he felt like he had very little choice in any aspect of his life.

                “You will tell me though right? If you see Tadashi… or talk to him at all?” Hiro asked quietly.

                “Of course, Hiro.” She assured rubbing his shoulder, and he nodded slowly.

                After their late dinner, Hiro went upstairs to ready himself for bed. It had been quite a long day honestly. He volunteered like always, but he was also spending his time trying out his microbots. There was a loading dock just a few blocks away where he tested the limits, and pushed the boundaries of his new invention. He’d been making a surprising amount of progress. Mastering the neurotransmitter was the most difficult part, but once it clicked the rest was easy.

                Hiro stripped down to slip into the shower, when he glanced at the new mirror his Aunt had put up a few days ago. He inhaled sharply when he saw the fresh slash marks on his bicep. Fifty-eight incisions neatly tallied in his inner arm. Hiro was much more careful now, after having to stitch up his own thigh with one cut that had gone too deep. He cleaned his cuts now, and he limited himself to _one_ each day. One for every day he had to go without seeing Tadashi. He knew it was morbid. He knew that this would never _solve_ anything. He _knew_ that. But what no one else would ever understand is that he felt in _control._ He never got to decide anything worth real value. Everything always got decided for him. Such as Tadashi leaving his life, having to see a therapist, volunteering to keep himself out of trouble, no longer being able to bot fight, hell, even going back to school was just to make to his Aunt feel better. Hiro had only two things for himself as of this moment. Cutting and his microbots. That’s it. And to be perfectly honest, he was _okay_ with that.

                As the fifty-ninth cut was made, Hiro remained calm by the sight of blood. He knew exactly how much pressure, and how long to make each mark that made clean up easiest. His cuts were just as well practiced as a surgeon at this point. However, after the deed was done, Hiro felt even more depressed. It wasn’t exactly the cutting that depressed him. It was the number. _Fifty-nine_ days without Tadashi. His stomach felt nauseous as that number sunk in. Tears leaked from the corner of his eyes, and he wiped them away furiously.

                Hiro pulled out his phone, and looked at the draft he had saved a week after Tadashi left.

                _-I forgive you-_

                Hiro cried harder as he read those words, because it was still true, even after two months of no sign of his brother, he still forgave him. He still loved him with everything he had. Hiro feared the day he would erase the draft from his phone, but for now he just tucked it away. It wasn’t every day he was _this_ emotional about Tadashi being gone. He figured today was especially difficult because he had just seen his Aunt all torn apart. Most days he would make the mark, browse the internet blindly, and then eventually fall asleep. This day hardly felt any different, except for the little plastic bag he had in his pocket. It had been there for a few days now, but he hadn’t had the guts to smoke it until now. He opened his bedroom window, and crawled on to the roof now that it was dark enough that his tiny body would mostly just blend in with the house.

                He pulled out a bong, and played around with the lighter catching on relatively fast on the amount of pressure his thumb needed to have to ignite the flame. There was plenty of coughing, and a surprising amount of snot leaking from his nose, but he didn’t care since no one else was around anyway. He just used his sleeve to wipe it away. His throat was raw, and it felt like he had just thrown up, but as the high settled in he found himself caring less about that.

                He laid back on the roof, tucking both of his arms under his head, and stared up the dark clouds masking the stars.

                “We used to lay out here.” Hiro mumbled to himself. “In the summer… we used to talk about robots for _hours._ ” He laughed to himself because he was talking to literally no one. Well, it was _supposed_ to be Tadashi.

                “What changed?” he asked after a long period of silence. And even though his left arm pained him from all the cuts, it itched like hell, the high took care of that. It just made him feel so god-damn relaxed. Like… everything was the way it was supposed to be.

                “So we’re fucked up,” Hiro kept on rambling, “who _cares_?” he questioned.

                “Like seriously— Tadashi why do you care so much? I don’t care that you were raped. I mean I do care. It makes me sad, honestly it does, but I don’t care that you used me to feel better about it…” he shook his head, knowing Tadashi would never listen to him if he actually was hearing this right now. Well sure he would _hear_ it, but he wouldn’t accept it. Not like Hiro did.

                “I know now that I was all you had to cope with the pain. Just like you were all I had. I know you didn’t mean for it us to fall…” he tsh’d to himself, “Fuck it. We fell in love with each other. It happened. So what? We could’ve… _waited_ … We could have… just… waited.” Hiro felt like he had all the patience in the world right now. He had fifty-nine days under his belt without Tadashi. And whether he was back tomorrow, or day 1,000 when his body no longer had room to count… Hiro would still just patiently _wait._ And that would be his choice. No one could take that from him, not even Tadashi.

                When Hiro goes back inside his bedroom, he felt he would be able to fall asleep much better now that his mind was more at ease. Under his closed eyelids projected images of Tadashi. Memories whether they were false or true, or somewhere in between came into focus. A five year old Hiro curling into Tadashi in his sleep, was he asleep? Or was he in that state where he was waking up? It was a _now_ familiar sensation. Tadashi touching him in his sleep… how often did he do it after that day? Aunt Cass said she believed he stopped for a while. But was she right? What all had he done to Hiro exactly… Hiro had always assumed the wet dreams he had for Tadashi was his _own_ mind playing tricks on him. That it had very _little_ to do with Tadashi. However, based off what his Aunt was telling him that might not be so true after all. Hiro wanted to tell himself that made no difference, but in all honesty. In brutal, harsh truths. It made _all_ the difference. Hiro if he was anything, he was stubborn. Facing a new reality was not something his mind was all that welcoming too. He didn’t want his Aunt to be right. Even if he _accepted_ she was right— He still didn’t want his feelings to change for Tadashi. He still _wanted_ to love him. Or at least… he didn’t want to lose him.

                Hiro rolled over so he was laying on his stomach, beginning to feel more distressed as the night went on. As much as he _tried_ to block it out— he was remembering his last wet dream where Tadashi woke him. It was so god damn _vivid._ Unrealistically vivid. He knew dreams could feel real when they were happening.  Was it possible that Tadashi _touching_ him was what made the last one so vivid? Hiro had come _hard_ when by the time woke him. Like, someone had been encouraging it… touching him for real… Hiro felt his eyes burn with tears. He was no longer sleeping. He was so sick and tired of all the tears.

                He shoved his hand down his pajama pants, and stroked feverishly. But as he got off, his eyebrows furrowed at the images flashing in his mind. He was thinking about Tadashi touching him unknowingly. He was thinking of the bruise he left in his sleep the night he went to sleep on the couch— they really shouldn’t be turn-ons should they? Someone touching you without consent? Even if it was Tadashi… He stopped stroking himself, and even though he was still hard he wanted to try thinking about other things… A girl perhaps? He tried to picture any girl he has ever seen that he even found just remotely attractive. It was working, but only perhaps because it had started with thoughts of his brother. And then, when he was getting closer to the edge, the image he painted of a girl was pushed out of his mind, and Tadashi reentered. This time it was Christmas Eve, and his brother was reeling him back under the mistletoe. Hiro remembered how his heart initially _ached_. Was that the feeling of longing, or was it… _dread_? Did he not know the difference between the two? Was there even a difference?

                “Tadashi what are you doing to me?” he whined helplessly into the sheets. And then, he thought of when _he_ left marks on his older brother, when they were in the garage. All the kisses they exchanged. That felt real. He couldn’t bring himself to try to twist that into something bad. That moment he shared with Tadashi was something he really did cherish; whether he wanted to or not.        

Then, his mind went on to the night of the concert. The night before he was gone from his life. Tadashi broke his _own_ rule. He didn’t even ask Hiro if he wanted to go that far. Tadashi had a point the very last time they spoke to each other. He did _scare_ him, maybe not deathly afraid. But Hiro knew deep down it wasn’t just the pain his cuts had radiated that made him clam up in that moment.

                Imagining Tadashi on top of him creating that friction was what drove Hiro to spill into his hand, but it wasn’t _satisfying._ It was terrible. He felt _bad._ Like, Tadashi left him, and he still was _fucking_ into his hand over him. It wasn’t fair. Hiro knew if he was just here with him, it wouldn’t feel this bad. And that’s what killed him. It was the separation that drove Hiro to hate his brother. That’s what drove him to think everything he did was so terrible. But if he was just _here_. All of those terrible feelings would dissipate instantly.

                Tadashi _was_ good for him, damn it. He didn’t care what his Aunt thought. He didn’t care what _Tadashi_ felt inside. He wasn’t the monster he was making himself out to be. Even when he did things that were out of Hiro’s comfort zone, his brother was the most considerate loveable older brother he could possibly be. And that made Hiro feel _safe._ He could tell his brother _no_ , and he would listen. Tadashi wasn’t a monster. He didn’t believe it for a second.

                It was so _damn_ conflicting. Hiro was _okay_ with his brother using him, but it was just the point where he was done using him that hurt. Hiro shook his head trying his best not to think of it that way. Tadashi wasn’t trying to use him. He didn’t want to abandon Hiro. He was just as scared and confused as Hiro was. That’s why Hiro forgave him. Sure, Tadashi was an adult, and was more accountable for his actions than Hiro was. But, that didn’t mean he never felt lost or confused… Hiro hated that his brother was just gone, because all he wanted was to be able to hold him, and tell him that he didn’t have to be alone. They were supposed to be in this together; Tadashi had promised him that.

                The next day rolled around, and Hiro was helping once again at the soup kitchen. The other volunteers did their best to try and lift his spirits, but he continued to dragthrough the day like he had shackles chained at his feet. He put on a smile when he saw Max with his megabot. The fact he was around less often, and looked better well fed was what put the smile on his face. Hiro wished he could help more than just giving him a decent Christmas present, but he supposed maybe coming here was doing more.

                “That’s him right there!” Max exclaimed pointing right at Hiro.

                “Hm?” Hiro looked up to see he was laying eyes on a vaguely familiar face.

                “You gave this kid your robot?” the girl asked, squinting at him as if she was trying to scan him for his DNA coding.

                “Ah- yeah. I am a retired bot fighter now. Do I know you? I didn’t hustle you in a bot fight did I?” he guessed, with a nervous smile. He stared at her curiously, still trying to figure out _why_ she was so familiar.

                “Actually, you saved me from some creep a while back… Or your little robot thing did.” She pointed to it with a half-smile.

                “Oh! I remember now! Yeah… I just, couldn’t let him get away with that, you know? And since I’m so small… I used my megabot to get him off your case.” Hiro explained trying to make it like it was no big deal.

                “Mm. Well when I saw this kid with it… I dunno, I just couldn’t ignore it, you know?” she mentioned with a shrug.

                “Yeah… I guess… So, you’re okay?” he inquired.

                “Yeah, I’m okay.” She replied.

                Hiro blinked when he realized he didn’t even ask for her name, “Uh— I’m Hiro. Hiro Hamada.” He introduced when he wasn’t sure what else to say.

                “Name’s Bea.” She spoke outstretching her hand, and instead of shaking it, Hiro awkwardly made the gesture into a fist bump.

                “Cute.” She joked, looking down at Max. “I hope you use your robot to help out pretty girls like he did.” She ruffled his hair, then took the soup Hiro had offered her before walking away.

                “Girls have cooties though.” Max muttered to Hiro once she was gone, and Hiro shrugged in response with a little smile on his face.

                When all the soup was passed out, Hiro glanced out the window not realizing he zoned out.

                “Hey Hiro, we’ve got it from here if you want to head out for the day.”

                Hiro nodded, his eyes focused on someone passing by the window outside. He noticed a bandaged hand, and ruffled up black hair. Hiro squinted for a second thinking it was Tadashi, but the scruffy facial hair made him think it was impossible. But since he was dismissed, he decided to investigate. He quickly grabbed his things, and went out into the direction he saw the person go off in, but it was difficult to know for sure which way he had turned, or if he went straight. Hiro searched for about an hour, before giving up. Just a little over two months, it was entirely possible for Tadashi to have stubble now, and it was the same hand he had punched the mirror with that was bandaged. The long coat he was wearing he didn’t recognize, but Tadashi could have gotten a new coat since then… Hiro sighed, wishing he had just ran outside the second he laid eyes on him just so he wouldn’t have to wonder so much. His heart dropped when he took in his new surroundings. He had ran down so many alleys, and made so many turns he found himself in an unfamiliar area.

                “Tadashi where’d you go?” he mumbled his eyes focusing on a flickering street lamp. He flinched when it burned out, leaving him in the dark. He pulled his phone from his pocket, and leaned against a building to try to blend in as he heard shouting off in the distance. He knew he was in a rough part of the neighborhood, but since he didn’t know exactly where he was he used his GPS to figure out how to get home. Nearly an hour walking distance, but that time could be cut in half with his microbots. He unzipped his backpack, and fished out his neuro-transmitter, ignoring the microbots that spilled out. They would recollect momentarily anyway. This was the first time Hiro had placed the neurotransmitter on his head when he wasn’t in a completely secluded area.

                “Hey you guys hear that?” somebody called out, and Hiro wasted no time to make his escape.

                _Take me to the roof._

When he had his footing, Hiro went from building to building using his Microbots to build bridges to guide him along the way. As he made his way home, and looked down at everyone from down below he thought about how there must be some way to find Tadashi in the sea of people. After seeing him today… He was now certain of that fact. When he finally got home he didn’t hesitate to share this news with his Aunt.

                “I think I saw Tadashi today,” he told her over dinner.

                “You think?” she inquired sounding puzzled by the uncertainty.

                “Yeah well, he was passing by the soup kitchen… I saw him through window. I went after him, but I lost track of him.” Hiro explained.

                “And you were sure it was him?” his aunt wondered, and Hiro shrugged.

                “I mean, I am pretty sure, but it was only for a brief second…” he mumbled not sounding so confident anymore.

                “I don’t think it’s the best idea to go after him when you are by yourself.” His Aunt brought up.

                Hiro set down his fork rather abruptly. “He’s not dangerous Aunt Cass!” he raised his voice at her, and he felt bad when he saw the look in her eye. “I’m sorry. But he’s… he would _never_ hurt me.”

                “Hiro, I didn’t mean it like that.” She responded, “But we don’t know what he’s been up to since he’s gone. Please, don’t approach him if you see him again. Let him come to us when he’s ready.”

                Hiro crossed his arms, and shoved his plate away feeling frustrated. “I’m gonna head to bed.” He muttered, then made his way upstairs.

                Ending the night on bad terms with his Aunt was not the most ideal. He figured it was at least a little bit better to be passively angry at her, then to completely blow up at her like he almost had. Maybe he was taking an issue that was out of her control out, and blaming her more than he should be. He made a mental note to himself to make it up to her tomorrow. Even though he was upset with her for having Tadashi move out, he couldn’t deny her reason was justified.

                Today was Day 60 with no word from Tadashi, and like every day he went to pull out his razor from the book tucked away in his drawer. Except this time he paused.

                _I saw him_ — Hiro thought closing the drawer with more force than he intended. He could feel his muscles tighten in distress as his heart rate increased. He ran his fingers through his hair as his mind raced.

_I saw him today… That has to mean something._


	13. Graduation

**Chapter 13//** Graduation

                Graduating a year later than your brother, but being five years apart was definitely unusual. Hiro was more than just unusual for a thirteen year old boy. He was brilliant. A person so young understood things about the world, that most middle aged adults struggled with on a day to day basis. Hiro’s comprehension was not just advanced, it was limitless. He was not just capable of understanding things at a higher level, he was also able to create, and evolve the world into so much more.

                Tadashi couldn’t be more proud of his younger brother. His first year of college was just ending, and now Hiro was about to graduate high school. The older one was thrilled to have his brother start attending SFIT in the fall with him. He had done a lot of raving about his younger brother there, and all his friends were pretty stoked to meet this boy genius.

                Hiro was pretty excited to attend SFIT as well with Tadashi. They spent a good portion of the year bouncing around ideas, and how much easier it would be to see them through once the two of them both started attending. Mochi needed an upgrade on her rocket shoes, and Hiro had been trying to convince his brother for months now that they just _had_ to make a robot that was programmed to know karate.

                “We’ll see Hiro, you have to get in first, remember.” He reminded a week before his graduation.

                “I know, I know. I just gotta think of something awesome for the showcase.” Hiro said, sucking in his breath to hold back from saying he still hadn’t thought anything. At least he still had plenty of time to figure it out.

                Tadashi grinned when he noticed the younger brother’s expression. “You have nothing to worry about! Wasabi, Gogo, Honey Lemon, and Fred all have said they were all more than willing to help out once you thought of something. I know it’s gonna be great, so don’t be afraid to think big because you have a whole team behind you to back you up.” He assured Hiro, who smiled back happy to have such support from his brother.

                Hiro’s week was filled with finishing up research papers for three different AP classes, doing some last minute studying for tests, and lots of stress eating from Aunt Cass’s café. Sure, school had practically been a cake walk for Hiro, but now that he was finally going to move on to college he started to become extremely anxious. This year had been the easiest as far as not having to deal with any bullies. In fact, a lot of the other seniors thought he was pretty cool. Sure, he was called things like “Doogie Howser” and “Jimmy Neutron”, but Hiro didn’t mind. He had been called much, much worse after all.

                On the night before Hiro’s graduation, Tadashi realized he still hadn’t gotten his little brother anything. He smiled fondly when he remembered the gift Hiro had gotten for his graduation last year. Well, actually, he made it. A crumpled up piece of paper, which he used his sling shot to fling at him. Tadashi opened up the piece of paper, and inside was a small metallic _something_. He remembered disregarding it at first to read the note that said “Congrats Nerd”, wearing a similar smile then to as he was right now. He remembered turning to Hiro after a minute holding up the small object that had been wrapped inside.

                “What’s this supposed to be?” he wondered half amused.

                “It’s a magnet.” Hiro told him quirking an eyebrow at him.

                Tadashi hm’d interestedly, as he attempted sticking it to a few metal things in his area. First a desk, then his key ring, a filing cabinet.

                “Are you sure it’s a magnet, bro? It’s not sticking to anything. And what’s with this weird crescent shape going on here?”

                Hiro’s face heated up seemingly embarrassed, “If you don’t like it you can give it back.”

                “No, no. I am keeping it. I’ll figure out what it sticks to alright?” he assured. It wasn’t the first time Hiro had given him some sort of puzzle that he wanted him to figure out. The last one involved a bunch of symbols that Tadashi eventually cracked the code— Hiro had hid his actual gift in between the couch cushions in the garage. A nine-year old Hiro, had built Tadashi his version of a transformer. Using one of his old toy cars, he made it into a robot that could also be an usb port, and a device Tadashi could listen to his music on. Hiro had made his own mp3 player all on his own, and out of a hot wheel of all things. So whatever this weirdly lopsided magnet that wasn’t attracted to metal, Tadashi knew what ever its real function was it was something much greater than hanging a postcard to a refrigerator. So, of course he was going to keep it.

                As he recalled the gift, he couldn’t help but furrow his brows together. That was still one mystery Tadashi was still not able to solve quite yet. The supposed magnet was over on his side of the room in his top dresser drawer. He took it out from time to time hoping he would figure it out, but everything he stuck it to… the thing always fell. He wondered if Hiro knew that the older one still had not figured it out. He had never approached Tadashi about it, so eventually the priority of figuring it out faded away from him. However, on a day like today, when Tadashi had to think of something to give to his brother. Remembering that he still had not known what Hiro had given him made him worry even more so that he didn’t know his brother as well as he had thought.

                Things Tadashi knew without a doubt about his younger brother: he was incredibly smart. Smarter than Tadashi in ways. He was really into bot fighting competitions. Building robots is how he spent practically all of his free time. He knew he struggled making friends, and considered Tadashi to be his only friend. No matter how hard Tadashi pushed for him to become more social at school, Hiro always brushed him off. But what else did he know? Sure he knew his favorite movie, favorite color, and things like _that_. But beyond that, what were Hiro’s hopes, or dreams for the future? What did he spend his time thinking about when he wasn’t thinking about robots…? He knew the younger one wouldn’t care to admit it much, but Tadashi could tell that Hiro looked up to him. Hiro liked to follow him around a lot in his younger years, which eventually turned into them spending hours starting new projects together.

                Through all that time their Aunt Cass has been supportively trying out all their new robots that were supposed to aid her with chores, but often ended up becoming a hindrance of some kind. When Hiro was about seven years old, Tadashi helped the younger brother build a device that would clean the bathroom all on its own. Unfortunately, the bot didn’t know its own strength, and ended up tearing off the faucet to the sink in the middle of polishing it spotless. 

                It’s been just about a year since Tadashi had graduated high school, and the fact he still didn’t know the _purpose_ of the magnet Hiro gave him made him feel like there was a whole part of Hiro he still had yet to try to understand. Even after everything they’ve been through he felt like a failure because Hiro really had stumped him on this one.

                Eventually Tadashi dragged himself into their nerd lab located in the garage; deciding he was going to make something for Hiro as his graduation gift. Hiro had been making Tadashi gifts ever since the age of five. Tadashi has returned the favor in the past, but it wasn’t nearly as often as Hiro did for him.

                He brought the so-called magnet down with him for inspiration. Except his mind seemed to wander aimlessly instead of focus on the task he had set for himself. Days pass, and Tadashi had scrapped every idea that had come to mind. Hiro’s graduation was in less than seventy two hours, and the older brother was oh-so tempted to take the easy way out and just _buy_ something he know he’d like. Except when the older brother was really set on one thing, the easy route was no longer an option.

                One day before graduation and Tadashi wanted to slam his head down against the desk. Hiro was his brother for god sake… it shouldn’t be this hard to think of an idea.

                Could it possibly be— _Electromagnetic?_ It had to be. Tadashi fished out the crescent shaped scrap of metal, and snapped his fingers together when it all clicked. He finally knew what the puzzle was. He couldn’t quite grasp it before because it was not _finished._ Hiro wanted Tadashi to finish it.

                “Hiro, you’re going to be the death of me.” He mumbled to himself, once he was about half way through. Luckily everything he needed he was able to scrounge around their lab, and find it. When it was all finished Tadashi wore a proud smile on his face. His reward was a nap on the red couch they had stashed down there. Today was Hiro’s last day of school, and tomorrow they would hold a ceremony at the school. Tadashi decided he would give him his gift after that.

                The older one was awoken by the loud roar of the garage door being opened. He snapped himself upright since he hadn’t expected to be startled away. He smiled though, when he saw it was his little brother entering the garage.

                “Hey Hiro, excited for your big day tomorrow?” Tadashi asked, but then Hiro was eerily silent. Not even a “Hey Tadashi” or “What are you doing down here?”

                Tadashi sprang to his feet when he noticed Hiro turning away from him as the garage closed. He noticed the younger one was wearing his hood over his head which wasn’t something he normally saw him do.

                “What’s going on?” Tadashi pressed, but Hiro just shook his head.

                “It’s nothing. I didn’t think you’d be in here.” He responded, his voice sounding very unlike himself.

                Tadashi closed the distance between them, and turned Hiro around so he could look at him. His heart dropped when he saw the bruises on his face.

                “Who did that to you?” Tadashi snapped anger rising inside him instantly.

                “Some seniors. They’re just jealous. Whatever it’s not a big deal.” Hiro mumbled wrapping his arms around his stomach.

                “It’s a _huge_ deal, Hiro! Why didn’t you call me or call the police or Aunt Cass?” Tadashi wondered, but he could tell the younger one was shutting him out. He knew he had to calm down, for Hiro’s sake. He inhaled sharply, then went down on one knee.

                “Hiro. Did they take your phone too?” he asked gently, and Hiro nodded.

                “They broke it right in front of me. They stole my shoes, my backpack. They all wore masks… There was four of them. And they said they were going to kill me. I was able to hold one guy off, but the rest of them were too quick.” Hiro buried his head into Tadashi’s shoulder, and the older one rubbed his back gently. His stomach turning when his younger brother winced at his touch.

                “What else did they do, Hiro?” Tadashi questioned, and Hiro shook his head.

                “They wailed on me. Called me names like faggot… and said I was nothing. They told me all I will ever be was a shadow of you—”Hiro’s voice cut off when their Aunt entered the garage. Tadashi did all the explaining, and Tadashi sat with his brother until the police arrived. Hiro recounted what just happened the best he could, and then they had to take pictures. Tadashi watched from a few feet away, and winced at all the scrapes and bruises. It wasn’t until then he really took in how it went down.

                _They threw me against a wall_

His palms all scraped up, and the left side of his cheek was also evidence of that.

                _They took turns punching and kicking at me, and the other one burned my arm with his cigarette_

Tadashi felt a blind rage when the police officer took a picture of his arm. He was going to find out who these sons of bitches were and kill them all… Well, he wouldn’t do that, but god damn it he _wanted_ to. He wanted these assholes to burn for what they did to Hiro.

                There was a lot of hugs and tears passed after dinner. Aunt Cass had ordered in, because she was too busy fussing over Hiro to cook. Tadashi and Hiro didn’t go up into their bedroom until well past midnight.

                “Try to get some sleep, alright?” Tadashi spoke ruffling his younger brother’s hair affectionately.

                Hiro shoved his hand away looking frightened, and that broke Tadashi’s heart.

                “I’m sorry.” Hiro mumbled not meaning to react that way. “I’ll try.”

                Tadashi nodded, reluctantly trailed over to his side of the room. Behind his divider Tadashi stripped down to his boxers since it was a rather hot night out, then slipped under his covers only to lay wide awake. He listened intently hoping that he would hear snoring, but it was dead quiet. After thirty minutes Tadashi was tempted to actually get up and check on him.

                “Dashi you awake?” he heard Hiro mumble out into the stillness.

                “Yeah.” He answered just loud enough for Hiro to hear.

                “Could I come lay in your bed?” he asked, and after Tadashi approved the older one heard his divider being pulled back.

                “I don’t ever want to go back to school.” Hiro told him with a sniffle. “People aren’t ever going to like me.”

                “Hiro. That’s not true. Those guys were assholes— don’t let them get into your head like that.” Tadashi mumbled back, but Hiro was curling into his brother and shaking his head frantically.

                The older one couldn’t take it. He had to _do_ something. He had to let this out. He had to… he had to help Hiro cope with this somehow. Tadashi turned so he was facing Hiro. He pulled up the boy’s shirt over his head, and tried to help his arms through, but Hiro kept still out of shock. His older brother hadn’t ever undressed him before.

                “What are you doing?” Hiro asked.

                “I’m just looking at what they did to you…” Tadashi told him, the younger one still not wriggling out of his shirt all the way. He just continued lying still.

                “I’ll be okay.” Hiro assured, but he didn’t sound very convincing. “The bruises will heal in a few weeks.”

                “You’re letting them inside your head.” Tadashi repeated, and Hiro said nothing in response.

                It had been so long since Tadashi had done something _bad_ to Hiro. Ever since Aunt Cass caught him when he had come back from camp, he remembered her words, and that kept him grounded for the most part. Except now, he was lightly tracing his fingers over the smaller one’s hips moving them up to his ribcage. His touch was gentle in contrast to what Hiro had endured earlier.

                “Let me inside your head instead.” Tadashi breathed against Hiro’s ear, and the younger one nodded quietly. With his silent permission, Tadashi laid gentle kisses on top of his bruises, and scrapes. Starting with the ones on his face, then his lips trailed down pausing at his collarbone.

                “Kissing it better only worked when I was like, five, Tadashi.” Hiro laughed, and the older one laughed too… but it was only brief. He kept going. Except now he was sucking, his teeth latched onto the skin of his collar bone. Hiro audibly gasped.

                “Tadashi?” he called out, and the older one didn’t stop. He left more bruises, until he was kissing lightly at his hip bone. His hands that were firmly holding onto his sides were tempted to go for the tent pitched underneath Hiro’s pajamas.

                “ _My bruises... will protect you from these bruises. They’ll protect to you from the hurt you feel inside. I’m always with you Hiro.” Tadashi spoke calmly, then moved back up so he could press his lips to Hiro’s for a brief moment._

The younger one hid himself into Tadashi’s side when the older one snaked his hand down in his pants. He held onto Tadashi tightly, and the older one tried not to think about the hot tears he felt on his side. He also tried not to think about that he had made his brother hard by all the kisses, and hickies he had placed on his body. He also tried to not think about how he was the exact same way. He just wanted to take care of Hiro. He just wanted him to end his night feeling something other than pain… he wanted to help him feel good inside.

                The two of them had never been intimate before while Hiro was actually awake, so Tadashi couldn’t imagine the whirlwind of thoughts going through his brother’s mind as he clung on to his midsection. But he tried his damn best to play it off as a brotherly interaction. That he was just looking out for him. After that day the two of them never spoke about how their night had ended. Not even to each other.

                When the next day rolled around, Hiro’s graduation had a bitter sweet vibe. The bitter, of course was the fact he had to go to school for everyone to see how beaten up he was. The sweet part, Hiro wasn’t even expecting to happen. Him and Tadashi were just in their nerd lab, snacking on food that Aunt Cass made for his graduation. When Tadashi remembered he still had to give Hiro his graduation present.

                “Hey. So… I don’t know if this counts as a graduation gift, but I finally figured out the gift you gave to me when I graduated.” Tadashi told him.

                Hiro perked up, “Let’s see it!” He insisted, and Tadashi nodded fishing the piece out from his pocket.

                “Catch!” he called out, and with the flick of his wrist, the crescent shape was now linked with an identical crescent shape left his hand. It danced in the air like a helicopter falling from a maple tree. Hiro caught it in his hands, and watched as the magnet clung to itself into a shape of a heart.

                A little smile formed on his face, “Well I didn’t exactly think you’d make it into a heart.” Hiro responded, but in all honesty he liked what Tadashi did with it much better.

                “Well I only had a day.” Tadashi mumbled to himself, but when he noticed Hiro smiling, he caught its disease and smiled right back at him.

                “Here,” Hiro snapped the helicopter in half, and tosses the original piece at Tadashi. “You keep your half. And I’ll keep this. That way, I don’t steal back a present that was originally made for you.”

                Tadashi nodded, looking back at the piece he had stared at in wonder for the past year. Now that he had solved the mystery of it, he felt a rush of admiration towards Hiro. The whole ‘not understanding’ his younger brother had finally dissipated. The bond between the two of them felt stronger than ever. Maybe he had gone too far the night before with his younger brother, but he wasn’t mentioning anything. So this was his free pass? As long as Tadashi didn’t mess up like that again the two of them could just live on, and continue to be there for each other.

                If only there was a way for the older brother to catch this stuff before it got that bad. Then he realized there was a way. It was definitely invasive, but the younger one didn’t have to be told. In fact, it wouldn’t work the way Tadashi wanted it to if Hiro knew about it. Over the course of the next few days Tadashi made GPS trackers that he put into Hiro’s clothing. Which ended up being a blessing in disguise because as the months progressed Hiro started illegal bot fighting in sketchy parts of town. Tadashi conveniently there to save his little a-s-s every time.

                Hiro stuck to his guns about not wanting to attend SFIT in the fall, and all the plans they made were slowly falling apart. Tadashi didn’t know what to do to anymore. His brother was slowly slipping away from him. The older one had to mask the fact he was scared. His over-protectiveness became overbearing, and Hiro tried to get away from it. He really did. All while trying to spare his older brother’s feelings.

_\--_

_I feel suffocated._

_Maybe it’s you who needs to take a step back._

Hell, even all the looks the younger one gave him whenever Tadashi got all in his space. Such a lost innocent expression. A look of a boy who loved and trusted his brother so unconditionally that he wouldn’t put up a fuss… but still looked so lost and confused.

                Hiro wasn’t thirteen anymore. Tadashi wasn’t living at home any longer. From where Tadashi was standing he could see Hiro’s favorite spot at the bottom of the river. Tadashi had a perfect aerial view of it, and once he let go he wouldn’t be seeing anything anymore.

                “Tadashi NO!” Hiro’s voice rang, and Tadashi who had been falling fast towards the river was suddenly being reeled in by a tight cold grip. When he reopened his eyes, he saw that it was Hiro’s microbots that had lassoed him back on to the bridge.

                “Hiro—”

                Hiro smacked Tadashi across the face. “You knuckle head!” he shouted, then his microbots fell off him, but Hiro’s arms replaced the pressure as he flung his arms around his older brother.

                “Do you not think about anyone but yourself?” Hiro asked harshly, shaking with anger.

                Tadashi sat there frozen too shocked to do anything else.

                “Where is it? Where did you put it?” Hiro asked, and then he was prying Tadashi’s hand open. His half of the helicopter laid in his palm.

                “My microbots. They were attracted to it.” Hiro told him, “I didn’t actually think they would lead me to you.”

                “Hiro. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. For everything…” Tadashi finally found the words he needed to say.

“I know. I know you are. I forgive you.” Hiro sighed, “Now don’t you ever do this to me again.”

                “What?” Tadashi mumbled furrowing his eyebrows in confusion.

                “Don’t leave me again, stupid.” Hiro reiterated, since Tadashi didn’t seem to be understanding him.

                Tadashi felt the warmth of Hiro’s hands as he cupped his face with them. His stubble scratched against his palms as the younger one looked deep into his eyes for answers. Answers Tadashi was afraid he would never be able to provide for him.

                “I don’t know what happened,” Tadashi mumbled. “The last thing I remember was Aunt Cass asking me to move out. I remember the first week living with Fred and Wasabi was okay. I was just really… depressed? The next thing I know my phone was turned off, I guess I didn’t show up for school at all. I just disappeared.”

                “What do you mean you just disappeared? I haven’t seen or heard from you in three months!” Hiro exclaimed, his hands dropping down from his face clinging on to the collar of his shirt instead. “I deserve to know everything. So you better start talking.”

                Tadashi shook his head, “I am trying to tell you. I don’t remember! I just… I don’t know. I ‘came to’ about a week ago. I went to Fred and Wasabi’s assuming I had just had a lot to drink or something… which is why I may have felt so confused and disoriented. But then they freaked out at the sight of me. They said I had been gone for months. They said everyone had been looking for me. When they told me that, I-I didn’t even know I was gone. Hiro. There’s something really messed up inside me. It’s not safe for you to be around me. I’m not right.”

Hiro frowned because he spent so much time being angry with his brother’s absence. He had no idea what to expect if he ever did find him. Sure, thousands of scenarios ran through his mind. But this. This was not one of them.

                “Tadashi. Why didn’t you come find me?” he asked taking a deep breath in.

                “You don’t need me to mess you up more than I already have, Hiro. You should’ve let me jump…” Tadashi’s voice trailed away, but Hiro shook his head out of frustration.

                “No. No. You’re wrong. Stop it. Stop saying you’ve messed me up.” Hiro pleaded, but even he knew now that there weren’t many other words to call what Tadashi has done to him. All the other words that came to mind were much worse than, ‘messing someone up’.

                “I can’t go back home. Aunt Cass would never allow it. I don’t know if Fred and Wasabi want to deal with my baggage either.” Tadashi told him.

                “Killing yourself is not the answer, Tadashi.” The younger one urged. “I’m still here for you. I don’t care about what Aunt Cass. I’m still your crutch. I’m still your brother. I’m still…” his voice trailed away. “I’m whatever you need me to be, okay?”

                “No, Hiro. It’s not okay.” Tadashi fought, but Hiro curled his head tightly into the crook of his neck, and the grip on he had on the older one was telling him otherwise.

                “Tadashi stop being so selfish. I’m not saying this just for you.” Hiro paused for a moment so he could take a deep breath in. Tadashi’s scent was muskier than what he was used to, but he didn’t mind.

                “If you would have jumped for real. I would have just followed you. We’re chained together whether you want us to be or not. Whether _I_ want us to be or not. Just stop for one minute. Stop seeing yourself as a bad guy. Just for a minute?” he proposed and when Tadashi nodded slightly, Hiro pressed his lips to Tadashi’s.

                When Hiro pulled back he leaned in so their foreheads were pressed together. “Okay, now when you open your eyes, tell me what you see.”

                “I see you.” Tadashi responded breathlessly.

                “I see you too.” Hiro assured him. “I see you, Tadashi. For everything you are. And a monster is not one of those things.”


	14. Abigail

Chapter 14// Abigail  
Orientation at SFIT was a well anticipated day for Tadashi Hamada. All new students were able to move into their dorms a week before classes begun, spending their week acquainting themselves with the campus, and figuring out class schedules. Tadashi was able to figure everything out quite easily, and he attended every event that week. The most inspiring to him was Abigail’s speech to all the new freshman at SFIT. Abigail had just graduated from there herself, and was interning as a pilot tester at Krei Tech Industries. From the second Tadashi heard her speak, he knew there was something magical about this girl. She had such soft edges for a girl with such fierce confidence. From her speech, Tadashi could hear the passion in her voice, not by her words but by the inflections. There was something genuine about her that he just admired right off the bat. By the end of her speech, Tadashi learned that she was a Callaghan.  
"No wonder…” he couldn’t help but think. As she left the podium, another person came up to speak. With several “pardon me’s” Tadashi managed to weave through the crowd, in hopes he would be able to catch a word with her. He didn’t know why, but he had to introduce himself.  
  
“A-Abigail?” he stuttered.  
  
The girl looked over at him with an instant smile, Tadashi feared his heart would just stop right there.  
  
“Hello.” She greeted quirking her eyebrow at him.  
  
“I’m Tadashi Hamada,” he said extending his hand out to her, and she shook his hand with such firmness and warmth, Tadashi felt his whole face heat up immediately. His own hand cold, and clammed up made him realize he should have thought twice before making such a bold move.  
  
“Your speech really inspired me.” He told her, “I really am going to work hard here, and I-I…” his voice trailed off when she started to laugh.  
  
“Tadashi Hamada? I’ve heard about you. Yeah? You were able to get a scholarship here for your showcase project.” She touched his arm reassuringly, “You don’t have to suck up to me, Tadashi. You’re going to great without schmoozing up the Professor’s daughter.”  
  
“That’s not why I came up to you!” Tadashi insisted his face turning even redder... if that was even possible.  
  
“Hm. I suppose you’re right. With your ideas you wouldn’t need to do that to make a good impression.” She winked at him, when her attention was turned to something off in the distance. “Hey. Thanks for letting me know that you found me inspiring. I mean, after all I’m just a girl who enjoys other people’s work. Sure, I’m smart… but coming up with a portal or creating a bunker that can survive any type of explosion. That’s not what I do. That’s what geniuses like you do. You’re the inspiring ones.”  
  
The so called bunker she described wasn’t the actual “scientific” term, but she had been referring to Tadashi’s project he had designed for the showcase. The very project Allister Krei wanted to use for project sparrow. Tadashi humbly agreed to let him use his idea, without buying it off him. However, he did end up winning a generous grant that would help him pay off his tuition at SFIT.  
  
“I suspect we’ll see more of each other since I’ll be the pilot of your own design. I hope it’s as structurally sound as they’re all saying.” As she teased him Tadashi rubbed the back of his neck, watching her as she walked over to her father. So, she did know him after all. Tadashi had suspected she might, but it was the definitely the first time he was hearing of her.  
  
And she was right too. They did end up seeing a lot of each other after that day. Abigail was there first hand as Tadashi made adjustments to the transporter. He may have made up a few more critiques along the way as an excuse to hear her opinion on it. Because the more they saw of each other, the more Tadashi found it harder to say good-bye at the end of the day. Abigail was the first person he was allowed to be able to crush on. He could go home, and tell Aunt Cass all about her until he was blue in the face, and that would be okay. After so many years of having feelings that weren’t valid… it was such a relief. Maybe Tadashi wasn’t as broken as he had thought. Of course, the things he had done to his twelve year old brother suggested otherwise. He hadn’t done anything to him since the day he had come back from summer camp. Those feelings were long behind him. But now he would finally be able to move on. Sure, maybe he wouldn’t end up with Abigail. But just knowing it was possible for him to think about somebody else that way. Somebody… that wasn’t family… That was good. That was progress.  
  
Tadashi felt blessed that he had such a talented mind. He was determined to not only to have a positive future for himself, but he wanted to help shape the future for the whole world for others too. Above that, he wanted that for his little brother most of all. If anyone was capable to do what Tadashi has done… it would be Hiro. Tadashi even had an inkling that Hiro would be able to create things that would be a thousand times more extraordinary than what he has come up with.  
  
Over the course of the semester Tadashi came home every weekend updating Hiro on what it was like at SFIT. And anytime that wasn’t spent at college, he was tweaking his project for Krei. He had to learn the in’s and out’s of the portal at Krei Tech, to make it possible for a human to safely transport through. It was difficult, but Krei provided a team of experts to work with Tadashi, until his design was perfected.  
  
One night drawing nearer to the actual test run through the portal, Tadashi was doing some last minute adjustments to the inside of the cabin. He hadn’t told his team, or Krei about the adjustment. The only person who would know was Abigail.  
  
Earlier in the day, at Krei Tech Industries Tadashi overheard an argument between his professor and Krei. Callaghan was convinced the portal was nowhere near ready for an actual human tester. But Krei assured him that it would be perfectly safe. By the sounds of it, Callaghan wasn’t convinced. Tadashi was torn by the argument, because as much as he respected his Professor, it could have been very likely he was overreacting since it was his own daughter putting herself into the line of fire.  
  
Tadashi had seen the in’s and out’s of the portal’s design, and yes, he agreed it was definitely a risk… every new experiment had it’s own level of danger. But Abigail wasn’t going to back down from a challenge. In fact, from these past months Tadashi had learned it was the adrenaline of it all that pulled her in to being a pilot.  
  
That’s what brought him to now, making a last second adjustment to the cabin Abigail would be riding through. The last thing he was expecting was a visitor at this hour.  
  
“Tadashi. You should be at home.” It was Abigail’s voice that interrupted his work. Tadashi didn’t mind though, it was better that it was her than anyone else.  
  
“Yeah well, I just want to make sure everything’s in order for tomorrow. And shouldn’t it be you getting rest…” Tadashi replied, continuing to fiddle with the wires inside.  
  
“If anyone else knew you were in here messing with that they would delay this for a whole month.” Abigail scolded.  
  
“Well, maybe we should wait another month. There’s still inconsistencies with the portal’s vitals.”  
  
“Krei says that it’s nothing to worry about.” Abigail said, “So. I’m not worried, and neither should you.”  
  
“Well come check this out anyway.” Tadashi waved her over after his last finishing touches.  
  
Abigail sat in the familiar cabin, the one she had gotten acquainted with over the past couple of months. When Tadashi and her made eye contact his mouth hung open for he had a momentary brain lapse, and forgotten all the words in the English language.  
  
“You added a new button.” She said for him, tugging open the port.  
  
“Yeah… it’s a last stitch precaution.” He mumbled, slowly pulling himself out of the trance that was Abigail’s beauty.  
  
“Okay, what does it do?” Abigail wondered looking him over seriously.  
  
“Well… it’s silly. You aren’t even going to need it.” Tadashi rambled, blushing.  
  
“Hey. Listen Tadashi. Instead of arguing with everyone about it, you’ve actually stayed up all night to secure my safety. It’s not silly. You’re right it is a lot of work to put into for something I may not even use. But still, you put in the work instead of trying to hold me back like my father.” She inhaled sharply. “So what does it do?” she tried again.  
  
“In case you get stuck inside the portal, when you press this button, an IV will drop… and it has enough supply to keep you alive for years. There’s also a needle that will put you into comatose… Well I prefer the term hyper sleep. And that’s uh, you know, if you don’t come out of the other side. And it doesn’t seem like anyone will be coming anytime soon…”  
  
Abigail took in a deep breath. “Wow.” She said, “I will say, I wasn’t expecting that exactly.”  
  
“Is there something wrong? Do you think it’s too much?” Tadashi wondered frantically.  
  
“No it’s just—you come up with solutions that others would be just too afraid to try.”  
  
“Does that mean you’re scared?” Tadashi questioned, sounding surprised by that.  
  
“Is it morbid to say that I’m not?” Abigail responded, and Tadashi looked back at her speechless.  
  
Tadashi wished he had any sort of courage, because maybe then he could have told her his feelings right then. But the moment passed him by before he could say much else as she was slipping out of the transporter, and resting a hand on his shoulder.  
  
“Thanks for your hard work. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Abigail said, and Tadashi nodded wordlessly as she left him alone once more.  
  
When the next day rolled around Tadashi was on the side lines, watching as Krei showed off the portal first by throwing the General’s hat through it. A test they had done countlessly, but today would be the first time a person would be going through. That’s when they asked Abigail if she was ready. Tadashi leaned against the railing in anticipation. He gave her a knowing nod when she waved at him. Tadashi was captivated by the way she went around like she had something to prove to the whole world. There was a moment as she climbed into his cabin that he decided he had to tell her his feelings. Maybe they would all have a celebratory dinner this evening. Abigail was going to be the talk of the town after all. The first ever pilot to be transported through a portal. Tadashi hoped this rush of affection he had for her would never dissipate. It was a good distraction from all the other things he felt inside that he wasn’t supposed to be feeling.  
  
Then the countdown was happening. He sucked in his breath. She’ll be back in a flash. He reminded himself. He watched intently as she ascended into the purple swirls the portal emitted. It didn’t take long to know something was going wrong. The portal was gravitating more energy than it was supposed to be. The lights flickered, and the evacuation alarm echoed off the walls. The last thing Tadashi saw was the second portal losing connection before he was being pulled out of the building.  
  
“Abigail, who’s going to help Abigail?!” he shouted. But it didn’t take long for the news to spread that she was shut inside the portal.  
  
Project Sparrow was immediately terminated. Apparently, Krei had fast tracked a lot of the testing without telling anyone, and his whole company was under investigation, and now his whole company was put on a suspension. Even Tadashi was brought in for questioning.  
  
“We understand that you are on a scholarship at SFIT.” The investigator stated, “And you created the cabin Abigail was in when she disappeared into the portal.”  
  
“We had several dummies go through the portal in the cabin before her, the cabin was perfectly safe.” Tadashi assured.  
  
“We have footage that you tampered with the machine before the final trial with Abigail; that was not logged in the testing process.”  
  
“I just added an extra precaution to the panic button.” Tadashi explained.  
  
“So you anticipated there would be a problem?” the officer countered.  
  
“N-no… I just wanted to ensure her safety.” He stuttered feeling uncomfortable under the bright lights illuminating from the ceiling.  
  
Tadashi was sure he was going to be hit with more questions, but he was saved when another officer interrupted the interrogation, and informed him he was free to go. He didn’t know exactly what happened; all they told him was that he was cleared, and the malfunction wasn’t on his end after all.  
  
A funeral was held for Abigail. Even after Tadashi told Professor Callaghan about the hyper sleep mode he installed in the transporter, he just shook his head solemnly.  
  
“Even your design couldn’t hold up in an infrastructure so unstable for a prolonged period of time. It will have been disintegrated into dust by now. I appreciate the hard work you put into this project to keep her safe, but she’s gone son. My Abigail is gone.” Tadashi didn’t want to believe the professor’s words. She couldn’t be gone. There had to be something they all could do. All they had to do was start up the working portal, and keep it running while somebody went in to rescue her. But even Krei agreed with Callaghan… they were both convinced there was no way she could be alive in there.  
  
Being the only one convinced there was still hope, there wasn’t much Tadashi could do on his own. Except wait for the day Krei would be allowed to reopen his portal again, and save Abigail on his own. Torn between accepting that she was gone like everyone else seemed to be, and formulating a plan for when the time did come… Tadashi spent a lot of time on his own. Holed up in his nerd lab at school, he began working on another project he had in mind.  
  
His Aunt knew about the friend he had lost. So she watched over at him from a distance, constantly telling him he didn’t have to stay up so late to help her close the café. But when Tadashi wasn’t staying late at school he needed another excuse as to why he needed to avoid his younger brother. Before the project with Krei, and Abigail helped subside certain desires he had for him. But now more than ever, Tadashi was tempted to confide in him.  
  
Hiro picked up on his strange behavior one night, when he wanted Tadashi to read over his AP Physics paper. Tadashi was over on his side of the room on his laptop. He was doing some idle research in hopes it would help him come up with some sort of plan that he could actually put into fruition. But all the ideas he had required either bringing other people in on it (which he was reluctant to do because he didn’t want to put even more lives in danger), or it was just so out there it was destined to fail and potentially land him in prison. There was no way he would be able to do anything for Abigail there, so he was at a standstill. Tadashi who had been so consumed by his own mind, wasn’t expecting the sudden dip at the edge of his bed.  
He closed his laptop abruptly when he saw Hiro looking over at him with his wandering doe-like eyes. Tadashi always wondered about the looks Hiro gave him, like if he had somehow implanted a scanner that could read through him. Tadashi always felt so vulnerable whenever the two of them were locked in eye contact.  
“Are you okay Tadashi? You haven’t really… well… this is like the first time you’ve been home like this in months. I mean, you’ve been here, but you’ve gone straight to bed every night. And you hardly say more than two words to me.” Hiro brought up, and Tadashi bit his lip not sure if he wanted to unload all his problems on to his little brother. Hiro was focusing on finishing up high school, Tadashi didn’t want to disrupt that focus with everything going on in his life. He asked Aunt Cass to respect that one night, so Hiro knew very little about the portal breaking down at Krei tech. It didn’t blow up on the news like it should have. Only parties directly involved knew of it, and Tadashi chose to keep Hiro out of the loop. It wasn’t fair to drag him into this anyway. Maybe one day he could tell him, but now wasn’t the time.  
  
“Yeah I’m sorry. It’s just been crazy. But, I’m here now. Is there something you wanted to talk about?” Tadashi asked, hoping that would deflect the pressure off him.  
  
“Mm, it’s not really important.” Hiro mentioned inviting himself to join Tadashi under the covers. Tadashi instinctively made room for him, and wrapped an arm around his shoulder.  
  
“Let me guess you want to watch Harry Potter to bed?” Tadashi teased, poking the younger one’s forehead as he grinned up at him.  
  
“Alright fine.” Tadashi agreed not even waiting for a response, as he reopened his laptop.  
  
Tadashi’s mind turned into a blank canvas as the movie played. He painted imageries in his mind that he didn’t speak aloud, or show any signs he was even thinking so intently at all. It only took about a half hour for Hiro to fall asleep under his arm. He didn’t bother waking him up to move him… it didn’t take a genius to know that he only came over here because he missed Tadashi. He went from being around often to hardly ever being home period. The two of them were still close, and Tadashi was still very excited for his brother to start school with him in the fall. A rushing feeling flooded over Tadashi as he watched Hiro innocently curled at his side. He fit there as though no one or nothing else belonged in that spot. It was very rare when Tadashi allowed himself to indulge himself with thoughts. A thought was so simple to have, but also so very destructive to harbor. He swallowed down a lump rising in his throat. The grief over Abigail being gone, was subsided when he had Hiro at his side. Even though he was too afraid to confide in his little brother… his presence alone was enough to comfort him. He was so filled with ideas and wonder and imagination and the capability to make all the things he wanted into a reality.  
  
What would Tadashi’s imagination be like if put into reality? If his feelings that were wrong were… acceptable? If not by anyone, but just Hiro? All he needed was Hiro’s acceptance. That’s all Tadashi cared about anyway. As he mulled over hypotheticals, he began to picture Hiro in a few years from now… and even the Hiro before him right now. How impressionable he was. He looked up to Tadashi more than anyone else. It was wrong for the older one to think about twisting that into something convenient to his own selfish wants. But, it was only in moments like this where he even dared to even just think for a second what it could be like if…  
  
“Hiro?” He called out quietly, and the younger one didn’t budge. The last time his brother didn’t respond lead to Tadashi doing terrible things to him. But… this time… he would just do them to himself. He didn’t have to hurt Hiro. He just needed to… needed to do something with his racing mind. And there were only a couple thing that made him stop concentrating on a million things at once… He shifted back so he wouldn’t wake his brother with his moving around. He shoved his hand down his the waist band of his sweat pants, and wasted no time with it. At first his eyes were shut tightly in shame…. He could still feel the heat of where Hiro had been laying on his side. But the more he continued… the more lost he became… There were so many images he painted in his mind. They were all such innocent things. Hugs, kisses, cuddles, Hiro’s eyes just staring at him, god those eyes…  
  
His own eyes snapped open when he had been imaging his little brother on his knees in front of him… staring up at him so innocently. With such uncertainty… He pictured how he would assure Hiro that he didn’t have to do anything he was uncomfortable with… But the younger one wanting to continue. That was what set him over the edge. He hadn’t even thought of anything explicit… he just thought of Hiro being with him— willingly. Hiro wanting to give Tadashi everything. Even after the deed was done Tadashi laid in his mess with a heated look of embarrassment. ‘Good he’s still asleep.’  
  
With that stroke of luck, Tadashi rolled out of bed silently, and went to clean up in their bathroom. It was in that moment he decided— he had to stop this in its tracks. Maybe Hiro didn’t realize it yet, but there would be a day when he would question what their relationship meant for him. Tadashi knew he did everything he could to make their bond seem normal. But with slip ups like this, he definitely was walking on thin ice. Even if he didn’t mean to confuse his brother. One day he might actually do exactly that.  
  
“He can’t be your anchor anymore.” Tadashi mumbled to himself in the mirror. “You have to be your own anchor.” He bit his lip unsurely, because even as he said all this to himself… he was still hurting, and still wanting to curl back into his bed next to Hiro. He almost would have, just one last time, had it not for Hiro stirring awake as Tadashi came out of the bathroom.  
  
“Tadashi?” Hiro mumbled tiredly, and the older one sat beside him at the edge of the bed.  
  
“Yeah, Hiro?”  
  
“Nothing… I just… I was— I thought you had left.” He scoots an inch closer to Tadashi, and once again it felt like nothing else but Hiro belonged there at his side.  
  
“You didn’t have that bad dream again did you?” Tadashi countered, and Hiro nodded silently.  
  
"I promise, I’ll always be here. I’m not going to leave you. Ever.” The words spilled out similar to vomit, it left a bad taste in his mouth, because this was it. This was the stuff that proved Tadashi wasn’t capable of suppressing how much he really cared for Hiro.  
  
“Well you say that, but that didn’t stop mom or dad from… dying… No one can avoid that.” Hiro pressed, and inhaled sharply when Tadashi took his hand in his own.  
“Hiro. Listen to me, it was just a dream. I’m alive. You’re alive. We’re both here.” Tadashi insisted making sure his voice was crystal clear. Hiro nodded meekly, and quickly wiped away the invisible tear threatening to fall from the corner of his eye.  
  
“You’ve been acting different…. Lately.” Hiro told him. “Are you in trouble?”  
  
“No, I’m not.” Tadashi assured, “I am not in any sort of trouble. I’ve been working really hard at school, and with Krei on his portal… so I’ve been busy, but I’m okay. I’m not putting myself in danger.”  
  
Hiro shrugged not very convinced, “So you’re okay? You’re not upset or hurt at all?”  
  
“…I’m okay, Hiro. I promise.” Tadashi confirmed, and Hiro sighed with a final nod.  
  
“Okay. I am here for you, though. If you need anything, anything at all…” Hiro said, and the other just nodded simply.  
  
Whether or not Hiro knew something he did not… Tadashi’s only saving grace was that whatever Hiro may or may not have known, he was leaving it up to Tadashi to talk about it. So all Tadashi had to do was act like everything was fine. And everything would be just that. Fine.


	15. Fading Fast

**Chapter 15//** Fading Fast.

_Now you’re gone_

_But I’ll be okay_

_Your hot whiskey eyes_

_Have fanned the flames_

_Maybe I’ll burn a little brighter tonight_

_Let the fire breathe me back to life._

                Hiro was reckless. He was using his microbots constantly, and showcased them to the whole city. Earlier in the week he had stopped an idly rolling bus car down the steepest hill of San Fransokyo in the middle of the afternoon. He also used them to trap a robber trying escape the police in a high speed chase just a day afterwards. Though he kept his own identity hidden the microbots were a force everyone soon became familiar with. Whether they feared it, or felt comforted by their protection Hiro didn’t care to ask. All he knew was that he was giving himself purpose while Tadashi had gone missing. And when he found him again, the only comfort he was allowed to have in it all was now that he was using his microbots more openly, it was easier to keep an eye on his brother from a distance.

                The fact that he was following Tadashi around in the shadows did make him feel like a bit of a stalker in all honesty. Hiro had become obsessed with watching over him. He hardly slept, or ate. His already tiny body was the thinnest it has ever been. He had come to learn which lights burned their brightest, and which lights flickered the most when the streets were most silent. Hiro traveled roof top to roof top as far as eighty stories high. The travel between buildings was almost flawless with the help of his microbots. He kept himself anonymous by wearing a mask, so when people or cameras did catch glimpses of him he would not be identified so easily.

                At home, he explained his strange behavior by telling his aunt he was working tirelessly at school. And of course, when she expressed to him that he needed to take better care of himself he would always give her the same empty assurances. He never told her about finding Tadashi by the bridge. Honestly, he felt awful keeping the secret from her. But it was not entirely his fault that he had to do it. If he told her, he would not have the free reign to roam the streets like he did now. Even now, when his Aunt drove him to school and “picked him up” it made sneaking out at night a pain. But at least he was able to put up an act.

                One good thing about being enrolled at SFIT, was the access to all the tech there. It had more than his and Tadashi’s make shift lab in their garage could ever dream of having. One night when he wanted to increase the range on his mask, instead of sneaking into his garage, he used his microbots to travel back to school. It was something he could have easily done at home, but Hiro had grown to hate every second he had to spend there with his brother gone. Especially when he had a better chance of bumping into him outside the house than inside… the choice just became that more clear to Hiro. When his business was just about done, he heard the sliding door to his lab open.

                “Burning the midnight oil Mr. Hamada?” The voice belonged to Professor Callaghan.

                “Uh, I was just finishing up something really fast.” Hiro explained with a shrug.

                “Hm, for your microbots I presume?” The professor questioned, causing Hiro to stiffen on the spot.

                “It’s amazing how you were able to enhance my tech like that.” Callaghan went on, taking a step closer.

                “Thanks, I guess.” Hiro replied finding no reason to try to lie to his professor. He was the smartest man he knew, other than Tadashi. He wasn’t about to try to fool someone like him.

                “I would think you would be wiser to keep something like this more private. Your tech, no matter how helpful it is… could also be very destructive if it were ever to be placed in the wrong hands.”

                “So far you’re the only who has figured out that it’s me who has them…” Hiro told him quietly.

                “Is that so? And Tadashi… what about him?”

                “He knows, but… he’s going to be in the hospital for a while because of the breakdown he had… leaving school, and going missing and all.”

                “I see, well, I wish him and you the best of luck.” The professor concluded setting a caring hand on his shoulder.

                “Thanks. Eh— professor?” Hiro piped up as he had turned to leave. “Would you let Tadashi return if he got better?”

                “Of course. He has a real gift, and he’s almost like a son to me.” He let out a small exhale, and Hiro ended up staying rooted to the spot until he could no longer hear his professor’s footsteps echoing down the hall.

                When Hiro left the school that night, he couldn’t help but feel like someone was following him. He kept constantly turning his head to look behind him, and did his best to make the path he was taking unpredictable. The feeling never left him. When he arrived to the hospital he asked to see Tadashi Hamada, but he was denied like he had been every night he checked. He had a legal right as a blood relative, but the older one was refusing to see him. Hiro didn’t care how stubborn Tadashi was, he was equally as stubborn. The two of them weren’t going to end like this. So, Hiro did the only thing he could do which was roam around San Fransokyo aimlessly until he got tired enough to return home.

                When he found a spot that was secluded enough, he pulled out his blunt taking a couple drags to calm his nerves. Tadashi didn’t want to see him? Fine. Hiro could be patient. He felt like he could wait forever right where he was, on the rock at the edge of the river. It got him to thinking about how his brother had told him once how he knew Hiro liked to come here after his bot fights. Tadashi had a history of finding his younger at the brother at the right place at the right time. Well, right depending on whose perspective you were looking from. From Tadashi’s it was right because he was always arriving just in time to save his brother’s ass. But to Hiro, it may have been the wrong time, because he was never able to fully sort anything out for himself. He had always Tadashi to count on to help out of a bad situation. But what happened, when the bad situation was Tadashi?

                There was a lot Hiro had mulled over in the time Tadashi was kicked out of Aunt Cass’s. For instance, who was he in this world? Who was he without Tadashi, specifically? Without purposely meaning to, everything had become an “us” thing. Sure, they have and always will be their own person. They were both similarly intelligent, but they were both unique. Even though Hiro knew this, he couldn’t help but _feel_ like he was Tadashi’s shadow. Always dragging slightly behind. And if he ever did pull ahead, he was still _linked_ to Tadashi.

                Taking a few more hits, Hiro was able to escape his mind. He was, and he wasn’t. He remained, but he didn’t. He knew he existed in the world, but it _felt_ like he didn’t. He fished inside his pocket for his magnetic piece of the helicopter Tadashi had broken in half. Maybe it was time to let go. It would put his aunt’s grief to rest. It apparently saved Tadashi from the pain he felt inside. Hiro flicked the one last thing that linked him to Tadashi into the water. His helicopter sunk to the bottom of the river to rest with the other pebbles that laid beneath the water.

                That deafening sound of silence consumed Hiro as he continued to idly sit at the river. The waves were gentle, and should have made a noise. The cars that zipped across the bridge above him should have also made noise. But Hiro had drown it all out. Even the rise and fall of his chest, though visible… The breaths he made no sound. When he closed his eyes Tadashi came into view. His smile. His laugh, soundlessly rang in his ears. When he reopened his eyes he knew he had company. His body was too stoned to react, but he was soon being shoved into the river. There was no fight. He let himself soak water into his lungs. Maybe his body writhed against his attacker, but his mind was accepting of the fate.

 When he awoke again he was sobered up, and at the shore of the river. His back propped against the bridge. Alive. Black dots clouded his vision, very slowly fading away the more conscious he had become. It took him a moment to assess what had happened. He was shoved. Held down? No. He had a headache. He touched his forehead to feel dried blood. His body flinched as a jolt went through his body. Oh yeah, it also hurt like hell.

                Other than that it didn’t appear that he was majorly injured. Hiro reached behind him to grab for his backpack when he realized it wasn’t there. His eyes widened in fear. His microbots and neurotransmitter had been in there. He scrambled to his feet to see if they were in his surrounding area. Gone. He takes a deep breath, and went over to the rock he had been dragged away from.

                He saw his bong tipped over on the rock, but no backpack to be found. Someone must have been deliberately targeting his microbots… Otherwise they would have done much worse to him. He looked up over to the skyscrapers off in the distance the sun was about to rise, and the glint of day was about reflect off them. Was it possible the person stole his backpack left him to die, but someone else saved him? Everything was so fuzzy in his mind it was hard to know really know what happened for sure.

                _Well what now?_

                Walk home.

                _What do I say to Aunt Cass if she is awake?_

She was awake.

                “He…hey Aunt Cass.” He greeted feeling guilty when he noticed the dark circles around her eyes.

                “Hiro. Thank _God._ ” She ran over to him, and wrapped her arms tightly around him. The moment of relief faded quickly when she looked him over with an intense stare.

                “What happened to your head, why are you soaking wet?” She questioned; a clear look of distress written all over her face.

                “I had to go back to school because I forgot something. I didn’t want to wake you. When I was done I decided to walk by the river…” Hiro shook his head. “I should have realized someone was following me.”

                “Someone was following you?” she asked furrowing her brow.

                “They stole my backpack… which had a project I was working on.” Hiro hesitantly took a seat to the spot his Aunt ushered him over to. She rushed off to get a bag of frozen peas out of the freezer. She handed it off to Hiro, who took it with an appreciative hum as the cold soothed his aching forehead.

                “They were my microbots.” He explained. “They are controlled with a neuro transmitter.”

                “I saw you working on that in the garage. Why would somebody want to steal them from you? I don’t understand…”

                Hiro shook his head, “I don’t know. I haven’t even worked out all of the kinks or anything yet. I mean, I was sort of practicing out on the town. Maybe somebody figured out it was me who stopped that out of control bus car.”

                His Aunt shook her head worriedly. She had seen the news, and didn’t feel the need to question Hiro about it. In fact, she was secretly proud of him for all the good deeds he had been doing. But, this was dangerous. Someone had caught him off guard, could have killed him if they wanted by the sounds of it. His aunt felt stupid now for not doing something about all of this sooner.

                “I’ve been trying my best to give you your freedom, for you to figure out who you are in this world.” His aunt sympathized. “I don’t want what happened to you to discourage you.” She reached for his hand across the table, and squeezed it firmly.

                “Hiro. You’ve saved lives. How could I ever punish you for that?” she persisted when Hiro looked at her with a shocked expression.

                “Aunt Cass. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you what I was doing.” Hiro apologized hollowly.

                “I’m used to you and your brother’s secrecy by now. In the long run I realize it’s because… it is your way of trying to spare my feelings. You both hate it when someone else is hurting from your expense.” She glanced down at the table taking a deep breath. “There is only so much I can do to protect either of you. I have found ways to figure out what’s going on without you telling me. So in the future, it would be nice to be able to cut all that out… just kept me in the loop. Who knows, maybe I would be able to help… somehow.”  His aunt retracted her hand, and Hiro reached for it again so he could return the comfort.

                “I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive us.” Hiro mumbled, setting the icepack down on the table so he could give his Aunt a proper hug.

                “Tadashi’s in the hospital,” he told her, and she just nodded knowingly.

                “Wasabi told me you’ve been trying to visit him there.” She explained. “I went to visit him once I found out why he was there.”

                “Did he see you? What did he say?” He pressed, but when she shook her head he sighed frustrated.

                “He wouldn’t see me. But he’s in the psychiatric unit. All the nurse told me was that he checked himself in there willingly, but all other information was private.”

                Hiro inhaled sharply. “Do you have any idea what he thinks is wrong with him? Do you already know? Aunt Cass… I need to know what’s going on. Or at least, know as much as you do.”

                Cass mimicked Hiro’s inhale. To brace herself. “Well… my guess is probably is as good as yours.”

                “What do you mean by that? I have no idea—”

                “Obviously I am no doctor, but I believe Tadashi has something called dissociative fugue.” His aunt responded, and Hiro had to rack his brain to remember where he had heard that term before. Then he remembered. He had to write a paper on dissociative disorders in his AP Psychology class a little over two years ago. 

                “I-I don’t understand…” Hiro replied, but truthfully matching her theory with what was going on with Tadashi. It did seem that it could be a possibility.

                “Tadashi went through something traumatic as a child.” She explained, which yes, Hiro already knew. Even if it was just recently learned. “People with dissociative fugue can disappear unannounced, and when they do reappear again they often do not remember where they had gone, what they have been up to, or even how long they had been gone.”

                “Well Tadashi did say all that to me when I saw him but–”

                “This isn’t the first time something like this has happened to him. Tadashi ran away once. When he was thirteen. Do you remember Hiro? When we couldn’t find your brother for three whole days?”

                Hiro furrowed his brow as he tried to think back. A lot of the times, his childhood seemed fuzzy at times too. It was hard to remember when certain things happened. “I was eight.” He finally spoke up.

                “We went out looking for him in the rain, when we found him sleeping in a slide at the park by our house.”

                “Do you remember what he told us?” his aunt pressed.

                “He said aliens had taken him.” Hiro replied.

                “Right. But when I asked him what they looked like he said he didn’t remember anything. He said all he remembered was being at school, and he that the aliens must have wiped his memory.”

                Hiro shook his head, “I guess if he had been kidnapped for real he probably wouldn’t have just been sleeping at a park all on his own.”

                “Mrs. Matsuda had told me that she saw him, and offered to walk him home but he acted like he didn’t recognize her at all. Said he ran off towards the park. And that’s how we were able to find him.”

                “So if you’re right… that means there really isn’t a cure for it. I mean, we can do things to minimize the chance of it happening… but he could have this problem all his life.” Hiro raked his fingers through his hair wanting to break something, but he had to remain calm at least for now.

                “That was so long ago.” Hiro went on, “Something had to have triggered it again...” his voice trailed away when he and his aunt made eye contact.

                _I triggered it._

The wordless exchange caused pain Hiro couldn’t even begin to know how to deal with. The two of them have left some permanent injuries on each other. Some that were visible, and made Hiro squirm just thinking about even though his aunt was still there looking at him. And well, the rest were things that weren’t visible. Not by a first glance at least. There was no way Hiro was going to admit to his aunt that he needed help. His head still wanted to think the only thing he needed was Tadashi. He didn’t want to let go of that. He could tell that his high had worn off, because it had been awhile that things have felt so _real_ to him.

                Hiro stood suddenly, “Since he isn’t talking to either of us, we’ll just have to assume he’s in good hands then, won’t we?”

                “Hiro. Why don’t you stay down here a bit longer? I can make dinner, and we can…”

                “I’ve got a lot of studying to do Aunt Cass.” He interrupted, not being able to look back up at her since they last made eye contact.

                “You can do it down here if you want.” She encouraged.

                “No… that’s okay.” He replied, “I’ll be okay, thanks though.” And before his aunt could say anything more, Hiro made his way up the steps feeling the hot tears that had been welling up finally fall down his cheeks.

                The feeling was overwhelming. He wanted it gone. There were a number of ways he could go about it. Cutting had been his original source, but pot had been doing something more for him. Right now he didn’t feel much of doing either. So, he went to his computer. A bot fight is what he wanted. A way to let out the anger bubbling inside him. It’s true he no longer had his mega bot, or now even his microbots. However, he did have plenty of bots handy he could vamp up in less than an hour.

                And that’s what he ended up devoting his energy too. He knew he would have to wait until his aunt came up with dinner anyway, which was when he pretended to be studying. When she was gone again, he worked on the finishing touches before sneaking out across town. Being on foot was much less exciting than being able to do some sweet moves with his microbots, or pop a wheelie on is moped. The thing about walking too, it gave him more time to be stuck in his head, which wasn’t a place he really enjoyed being right now. He was aware of everything, the pounding of his head, and the slap his wet sneakers made against the pavement. At least the rest of him was dry now. As he started ducking through the alleyways of San Fransokyo, he tried to be alert beyond his own body. Were there any foot steps behind him? What was going on in front of him? He clutched on to the pepper spray in his pocket, when he heard a clattering noise against the dumpster. Only to find a stray cat that had just clumsily landed on top of it. He breathed a sigh of relief, and kept walking.

                _Almost there…_

The bot fight went as expected for Hiro, he had to make a quick escape when they caught on to his hustling. And as he was running from them that rush of adrenaline he came there for kicked in. In his head, he was already making plans to look up where the next bot fight would be. Hopefully, that one would have a different crowd to it as well. Eventually, these people would start to recognize him, and just beat him up before he even had a chance to fight.

                Somewhere between ducking through alleys, and pausing to catch up on his breath. He was convinced no one was following him. Hiro took on a casual pace for the last stretch back to his aunt’s café that was on a corner of a busy street. The place was in sight, and Hiro was relaxed. Totally unsuspecting of the car that pulled up beside him. That was, until, a group of guys piled out and grabbed him. It was too late to make any sort of counter moves, because he was thrown into a truck with his hands bound behind his back. It took a couple minutes for his eyes to adjust to the dark. His immediate thought was to look for a way to open the trunk from the inside. The emergency lift had been removed. Okay. That’s _predictable_. What else could he do? Hiro closed his eyes tightly trying to think his way out. But it was useless. He was too panicked. Who were those guys? Were they people he’s hustled in the past? He didn’t know for sure because everyone was wearing masks over their heads. Also predictable...

His phone started buzzing in his front pocket, and he cursed under his breath. It had to be Aunt Cass. She had to know that he snuck out by this hour, and now he wouldn’t be able to answer his phone to tell her what happened. How long would it take her to report that to the police? Maybe her over-protectiveness will work out in the end for him… Hiro couldn’t imagine who else would want anything to do with him. Well. That wasn’t true. He’s caused a lot of buzz with his microbots. He shouldn’t have been so flashy with them. _Now isn’t the time to beat yourself up about this. Look for a new angle. Think your way out._

Hiro took in a deep breath just before he started kicking around to find a weak spot. As he wriggled and kicked about he something rough scraped against his back. He wedged around to see behind him there as a trash bag, some rope, and bricks. They left that back there purposely. To try and scare him? Hiro laughed a little to himself as he flipped around, grabbing the brick between his feet, and started smashing it at the latch where the trunk was locked in place.

                The first try. Nothing.

                Second. Nothing again.

                The third. _Still nothing…_

                The fourth… nope.

                On the fifth attempt he heard laughing from the front. Followed by a slew of muffled threats. And the sixth. The trunk opened a crack.

_‘Jokes on them’,_ he thought as he quickly sat up, and used his head to open it the rest of the way. The car came to a screeching halt. They weren’t on a road anymore. All he could see was a warehouse, and a bunch of cargo holds surrounding him on the loading dock. The only thing familiar to him was the smell of the river. Hiro cringed. He was too late. Even as he scrambled out of the car. The others were quicker. If only his hands weren’t bound he could have pepper sprayed the shit out of them through the eye holes of their masks. Hiro was dragged inside the warehouse, no one speaking a word to him as he was strapped to a chair in an empty concrete room. The air was musty, but Hiro ignored his surroundings for now. He needed to try to get more information about _why_ he was here.

                “What’s going on?” he yelled trying to keep a brave front. No one said a word, the door was slammed closed on him. Leaving Hiro all alone in a pitch dark room. No one bothered to knock him out, torture him, or even look at him. He was left completely alone. Everything was quiet. He didn’t know how much time had passed, but he eventually heard his phone die in his pocket. The echo of the sound lasted too short before silence kicked in once more. Was he really just being left here to starve out? He didn’t dare to scream out again… Maybe silence was something he needed for once. If he was being left to die. Maybe he just needed to make peace with it.

_Baby, you were my picket fence_

_I miss missing you now and then_

_Chlorine kissed summer skin I miss missing you now and then_

_Sometimes before it gets better_

_The darkness gets bigger_

_The person that you’d take a bullet for is behind the trigger_

_Oh We’re fading fast_

_I miss missing you now and then_

               

                Hiro bit his lip. Thinking of Tadashi at a time like this— he wanted to hate himself for it. Tadashi was always there before to save him from thugs like these guys. Sure, he was never in this amount of danger before. Maybe he wouldn’t even be in this much trouble if Tadashi was still at least speaking with him. No… no he couldn’t _blame_ him. The last thing anyone could ever take from Hiro was his devotion to his older brother. A dark room was fitting for the dark images that projected into the seemingly empty room. A violation of trust. Didn’t _start_ at abandonment. It started almost a decade ago when Tadashi came home from that robotics camp. When he couldn’t stop after Aunt Cass scolded him the first time.

                Hiro never knew what Tadashi had done to him. All along Hiro thought the older one was just picking up on something he _himself_ was afraid to confess. But the truth was, Tadashi was the one who put it all there to begin with. It was cold to think that way. It hurt him more than the current situation he was in now (or he was too naïve to know the difference).  Did Hiro even have a thought of his own? He knew every good part of himself was fueled by Tadashi. He knew… he knew Tadashi was _good._

And if the older one’s desire for Hiro stemmed from something bad… then if Hiro really asked himself, truthfully, asked himself… How he felt that about that. He didn’t like it, or want to be any part of that. Tears ran down his face. Eventually drying on his cheeks when he couldn’t wipe them away. Tadashi was in the hospital because he had reached this conclusion before Hiro. It made sense. Tadashi was always a few steps ahead of him. He just kept it to himself. Hiro wanted to hate him for that, too.

                _I can’t bring myself to hate him._ Hiro slumped in the chair. Sleep was going to be his worst enemy here, but he couldn’t fight it. The room was pitch black. The looming feeling of not knowing what was going to happen next took its toll. Hiro eventually came to the conclusion whatever was going to happen to him was going to happen whether he was sleep deprived or fully rested. So, he just decided not to fight the urge anymore.

                In his dreams. The room he stood in was now white. To the point where he had to squint the light was so blinding. This room had the same feeling of emptiness he had just escaped from, until he felt a presence behind him.

                “What’re you working on there?” The voice was Tadashi’s.

                Hiro instantly turned, and there he was. “What do you mean? There’s nothing here. It’s just all…”

                “All what?”

                “I dunno. It doesn’t even feel like there’s a floor.” Hiro mention looking down. But when he looked down he saw that they were standing on a glass floor. And beneath them was another room. He went on his knees, to get a better look.

                “Nonono. I don’t care about this.” Hiro said once he realized what he was seeing.

                “Why are you showing me this Tadashi?” he urged.

                Tadashi knelt beside him, and looked on with him.

                “If you don’t like it. Change it to something else.”

                Hiro looked at the Tadashi before him incredulously, then went back to staring at what was below them. Beneath them was their bedroom. Beneath them… was all their years spent together. All their fights, all their projects, all their laughs, and the tears… The grief. The joy. Beneath them was all the confusion, all the frustration, and the love… Hiro blinked away some tears, and pounded his fist on to the glass. The only reason Hiro knew all of that was there, was because it was everything he ever felt while being in that room. There was nothing in the room below. It was completely empty.

                “This is how I feel when you’re not there.”  Hiro went on not changing a damn thing. “I feel empty.”

                Tadashi continued to look on at the floor wordlessly. Hiro shoved him wanting some sort of proof that he existed. Even in this fake world he invented in his subconscious.

                “How do you feel… when I’m not around?” Hiro asked quietly.

                “Lost.” Tadashi answered matching his tone. “Faking my confidence in the direction I am going. For your sake. Like that time we went camping with Aunt Cass when you and I went off on our own? I feel lost like that all the time whenever I think about what’s going to happen to us, but I can’t let anybody else see that. Especially you, Hiro.”

                Hiro had a near death grip on Tadashi’s cardigan. “You don’t _have_ to feel that way. I’m here. I am right here. See?” he reached up, and cupped Tadashi’s face in his hands. His older brother gave him a soft smile.

                There’s a crash that snaps Hiro out of the trance that was Tadashi’s soft brown eyes. He stood up straight bracing himself for the intruder. There was another loud crash, and Hiro flinched awake. The room was bright, but it was only because the door on the outside had opened. A familiar looking man stood before him.

                “Allister Krei?” Hiro mumbled, realizing only now the person coming into view was only sideways because he had been knocked off his chair, and was now laying on the cold cement floor.

                “Yes, Hiro.” He replied back smiling, however still managed to look agitated.

                “I will cut to the chase. Where are your microbots?” Allister demanded, and Hiro’s mouth hung open in shock.

                “What?” he asked.

                “You can’t be stupid, boy. A technology so advanced, it can’t be left into the under-developed mind of a child. Running around this city playing vigilante hero. It’s time to give them up to somebody who can actually make a difference.”

                “You’re out of luck Krei. Somebody already beat you to the punch.” Hiro replied cringing as the pain of being knocked to floor began sinking in.

                Krei huffed expectantly. “I suspected as much when they weren’t on you when you were fleeing that silly bot fight, and we already checked your school, and your house.”

                “You broke into my house?!” Hiro shouted frantically. “You can’t hurt my Aunt. She has nothing to do with those microbots!”

                “Don’t worry. No harm came to her. She’s a little shaken, and I assured her no harm will come to you or her, as long as you cooperate.”  

                “Cooperate? I already told you. They were stolen!” Hiro fought against his restraints, but it was no use. His body already ached to begin with, and when Krei gave him a sharp kick to his stomach it put an abrupt stop to his efforts.

                “All you have to do is tell me how to create them, and then I’ll let you go.”

                Hiro cringed. He never realized this guy was so crooked. “And no harm will come to my Aunt?”

                “She’s at home baking away for her busy rush of customers in the morning. We’ve got eyes on her, and as long as you hold up your end of the bargain that’s how things will stay.”

                Hiro knew he wouldn’t have long to make a decision. A threat on his Aunt’s life was enough to get him to cooperate, whether he liked it or not. He sucked in a deep breath trying to block out all other reasoning to make what he was about to say not stay stuck in his throat.

                “Alright,” Hiro concluded, “I’ll do it… I’ll tell you how I made them.”


	16. Never meant for it to be this way

**Chapter 16//** Never meant for it to be this way.

                One thing was decided, Hiro would never take his Aunt Cass for granted ever again. Being held against his will to create something so _destructive_ if placed in the wrong hands, was a terrifying experience. He may have been clever, maybe too clever for his own good. Of course, Hiro had learned a poker face with all the bot fights he has been through. But that was nothing compared to threats of being tortured, family members being killed. It was definitely a _new_ sort of motivation Hiro had never had to deal with before. This was about survival.

                Not just surviving through this. But, the repercussions of giving Krei what he wanted. But Hiro had a plan. It was simple enough to come up with. Executing it without anyone else knowing what he was doing— that was the trick. Hiro figured he essentially had two things over Krei. One was that he had what he wanted. And the other was that Krei had only a basic knowledge of what it took to create microbots. How each piece fit together to create something bigger. There was so much more to it that his captor didn’t know.

                “I’m sorry I had to keep you here longer than intended. But you see, writing it all down on paper isn’t enough. This is complicated work, boy. I need you around until it’s done to ensure there aren’t any… glitches.” Krei mentioned one after-noon.

                Hiro wasn’t giving a calendar or watch at all. He had the windows that edged near the top of the warehouse as a small tip of whether it was night or day. Even then, Hiro couldn’t have been sure for certain how long he was being kept here, other than what Krei hinted at.

                If Hiro was going through puberty at a rate of a normal fifteen year old, he’d be riddled with stubble by now. He knew he needed a shower. Desperately. But the only luxury provided to him was a cot where the springs broke through the mattress. A place to use to bathroom, and one meal a day. The meal was often just a can of ravioli that hadn’t even bothered to be heated up. If he was lucky a lukewarm cheeseburger wrapped in paper was thrown at him, and it almost always hit the floor way across from him. He was definitely getting the royal treatment alright.

                None of that bothered him much, he was used to eating next to nothing as of late. All he cared about was his plan. The one Krei wasn’t aware of. Luckily, they had no idea that they were helping him by creating microbots. Even though they watched his every move, he was becoming more confident his plan may actually work.

                About a few weeks passed by, and Hiro was finally done. They were going to test the microbots with the neurotransmitter. As expected Hiro would not be the one testing them. That would have been too easy.

                “We brought in your Aunt.” Krei informed. “I obviously can’t trust you to test them. You’re way too clever, and I can’t use any of my people… in case you’ve somehow manipulated it.” The words made Hiro sweat a little bit. But this was still okay.

                “You didn’t have to bring my aunt. The microbots will work just fine, and I didn’t manipulate anything.” Of course, he was lying, but for now he won the game of wits even with his Aunt testing the neurotransmitter. Two men yanked her into the hollow warehouse, and she burst into tears when she saw Hiro.

                “It’s okay Aunt Cass. All you have to do is think what they tell you to, and then we can go.” Hiro assured.

                “That’s the deal.” Krei confirmed placing the transmitter on her head.

                “Okay lift the microbots from the colanders, and have them make a circle around us.” Krei instructed.

                His Aunt trembled at first, but soon the microbots came spilling around their feet, and she gasped at the sight.

                “Okay now form three rows, and have them go to the ceiling.” He added. As the microbots shifted, Hiro nodded affirmatively.

                “See they work. Now let us go.” Hiro demanded.

                “Actually—“ Krei sighed sympathetically, and pulled a gun from his holster. The two men at Aunt Cass’s side yanked off the neurotransmitter, and threw her at Hiro’s knees. Hiro quickly leaned down to grab her when he heard the click of his gun.

                “You _can’t_ do this Krei.” Hiro began harshly, and the man in the suit just laughed.

                “You stupid boy. Of course I can. I was never going to let you go. You know too much. It’s classic villain. I can’t risk the two of you knowing what you know. That brain of yours is too valuable to let walk out these doors.”

                Hiro gritted his teeth, and pulled out a single microbot of his own. “You either let us go. Or we all die.”

                Krei snorted under his breath. “You’re bluffing.”

                “Well if we’re going to die anyway I have nothing to lose right?” Hiro challenged.

                “Why isn’t that linked with the rest of them?” Krei hissed.

                “It’s a bomb. But not just this. All of the microbots, all I have to do is let go of this one, and once it touches just one of them… they will all set off. The impact will take this whole warehouse down.”

                “You little— get that microbot from him!” Krei demanded.

                “Aunt Cass I need you to get out of here. Now.” Hiro whispered.

                His aunt shook his head. “I’m not leaving you Hiro.”

                “You can’t stay here…” he sighed, and pulled her up. They start running. Gun shots go off but Krei yells for them all to stop.

                “If you shoot him, he’ll let go of that damn thing. Just tackle him and grab it before he can let go of it… Now!!” Krei hollered.

                Hiro tugged harder at his Aunt’s arm as they all ran after him.

                “We have to hurry!” Hiro yelped.

                They made it all the way to the warehouse doors, when they were cornered by at least seven other of Krei’s men. All way more buff than Krei himself. The time was now. He had to let go of his microbot now.

                He did it without warning, and it flew right to the others like it had been fighting to do all along. The men guarding the door hastily open it bolting as soon as the doors swung open. Hiro pulled Aunt Cass along to do the same. He knew he didn’t have much time, but he got them as far away as possible before they realized he had been bluffing all along. They were out. That’s all that mattered. The two of them got on a train, their heads turning in every direction knowing that going back home wasn’t safe for them.

                “We need to see Professor Callaghan.” Hiro told her suddenly.

                “Professor Callaghan?” she replied back frantically. “What we need is to go to the police, Hiro.”

                “I-I don’t think they will able to help us Aunt Cass. But my professor… He was the guy behind this tech. I have to tell that Krei has my microbots. I have to tell him that Krei and someone I don’t even know have my microbots. This is bad Aunt Cass… But he can help us…. He can _actually_ help us.” He took a deep breath. “Trust me on this, okay? We can always go to the police after if he refuses.”

                His Aunt sounded hesitant, but she hummed with a slow nod. She had met the professor a few times before, he was a good man. Hiro continued to hold on to his Aunt’s hand tightly as they went inside his and Tadashi’s former school SFIT.

                When they found his professor, he looked astonished to say the least.

                “You’re alive?” He questioned, and Hiro cringed at the tone of surprise, and the fact he could not tell whether it was true amazement, delightful, or disappointment.

                “Yeah— I am, but... listen…”

                The professor shook his head, “Does that mean Krei is still alive?”

                “Yeah, he is but…” Hiro took a physical step back as the Professor knocked over his chair out of anger.

                “Professor?” he asked, he could hear the door click like his Aunt was about ready to bolt, but he held her there. “It sounds like you know something we don’t?”

                “No, ahem, sorry… I just thought… after your aunt told me what happened. You would be clever enough to be able to kill this man. Instead, you came up with some crack pot escape plan, and your lives are still in danger. And you come _here?_ ”

                Hiro slumped. “I did what I could… I thought you’d want to help us!” he defended not understanding why his professor was so livid. It still didn’t click with him that his professor shouldn’t even know it was Krei who took them, since his professor didn’t even give him a chance to speak. “Krei’s not the only one who has my microbots now, someone else does too… and I have no idea who they are.”

                The professor perked up at that confession. “You’re right Hiro. Someone else does have your microbots besides Krei. How do you think Krei even found out about them in the first place?” he snapped.

                “…What do you mean?”

                Professor Callaghan reached under his desk, and threw a backpack on top of it.

                “You stole my microbots?” Hiro blinked confused. He darted for _his_ bag, the one that was stolen off of him just before Krei had gotten to him. Callaghan did not fight him. When Hiro opened the bag, and saw it was empty he frowned. He had hoped that Callaghan would be able to help him find out who, so they could work together to get them back, so he could tell him about his plan. Hiro hadn’t expected this. A sinking feeling hit the pit of his stomach, and it took all of Hiro’s willpower to stand his ground.

                “Where are they now? Who has them?” Hiro demanded.

                “Your brother.” Callaghan said with a twisted smile.

                “I sent him to go save you both, so the both of you could work together to kill Krei.”

But Hiro shook his head. “Nonono. He can’t go to that warehouse!”

                Hiro looked at his aunt, “Those microbots… those are the ones that will set off his microbots if they come in contact. The one I had in my hand was just like the others… I never actually thought they would come in contact so quickly I thought I would have time…” Hiro’s eyes widened in a panic. “Callaghan you have to help us.”

                The man strode over to his door, and laughed hysterically. “So you made a bomb?” he questioned, sounding delighted. “I guess I did underestimate you after all Hiro.”

                “You can’t do this. Tadashi will die!” Hiro fought to get past him, but Callaghan mere grabbed his arm with one hand, pulling out a knife with the other.

                “That’s his fault, not mine… No one is going anywhere until Allister Krei is killed.”

 

                                                                                                --

                _Hiro._ Tadashi had to save him. He had to save his little brother. He had to hold him in his arms, and tell him how sorry he was for everything. Maybe not all of this was directly his fault, but he had to take responsibility. He had to save him before it was too late. Callaghan filled him in on everything. About how Krei found out about his microbots, how he planned to use them to get revenge on his portal being shut down.

                After all the grief that man caused… Tadashi was speechless. Even if Hiro wasn’t in the picture, he would have taken this man out himself. Callaghan was his mentor, and after what happened to his daughter… for himself being _involved_ in any sort of way with that project… He owed it to Callaghan to get those microbots away from Krei no matter what the cost. He owed it to Abigail the most.

                Tadashi was approaching the warehouse when he heard a familiar sound go off on his phone. Hiro’s GPS. The signal that sounded when Hiro’s location changed. He looked, and saw his brother was at SFIT. Tadashi wasn’t sure how it happened, but he was sure Hiro had to have come up with something absolutely brilliant to finally make it out of there. Tadashi would have made a move sooner on his brother, but Callaghan was insistent on waiting until the right moment. They needed a solid plan after all.

                Tadashi having higher ground paused when he had sight of the loading dock. He witnessed the microbots Hiro had spent the last few weeks slaving over burst from the warehouse windows. A man he recognized as Allister Krei (even from how far away he was he could tell. Callaghan had given him a mask with hyper vision) was striding along them… more like stumbling. Tadashi had an obvious advantage. He remembered how long it took him to get used to the motions as well. Tadashi found himself silently giving his brother some credit for coming up with these. It made a sneak attack on Krei a million times easier than having to go without them.

                His phone went off again. This time it was a text from Hiro.

                - _I forgi DITCH THE BOTS. NOT SAGE-_

Tadashi furrowed his brows at the confusing text. His brother never sent one incorrect text, not with an immediate follow up correction. There wasn’t one. Was Hiro in danger still? That should be impossible. He was with Callaghan.

                He didn’t have time to think this over. Tadashi had to act. He had the microbots lower him behind a cargo hold. He stood behind it, and watched Krei lift off towards the river… He couldn’t get away. He had to restrain him somehow.

                Tadashi wasn’t sure what the microbots would do if they were to come in contact with Krei’s, but he wouldn’t be able to make it over to him in time without them. So, he compromised. Instead of bringing his whole body over… He would just use to microbots to reel him. And as soon as he did that a look of horror painted over his face, as he watched the explosion happen less than a hundred feet away from him. There was no way Krei was going to survive… A searing hot pain washed over Tadashi as he tried to make a run for it himself. He threw off the neurotransmitter as he flew back, and hit the ground hard. His instinct would have been to keep on running, but everything went from blindingly bright to pitch black in just a fraction of a second; leading him into the oblivion of unconsciousness.

                                                                                                                --

                There was so much to tell the police. Callaghan was in custody after Wasabi had heard the commotion, he was able to intervene the hostage situation that had been created. Luckily, Hiro and his Aunt remained unharmed. Hiro was hooked up to an IV to force nutrients back into his body, and he had to work up to having an actual appetite again. Tadashi was safe too. A little worse condition, being in the burn unit. He was lucky though, just a few broken ribs, and his back was covered in second degree burns (border lining third degree). He was in a lot of pain, but he was in good care. And physical therapy helped him through. Honey-Lemon almost never left Tadashi’s side. Hiro had walked in several times with her holding his hand, or running his fingers through his hair. Though Hiro was jealous, it made him feel better that Tadashi spent most of his time sleeping when she was at his bedside. The times it hurt the most was when he was awake, and she had managed to get a smile or even a laugh out of him.

                One night, when Hiro was finally IV-less, and eating better. He was able to visit Tadashi. They had been speaking these last couple of weeks since the incident, but it was never in private. There was still so much Hiro had pent up inside. There was still so much they needed to talk over. Now that Tadashi had had some time to heal… Hiro felt ready. Or almost ready. First he needed something to calm his nerves. Hiro had wandered outside of the hospital, and found a spot in the parking ramp to take a couple hits from his pipe. When he felt that familiar relaxing sensation take over him he wandered back inside, relieving Honey Lemon of her duties of looking after him. When she pulled apart from resting her head on Tadashi’s shoulder it woke him.

                “You’re leaving?” he asked, and Hiro cringed when he heard the disappointment in his voice. But he smiled when his eyes laid on Hiro.

                “Ah I see its Hiro’s shift now. Have a good night Honey-Lemon.” Tadashi spoke, his voice groggy.

                “Good night, Tadashi.” Honey ran her fingers through his hair, and kissed his temple before exiting the room.

                “You guys really don’t have to make sure I’m looked after twenty four seven… I mean there’s a call button here for a reason. Besides. I can get up on my own now, jeaz.” Tadashi started off casually scooting to sit up to prove a point, but ended up wincing then immediately sinking back into his pillows.

                “It’s been two weeks, and you can piss on your own now, congrats.” Hiro laughed, taking a seat next to him. He took in a deep breath. It’s been long enough. Hiro needed to break this act. He needed to _talk_ to Tadashi.

                “Thanks,” Tadashi laughed. He reached his hand out, and traced little circles on Hiro’s bicep with the pad of his thumb.

                “I’m glad you’re ok—” the two of them spoke simultaneously, then broke out into a quiet laughter together.

                Hiro made sure to look at his brother seriously. “I don’t even know how we even made it through these hellish months, but we did.”

                “Yeah. We did.” Tadashi’s voice was dry, so Hiro handed him his cup of water. Tadashi accepted the offer taking a few sips gratefully.

                “I’ve had a lot of time to think.” Hiro spoke up to fill the silence. “About us…”

                “Hiro we can’t—”

                “We’re going to talk about this. You don’t have the right to take that from me.” Hiro interrupted forcefully. It was harsh, but Hiro needed to be in control, and influenced by his _own_ words for once. Maybe Tadashi wouldn’t understand, but pot gave him the confidence to do that.

                “I can’t deny my feelings for you. I can’t deny they’re wrong. I can’t deny that despite that, it feels… right... to be close to you.” He took in a deep breath. That’s it. Breathe. Keep talking. Say everything. “I know what happened to you. I know you had a lot of issues with it, and the way you coped was deflecting it all on to me.”

                Tadashi opened up his mouth to talk, but Hiro held his hand up.

                “Tadashi.” He looked behind him, and saw the door was closed. He crawled into his brother’s lap carefully, making sure to keep his pressure on his thighs, and not on his back or ribs. Even though they were healing, they still needed time to rest.

                “I have to show you something.” He slowly unzipped his hoodie, and went on to his other layers pulling off his red tshirt, then off went his long sleeve undershirt. Hiro was topless, and his scarred arm was exposed.

                “Each dash represents a day you didn’t speak to me after Aunt Cass kicked you out.” He sucked in his breath, pointing out the deepest one that turned a dark purple. “That one was on my birthday.”

                Tadashi cringed. “Hiro—” his voice was hoarse, and he reached for his arm idly brushing his thumb over the scars.

                Hiro tensed slightly at his touch, but slipped his clothes back on quickly before Tadashi could dwell on them for too long.

                “There’s more.” He hid his face in Tadashi’s neck as he unzipped his pants. He forced the older one’s hand down them letting his fingers trail over his marked up thighs.

                “These happened way before the ones on my arm. I started cutting myself…” his voice trailed away knowing this was going to be the hardest part. “I had to have been like twelve? I found out you were touching me... that it was you leaving hickies on me. I probably knew longer than that. I-I just was in complete denial. I convinced myself they were just really vivid dreams. Or I would block the whole thing out entirely.” Tadashi’s finger ran over a scar that was more raised then the rest. Hiro closed his eyes feeling a phantom pain he could not suppress.

                “That one was infected for _weeks._ ” He shuddered. “I didn’t know what I was doing I was just… I was so _confused._ ” He cupped his hands in Tadashi’s face who winced.

                “Tadashi. I convinced myself I was the one who had bad thoughts. That I was the one wanting you. I was twelve when I decided I was in love with you.” He took in a deep breath. “I still _am._ ”

                “How can you be?” Tadashi removed his hand from his thigh withdrawing completely, and Hiro watched as he clenched his fist.

                “I did this to you. I had no idea Hiro that you knew… that you were hurting yourself.”

                Hiro grabbed his hand, bringing it back to where he had just removed himself from. Except now he placed Tadashi’s hand against his bulge.

                “Do I have to be asleep for you to want to do it again?” he questioned his voice filled with a venom he had no idea he had been hiding.

                “Hiro—”Tadashi’s hand flinched, but his brother had a near death grip on his wrist, and rutted against him forcefully.

                “Do you like it when I do this?” Hiro asked. “Are you satisfied with me, Tadashi?”

                “Hiro stop, please.” Tadashi whispered. “You’re upset. I upset you. I’m sorry…”

                “No, you don’t get to play nice guy. Tadashi. You don’t get to do that.” Hiro tugged at the waistband of his briefs, and pulled his dick free.

                “Touch me.” Hiro demanded. “Touch me damn it.”

                Tadashi shook his head not being able to breathe. He eyed the red call button, and Hiro laughed at him.

                “Fuck you for even looking at that. Do you really want the nurse to see us like this?” he ground his hips against his thigh. “Would it help if I started you off first? You selfish prick.”

                “Hiro. I love you. Don’t do this. I’m not—I didn’t mean to… do this to you… please.”

                Hiro felt his eyes sting, as tears threatened to fall. “What did you _mean_ to do to me then, Tadashi? Please enlighten me.”

                Then… the younger one squeaked, and Tadashi was doing it. He started stroking the younger one feverishly.

                “Is this what _you_ want, Hiro?” Tadashi asked turning the tables on him. “You already seem to know _exactly_ what I want. So now it’s your turn isn’t it? Tell me Hiro. What do you want from me? This?” he squeezed him, and Hiro hovered forward resting his forearms on either side of Tadashi’s head.

                “Ye…yeah.” Hiro’s voice was deep. “I want you to fuck me in this hospital bed. Don’t worry… I can do all the work from up here.”

                Tadashi smirked, and nipped at his jaw. “You’re so twisted little brother.”

                “Just a spitting image of my big brother. Mom and Dad, would be so proud.”

                “Watch that mouth of yours.” Tadashi warned taking Hiro’s hand and slipping it up his ridiculous hospital gown.

                “Were you awake the time I had you touch _me,_ Hiro?” he asked, his voice was lowered and unlike his usual self. Hiro’s heart leaped into his throat. He wasn’t awake for that one. There was still so much he didn’t know. He wanted to curl himself into a ball, and hide. Maybe this really was a terrible idea after all.  

                He shook his head, and his hand twitched when he felt the older one’s hard on. “Oh…?” he asked trying not to sound so nervous.

                “I can smell the pot on you.” Tadashi laughed cynically, “You’re so high and mighty aren’t you, Hiro? You think you have everything figured out don’t you?”

                Hiro swallowed, as Tadashi stroked him faster.

                “It’s my turn to talk, you little brat.” And Hiro whined helplessly as Tadashi had him stroke his hard on to an offbeat rhythm to what he was receiving.

                “I’m so madly in love with you. I would never want you hurt or upset.” Tadashi spoke harshly despite what he was saying. “I only want to whisper sweet little nothings into your ear, and hold you in my arms… That’s all I ever wanted.” As Tadashi continued on his voice cracked. “I just wanted to protect you, and be yours, and you mine. I just wanted to live in a perfect little bubble with you.” Tadashi kept going, and Hiro was on the verge of coming into his brother’s hand. And it would be the most tension he would ever be able to release at once than any amount of pot would ever be able to do for him.

                “I popped that bubble. The thing I wanted most, I destroyed it.” Tadashi was crying, but he didn’t stop. “All I want is for you to be happy. I wont ever be able to make you happy.”

                “You’re wrong.” Hiro was crying too, and he was feeling so many things at once. Hatred, anger, and confidence were all fading, making room for all these other emotions he struggled to understand.

                “If you want me to be happy… Then stop letting Honey Lemon touch you and kiss you. You’re _mine._ I deserve you more. I love you more. I _need_ you more. Tadashi. You’re my only _chance_ at happiness.” Hiro was willingly stroking his brother now, and it caught the older one off guard.

                “Tell me about when I first touched you here…” Hiro whispered into his ear.

                “It wasn’t much… I— you… you were having a dream where you were calling for me… And those always got me going the most. I knew what I was doing is what caused them, and I was just as proud of that as I was ashamed… that I have done all of this to you.” Tadashi whimpered, as Hiro squeezed his balls experimenting while he could.

                “I just had you touch… then I stroked imagining your hand, and then I had your hand in my other hand… and I just let everything build up.”

                “How old was I?”

                “You were nine.”

                Hiro shivered. “How often… did it happen…?”

                “Sometimes I would multiple times in a week. But then I could go months without it. Those were the times I would say to myself never again… But that never lasted. The summer is when I would do it most I think…” Tadashi’s face was red, and Hiro was so close to coming.

                “A-ah… I am yours Tadashi, right… even now? We’re not going to stop are we?”

                Tadashi didn’t answer him at all. Hiro felt all the tension leave his body suddenly feeling like an anvil, he made a spot for himself curled up at Tadashi’s side.

                “I didn’t mean to say such horrible things just now. I just wanted to break down that wall. Those bad things I thought if I said them… I would realize how ridiculous they were…” Hiro kissed Tadashi’s throat, and he nodded quietly.

                “Did you ever blow me in my sleep?” Tadashi nearly choked at that question.

                “N-no…” Tadashi finally responded, but Hiro wondered if he was lying.

                “I came close once… I had left marks all over your neck, and chest… But I could just never get passed groping you from the outside.”

                Hiro hummed remembering. “Then when I was thirteen, you finally broke. The day before I graduated. You just did it, and I-I let you because I knew about the other stuff. Maybe not all of it, but I figured out most of it… It was the first time I had solid evidence that I wasn’t crazy.”

                When Tadashi spilled over, Hiro had to improvise to clean them up. Rags worked. Wet Paper towels. Then the garbage bin it all went.

                He went to lay next to his brother again, his arm dangling across his midsection.

                “So… am I off the hook for smoking?” Hiro asked, and his brother laughed lazily, still post sex-high.

                “Not a chance, Hiro.” Tadashi spoke.

                “Are you going to spank me?” Hiro prodded.

                “Shut up, I swear to god.”

                “Tie me up and whip me with a belt?”

                Tadashi groaned. “I don’t like this conversation. I am not… do you really think I want to hurt you? Haven’t I damaged you enough?”

                Hiro swallowed, “I was just joking. Jeaz Tadashi.” But he was right though. Bad joke.

                He kissed the older one’s jaw to try to make up for it. “I wont smoke anymore.”

                “You’re damn right you wont.” Tadashi responded bitterly.  

                “You still haven’t answered me.” Hiro brought up holding back a yawn.

                “Hm?” Tadashi hummed in return, lazily tracing circles on his arm with the pad of his thumb.

                “Are we going to be together?” he asked quietly.

                Tadashi sighed, and Hiro clung to his side with more force. “Tadashi?”

                He felt his face scrunch together, and tilted his head up to look at him.

                “I just don’t know if I can give you the answer you are looking for.”

                Hiro loosened up his grip moving to sit up, but Tadashi grabbed his arm before he could leave fully.

                “I don’t have an answer.” Tadashi replied. “I’ve disappointed you so much I don’t want to give you false hope, and hurt you all over again.”

                Hiro had to bite back the urge to say something snippy in return. He relaxed his shoulder, not turning back to face Tadashi just yet. He looked at his feet dangling from the hospital bed.

                “Honey Lemon.” He spoke quietly, and Tadashi ignored him tugging at his arm to pull him back in.

                “Do you want to be with her instead?” He asked, and he had been reeled back into his brother’s arms.

                The silence between them was over bearing, but then he could feel the older one’s lips pressed against his. Hiro whined helplessly. The kiss was meant to last just a moment, Tadashi only meant it to be a small kiss. But when their tongues collided, the kiss he didn’t _mean_ to ignite grew passionate. Lots of thoughts raced through his mind… how he didn’t mean to do a lot of things, but still somehow managed to do them anyway.

_Making eyes at this husk around my heart_

_I see through you when we’re sitting in the dark_

_So give me your filth_

_Make it rough_

_Let me let me trash your love_


	17. Moving Forward

**Warning:** This chapter contains a character death.

**Chapter 17//** Moving Forward.

                One step forward for Tadashi, was like five steps back for Hiro. A pulley effect of trying to maintain a friendship, but creating a defined boundary that could no longer be crossed. A boundary for Tadashi was a cement wall for Hiro. And he was stuck on the wrong side.

                The only thing that made his actions (or rather inactions), something he could live with was the hope that one day Hiro would understand. One day, Hiro would understand this tough decision he made was _for_ him.

                Tadashi was fortunate to have the friends he did, because Fred and Wasabi graciously allowed him to move back in with them. Now that his friends were aware something was up with him, they looked after him better. At first it felt a little silly, because Tadashi was so used to being on their end. Being the one to look after someone else. He would continuously insist that he didn’t need them to be so protective over him. But at the end of each day, he was thankful that they did. They made for good distractions, anyways.

                It wasn’t like he was _intentionally_ ignoring his little brother after all. He would stop over for dinner once a week, and he would stay later if he could. But his aunt was very good about making up excuses for pushing him out the door just before bedtime. Tadashi knew it was for the better, and honestly… he felt happier. Well, maybe not _happier,_ but that he could actually live with himself now.

                In fact, Tadashi did try to see him other places. At school, but Hiro’s truancies turned into dropping out. He also dropped by the soup kitchen they volunteered for, but Tadashi learned that Hiro hadn’t come since before he had been held hostage by Krei.

                Tadashi made it a point to go, though. He somehow felt the most connected to his little brother when he went there. Mostly, because the people there would ask about him often.

                One night, a girl around his age came up to him after overhearing somebody else asking how his brother was doing.

                “Hiro was your brother? How is he doing?” she asked him, and Tadashi shrugged.

                “I mean, he’s still shaken from everything. But I am sure he’ll be back to his normal self soon.” He responded offering her a reassuring smile. Then she offered her hand, and introduced herself as _Bea._ A girl Hiro had saved awhile back. Tadashi stiffened at his version of the memory. Storming into a hospital room, seeing his brother bruised up; a brother who was feeling suffocated, and trapped. Tadashi felt a string of emotions that all stemmed from guilt. Guilt for trying to _act_ like a good brother. Guilt for clinging to his brother, and trying to control his life. At the time, he thought he was just protecting him… looking out for what was best for Hiro. But now when he thought about it, about all the things he did; he honestly felt a bit sick.

                Then he realized he was thinking about all of this in front of a girl who he was having a conversation with. She had said something about Hiro, something along the lines about being too stubborn to let himself be in a rut for too long.

                “Yeah, that’s Hiro for you…” his voice trailed away.

                “He’ll come around. It would take a lot more than a man like Allister Krei to break his spirit.” Bea spoke patting his shoulder. “Just keep being the awesome older brother you are, and he’ll be back with in the month.”

                Tadashi nodded, and waved good-bye. It was interactions like that that made his day harder to continue with his usual pep. It didn’t help that with in the same day, he bumped into that kid Max they had met over Christmas Eve. The one Hiro had given his megabot to. The way he beamed at Tadashi, and asked about Hiro, hearing the joy in his voice when he mentioned Hiro. It made Tadashi want to break out into tears in that moment. But still, he made efforts to come back often.

                Then dinner at Aunt Cass’s ended up being dinner for two over the next few weeks. Hiro refused to come down when he knew Tadashi was coming over.

                “Does he come down on other nights?” Tadashi asked her, and she nodded slowly.

                “Not every night, but when he feels up to it.” She told him.

                “Can I…” but his sentence fell flat when her eyes widened.

                “You’re doing the right thing, Tadashi.” She told him, and he nodded silently.

                _He’s up there._ Tadashi thought heavily, _he’s up there… sad and lonely… all because I have to be the right thing._

When Tadashi left that night, he desperately wanted to find a way for the two of them to talk privately, but he knew he wasn’t ready for that kind of contact yet. At this point, he would only be stringing Hiro along, and the two of them would eventually find themselves back at square one. This distance was for the best.

                But was doing the best for someone okay when it was doing the opposite of what Hiro had asked his brother _not_ to do the last time they spoke? Was it okay to classify it as the best thing for them, when it wasn’t what they wanted? Nonetheless. Tadashi _needed_ someone to hold on to. He needed a friend that could get him through this. He hated to admit it, but Honey Lemon made him _feel_ normal… even if he wasn’t. He could confide in her about a lot of things. Stuff like, how responsible he felt to save Abigail even though he had no idea how. Especially now with Krei dead, and no one wanting to pursue his risky project… How would he ever be able to keep a promise like that?

                Honey Lemon helped subside the guilt. She was very insightful, and talented. Tadashi could do this. He could love her. He could love someone other than Hiro. He could move on. There were things he was able to focus on with her in his life that he wasn’t able to work on before. Now that he had a life that society approved of. He could look at life from a new angle.

_I will sing to you every day_

_If it will take away the pain_

_Oh and I’ve heard you got it, got it so bad_

_'Cause I am the best you’ll never have_

 

                A lot can happen in three years. More than Tadashi would care to admit. Hiro, being eighteen, and Tadashi twenty three. Not many words had been spoken between the two brothers in that time. It wasn’t abrupt. More like a slow fizzling out. Tadashi would try. Honestly he did. He _tried_ to keep in contact, but between the barrier his Aunt created and the clear boundary he too had set. The brothers were at a standstill. Neither of them were getting anywhere with each other. This was his life now.

                Wanting a life geared to being a part of the solution rather than the problem, he created _Baymax._ A robotic nurse. In the beginning there was a struggle making something so complex. But in the end he managed to create this robot made of vinyl with over ten thousand medical procedures. This healthcare companion would come to save many lives. It was a long journey, but Tadashi was proud to see that dream come true. The only thing that got him down, was that he was never able to show it to Hiro personally.

                He knew that Aunt Cass probably told Hiro all about Baymax. When he didn’t see his little brother over the holidays he often asked his Aunt what he was up to. What he didn’t expect to hear was that Hiro had joined a volunteer group, and was going to be traveling the world to help advance technology in less fortunate places. A stroke of pride waved through him, and also a bit of sadness. The sudden urge to pack up his things to join him surged through him, but he kept that to himself. He would only hold Hiro back at this point.

                “Tell him, tell him I wish him the best… Will you?” Tadashi asked his Aunt one night over the phone, and she assured him in response that she would do that. So Hiro was leaving, and the wave of relief and sadness Tadashi felt was unbearable.

Later that night after the phone call with his aunt, he laid his head in Honey Lemon’s lap as they lazed around watching the SCIFI channel together.

                “Oh we _have_ to throw him a good-bye party.” She insisted after he caught her up on Aunt Cass’s latest news.

                “He won’t want anything to do with it if he knows I’m involved.” He looked up noticing her frown.

                “I just don’t get it. I don’t understand why you two can’t be civil for one day.”

                “I told you, Honey. I want nothing more than to make amends… But Hiro’s stubborn. I don’t think he will ever want to speak to me again.” Tadashi sighed.

                “But, why? I just. You never say why.” Honey pressed which caused Tadashi’s face to scrunch together.

                “I was too much. Always getting on his case. I was like an over protective parent. He said it himself at one point… I suffocated him. I don’t blame him for wanting nothing to do with me. I never meant to be as hard on him as I was. I guess I went too far with it.” Tadashi responded.

                Honey nodded. “That was all so long ago. He’s an adult now, maybe… maybe he’s over it by now. When’s the last time you _really_ tried talking to him? Like alone?” she asked, and Tadashi shrugged.

                “It’s been awhile. I don’t think it makes a difference at this point. He would have to come to me for it to really work.” Tadashi replied, not sure why she was trying to press this so much right now. It really had been a long time since Honey Lemon mentioned trying to make amends with Hiro. Usually, she dropped it a lot quicker than this.

                “Well maybe, we can’t wait around for that.” She snapped back, and Tadashi sat up when he realized how serious she sounded.

                “Honey Lemon listen… I can’t push this with him. It’s not my decision.”  

                “I’m pregnant, Tadashi.” She blurted out of nowhere. “I know we wanted to wait until after our wedding. And we weren’t going to be doing that until next year. I don’t want to look fat in my wedding dress… I thought we would have time for him to come around but you have to make up with Hiro now, so he can be your best man at our wedding. I know you want him to be. I just would hate for you two to not be able to make up in time for that…”

                “Honey, honey. Breathe sweetie. Just breathe okay?” he spoke slowly, and rubbed her shoulders consolingly. He waited for her to take a deep breath in, and then he smiled.

                “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” he asked feeling tears well up in the corner of his eyes. He took her hand in his, feeling the medal of her ring cool against his skin as he interlocked their fingers.

                “It was so much sooner than we planned.” She mentioned shaking her head frantically. “I don’t know. This is crazy right? I know we’re engaged, but I still can’t believe it. We’re going to have a baby.” She took off her glasses to wipe the corner of her eyes, and that’s when Tadashi pulled her into a bone crushing hug.

                “I’m so happy Honey. We’re going to have a little family together. I know we didn’t plan it to be so quick, but I’m really _really_ happy.” He told her while attempting to hold back a sniffle. She nodded too, letting out an exasperated laugh.

                “Me too, I love you so much baby.”

                The life Tadashi never meant to have with Honey Lemon was actually happening. They had been engaged for a couple of months, and now this. There were no words to describe how shocked he was that his life had changed what seemed so abruptly. He thought about what Honey Lemon had said too, how she knew Tadashi would want Hiro there as his best man. Though, she was absolutely right, and no matter how right she may have been, he knew that getting Hiro to even be at his wedding would be impossible. Honestly, Tadashi was afraid to invite Hiro to his wedding at all. He wasn’t afraid that the younger brother would make a scene. Not that at all. He was worried about himself. He was worried that on the off chance his brother did decide to show up, Tadashi wouldn’t be able to say the two most important words of the night: _I do._

                He wasn’t sure how she was able to pull it off, but by the end of that week he was standing in his Aunt Cass’s back yard. An outdoor tent was pitched up, with fold out tables and chairs. Decorative lights were hung around the yard. A nice meal was prepared, music playing, people dancing. A surprisingly quaint night, for Hiro’s “surprise” good-bye party. When his younger brother walked out into the yard he put on his best “you got me” face. Tadashi could tell that it was staged because Hiro was dressed too nicely to not have known. His usually tussled hair, was combed to one side. Also seeing him in a tie was a bit strange. His brother looked so sophisticated. Maybe the fact that he was taller now too… Tadashi soaked it all in despite himself. There were so many words hanging on the tip of his tongue, but they remained unspoken as he had Honey Lemon at his side nearly the whole time.

They socialized with pretty much everyone (Hiro included); and were some of the last people still lingering late at night. Honey Lemon offered to help his Aunt with gathering dishes, and putting away left overs. Tadashi offered to take down the tent, and Hiro stayed back to help as well. For the first time in three years were the two of them alone together.

                “I can’t believe it. You’re going to travel the world…” Tadashi brought up, as he worked on dismantling the tent.

                “Yep. And you’re getting married.” Hiro replied, his voice not quite as enthusiastic, but still Tadashi appreciated the acknowledgement.

                “And… a kid. We’re having a baby. Honey Lemon’s pregnant.” Tadashi revealed clearing his throat that was closing up on him towards the end.

                “Oh. Nice. Congrats.” The younger one spoke, his sentences were nearly fragments, and Tadashi felt his heart throb painfully.

                “I’m sorry.” Tadashi said finally, and the other laughed quietly.

                “I said I’m sorry.” He repeated, and Hiro looked back at him.

                “Okay.” He replied.

                “Okay?” Tadashi questioned, not sure what he was expecting. Maybe he shouldn’t have said anything.

                “Why are you sorry?” Hiro wondered. “What _exactly_ are you apologizing for?”

                Tadashi bit his bottom lip unsurely. “Everything… I’m sorry about everything.”

                “Okay.” Hiro repeated, and Tadashi just about broke right there.

                “Why are you just saying okay? It’s not okay!” Tadashi hissed, but had to be careful not to raise too much alarm.

                Hiro scratched the back of his neck, looking down at the grass then back at his brother. “I didn’t say it is okay. I just… said okay. As in, _Okay I acknowledge you are sorry for choosing her over me. I acknowledge that you think you are being genuine._ Not okay, as in _it’s okay Tadashi. It’s okay I forgive you._ Because that’s not what I am saying.”

                Tadashi inhaled sharply wishing he had more to say. “Do you like the life you have now?”

                Hiro blinked, “Do I what?”

                “Are you happy with what you’re doing?” Tadashi asked.

                “What? So you can take credit for being a selfless, worldly brother? To ease your guilt in abandoning me? To tell you that I’m healthier without our toxic relationship that _you_ started and ended on your own terms?” Hiro laughed, “Am I better off without you? Is that what you’re asking?”

                “Yes.” Tadashi replied.

                “Of course I’m not. But I don’t get to have a say.” Hiro dismissed with a glare. “I never got to have a say. And you’re asking me now, when it’s too late if you did the right thing? Well I guess you did the right thing if you care about everyone else’s opinion.”

                “I want yours. I want your opinion.” Tadashi insisted.

                “No you don’t.” Hiro answered quietly. “You don’t want my opinion.”

                “Hiro—”

                “Seriously? Tadashi. Stop.” Hiro exhausted, but the older one already had his wrist.

                “Have you really grown to hate me that much?” he asked.

                Hiro shook his head furiously. “God. You just don’t get it.” He looked over his shoulder to make sure his Aunt or Honey Lemon weren’t about to come out. When it was clear, he grabbed the back of Tadashi’s head and pressed their lips together.

                Tadashi was thrown off guard, but he allowed it. He closed his eyes, and parted his lips for Hiro. The younger one prodded against his tongue for a brief moment before snapping his head back.

                “This isn’t about me.” Hiro whispered. “I’m leaving so you can have your life. Your family.”

                Before he could stop himself Tadashi cupped Hiro’s face gently in his hands. He opened his mouth to speak, but when he saw his younger brother’s expression he frowned.

                “You don’t have to do that.” Tadashi scolded, “If this isn’t what you want to do… You shouldn’t just leave because of me. I know you Hiro and—”

                “You know me?” Hiro scoffed despite himself. “You don’t know anything about me. I’m not the same person I was three years ago. Even then I wasn’t the person you hold dear to your heart. I’m _not_ who you think I am. You’re image of me is of a little boy who helplessly depends on his big brother. That’s not… That’s not who I am.”

                Tadashi dropped his hands from his face, “I never thought you were helpless.” He defended, but the look on Hiro’s face suggested that maybe he really didn’t know his little brother like he thought.

                “You have no clue.” Hiro went on. “You haven’t even tried to talk to me or…”

                “That’s not true Hiro.” Tadashi said all too quickly. “I tried, you were the one who closed yourself off.”

                Hiro shook his head livid at the accusation, “Like talking in front of Aunt Cass counts for anything. You just soaked up her words like a sponge. Let her be your guide. ‘Hiro’s doing great without you’ ‘He just needs time away from you. Give it time, Tadashi.’ You just ate it up, her buffet of lies because you had to convince yourself you were doing the right thing.”

                Tadashi crossed his arms. “What was I supposed to do, Hiro? Risk everything and go to prison?”

                “The hemming on one of my old hoodies came loose, and I found out you were tracking me. That’s how you were able to always track me down after a bot fight. I spent over a year trying to lure you to places. But you just stopped looking! You just… you just did your own thing. You would come home talk to Aunt Cass ask how I was. You’d listen to her bullshit lies, then you’d go back to your girlfriend. Don’t worry though Tadashi. I’m _fine._ ” He scoffed. “I gave up on you over a year ago. So don’t worry. I’m over it now.”

                Tadashi felt his heart rip into pieces. He disabled the tracker on his phone so long ago he had forgotten. Hiro was right… he just used Aunt Cass as a source of keeping tabs on Hiro.

                “What happened to you being the one who felt suffocated, huh?” Tadashi questioned.

                “So you never did get over that, did you?” Hiro shook his head. “That was before everything was out in the open. I was scared. We never talked about what happened the day I graduated. You were going about as though it never happened at all. I didn’t know what to think…This is so stupid. None of this even matters anymore.”  

                Tadashi groaned not knowing how else to deal with all this. “It matters. Don’t act like it doesn’t. We have to… we have to get this all out now.”

                Hiro raised an eyebrow at him. “You’re fucking joking right? You know you have the worst timing.”

                “I want to be your brother. I want you to be the best man at my wedding. I want you to be my friend. I want… I want us to be okay.” Tadashi confided.

                The younger one had no words. There was an anger bubbling inside of him, and he wanted to scream. He wanted to hit something… So he did. He formed a fist, and socked Tadashi right in the face.

                “Fuck you and what you want.” Hiro spat. “Go ahead. Go marry Honey Lemon, have a baby, buy a nice house, and live a picket fence life with your 2.5 kids, and make the best of it. _Really_ make the best of it Tadashi. Get a dog, love your trophy wife. Love your son or daughter or whatever. Make a difference with your big dumb brain of yours. Positively impact all the lives you can. And maybe, just maybe you can forget about the one person you can’t make a difference for. When you go to bed at night you can kiss your wife and kids, and sleep knowing you got to live a normal life. Go do that. Go right ahead. But I want no fucking part of it.” Hiro huffed, taking a few steps back as Tadashi nursed his cheek in to his hand.

                “So that’s how you feel.” Tadashi spoke simply. “You’re not even going to try to understand… Hiro I could have went to prison for everything I had done to you. I _should_ have went to prison.”

                “We could have took off Tadashi. All you had to do was wait three more dumb years. And look now here they are. I am still taking off, and you… you are staying here.” Hiro cleared his throat. “No one had to know what we were doing.”

                Tadashi shook his head, “What kind of life would that have been for us? I wouldn’t have been able to keep you happy…”

                Hiro snorted, “You don’t know that. You don’t know because you just got to decide everything. I didn’t ask for this you know. I didn’t ask for any of this.”

                The older one opened his mouth to refute, but found that he couldn’t. “This wasn’t easy for me to do. I did this so you could have a chance.”

                Hiro shrugged, “Okay then. I’m taking it, and leaving. Going as far from you as possible, and whatever life I have will be on my terms. And I don’t want you to have anything to do with it.”

                Tadashi’s heart wrenched, this wasn’t what he wanted, but he knew he had to let him go. He had to accept that he no longer got to have a say in how this panned out. “I guess that’s how it’s going to be then. I wish you the best, I want the best for you. I really really do, Hiro… I love you. Please don’t forget that.”

                “That’s one thing you won’t have to worry about.” Hiro cleared his throat, when the sliding door opened.

“Tadashi darling, we should get going! Hiro’s flight leaves early tomorrow, we should let him rest!”

That was it. The last time Tadashi would see Hiro, and he had just punched him in the face. He adjusted his cap to try to cover it up, as he walked through the house. He was able to pass by Aunt Cass’s radar. However, when they were in the car alone, Honey Lemon instantly noticed the gash on his cheek.

“Tadashi your face.” She gasped. “What happened?”

“Ah. It’s nothing Honey. The tent nicked me when we were taking it down.” he attempted, but even through his peripheral vision he folded under her intense stare.

“I’m fine.” He insisted.

“So you two are okay? It was just an accident right? Did you ask him to be in our wedding?”

Tadashi sighed, “We’re okay. But he still doesn’t want to be in our wedding. He has his own life to lead, and I am not going to hold him back from it.”

“Cass just told me today you two used to be inseparable.”

“Honey Lemon, _please_.” He begged. “I’m trying to let my brother go. He had a rough upbringing with bullying, and with our parents dying at a young age. I just wanted to be a good brother. I don’t know why, but he just resents me for how over protective I was. There’s nothing I can do about it now.” Tadashi’s voice cracked, and he pounded his fist on the steering wheel. He quickly wiped his eyes, but it was too late. He couldn’t take back the outburst.

                “I’m sorry, I really am. But I _tried_. I really did try…”

                “Oh Tadashi. I’m so sorry.” She cooed, rubbing his shoulder softly. He nodded silently, and when the two of them got home he diverted anymore questions about Hiro. Instead he turned the focus on her, starting off with simple touches, and kisses which lead them to their bedroom. When he shut off the lights, the rest was just an act. According to Hiro at least, that’s what Tadashi was… one hell of an actor. If that was the case, he might as well play the role. The role of a good husband, and father.

                _Just fake it, and eventually it will just become who you are._

Maybe in the beginning it felt like what he had with Honey wasn’t real, but as the years went on he was able to believe in the life that he now had. Being a father to their newborn Hikaru Hamada, their baby boy. Such a small life form was now his responsibility. He remembered feeling a similar weight on his shoulders at a much younger age. When his parents passed away, and he had his little brother he needed to protect. This time he would get it right. With Honey Lemon at his side, the more confident he was about everything. As unnerving as it was, there were no words to describe how life changing it was to have a son. Somebody he would watch grow into their own, and would need him less and less along the way… It was terrifying.

                Before he knew it, it was his boy’s first day of kindergarten. Diaper changing days were just behind him, and Hikaru had just lost his first baby tooth.

                “Everyone is going to think I look stupid.” Hikaru whined that night they had put his tooth under the pillow for the tooth fairy.

                “Don’t be silly, all kids your age are going to be losing their teeth. To make room for the adult ones like Daddy and I have.” Honey explained, as they went through their nightly ritual. Bed time story, wind down, and then sleep.

                “ADULT TEETH?” Hikaru gaped, “But I’m only five. I’m not ready to be an adult yet mommy!”

                “Don’t worry kiddo, it takes a long time for _all_ your teeth to fall out. It happens little by little, and even then when you do have all your new teeth, you’ll still be a kid. It’s just what they call your teeth, since they are the ones you will have when you grow into an adult.” Tadashi added, hoping that would help his little boy understand better.

                “Does that mean I’m going to be like the dragon Toothless?” he asked with wide eyes. “Am I going to breathe fire?”

                “Hmm… It does happen to about one percent of children, but it’s really rare.” Tadashi responded, ignoring the nudge in the stomach he received from his wife.

                “Whaaat.” Hikaru touched the blank space his mouth was now sporting. “How will I know if I can breathe fire or not?”

                “Well. You’ll have to see when you bite into your toast tomorrow morning. If it ends up extra crispy after your first bite, then we will know if you are actually part dragon or not.” Tadashi said grinning ear to ear, but Honey Lemon was not at all impressed.

                “Woah.” The little one exhaled, and then it was time for hugs and kisses. As they left, Honey Lemon flicked off the lights activating Hikaru’s night light. When the door was closed swats Tadashi in the butt, pointing a scolding finger at him.

                “He’s going to think he’s a dragon for at least a month now.” Honey Lemon sighed.

                “Let him think it. He’s only going to have that imagination for only a little bit longer.” Tadashi responded casually, dipping his wife into a chaste kiss.

                She giggled, and then let another, but longer sigh as they cuddled up on the couch together. “I just worry you know, that you are trying _too_ hard to make sure you’re not hard on him.”

                “If you’re referring to how I treated my brother, than yes. I will never treat our son how I treated Hiro.” He said, not able to even pretend to hide the disgust he had with himself in that moment.

                “But darling… you know… none of it was your fault. The decisions Hiro made weren’t your fault. Your Aunt told me about him smoking pot, and his illegal bot fighting. Those were all his choices, but even he is doing better these days. Did you hear, he’s coming back to visit? Aunt Cass said he’s excited to meet his nephew.”

                Tadashi hummed in thought. “I don’t know if that’s such a good idea. The last time I spoke to Hiro was when he left over five years ago. I somehow doubt he’s as excited as my Aunt says.”

                “Well, maybe it just took that time apart for your brother to do some maturing. I know he was always really smart, intelligent really. But he was still very young. No matter how adult he may have thought he was he still had a brain developing inside of him making connections that still weren’t made. Maybe you two will finally be able to be brothers again now that he’s had his time away.”

                “That really _really_ does sound nice, love. It really does.” He spoke gently, “but I don’t want you to get your hopes up about it. If he’s coming to visit. He probably just misses the crap out of our Aunt, and sure maybe he wants to meet his nephew, but that doesn’t mean he wants to see me.”

                Honey folded her arms stubbornly. “Just try to keep an open mind about it. It would really mean a lot to me for our son to have an uncle actively in his life.”

                “I mean, I want the same thing, but I can’t push Hiro to get to know his nephew if he doesn’t want to.”

                “Hiro’s a good kid. I just… I know he had a lot to deal with. And on top of all that when he was kidnapped, god that was so scary and I can’t believe he made it through that… I wanted to be able to help him through it. Can you imagine the post-traumatic stress he’s probably had to deal with? Why on Earth would he want to face that all alone?” As Honey Lemon inquired these things, Tadashi tried coaxing her into kisses. But she pulled away. For the first time she noticed her husband was deflecting. And then, another realization that this was definitely not the first time he has done this when a conversation made him uncomfortable.

                “ _Tadashi_. I’m trying to talk to you about this.” Honey Lemon said firmly, and he sighed pressing his forehead into the crook of her neck.

                “Okay.” He replied quietly. “What do you want me to say?”

                “I don’t know. I just feel like there’s something you aren’t telling me. How can Hiro still be on good terms with his Aunt but not you? I mean he’s even responded to my letters I’ve sent.”

                “You have been writing to him?” Tadashi pressed, sitting up furrowing his brows at her.

                “Yes, and he has done a lot of cool things since he’s gone on this adventure that he’s been referring to as finding himself.”

                “Does he say anything about me in these letters?” Tadashi wondered, clearing his throat slightly.

                “No, not really.” Honey Lemon mentioned with a frown. “He seems just as keen on avoiding topics surrounding you as you are of him.”

                “I told you, it’s because he wants nothing to do with me. I don’t know how many times or ways I can tell you it. But I just wish you’d understand that, because I really don’t have any control over the situation. You have no idea how much it hurts me that there’s nothing I can do about it.”

                Honey Lemon opened her mouth to speak, then closed it again because suddenly there was an inflating noise.

                The two of them smiled at each other, and saw Tadashi’s first prototype of Baymax trotting over to them.

                “Tadashi, I overheard you saying you are hurt. What seems to be the trouble?” he questioned.

                “It’s nothing, Honey and I are just having a conversation about my brother, Hiro.”

                “Hiro.” Baymax replied back, “I have not met Hiro. How is he doing?”

                “He’s fine Baymax. It’s just that he and I have lost touched.”

                “I can search for his phone number if you would like.” Baymax offered.

                “No no, it’s fine. I’m satisfied with my—”

                “Honey Lemon. You look distressed.” Baymax pointed out, and then proceeded to announce that he will run a scan.

                “Baymax, I’m fine really…” but she was cut off.

                “Does Tadashi know of the elevation of your condition?” Baymax asked.

                “Condition? What condition?” Tadashi quickly pressed.

                Honey’s mouth hung open again, for a brief moment before saying, “Baymax, I’m satisfied with my care.”  

                Baymax blinked, and then walked back to his charging station. There was a long period of silence before Honey Lemon finally fessed up.

                “Tadashi… I have leukemia.” She whispered quietly. “I asked Baymax to keep it a secret when he first scanned me since I’ve been in remission, but it’s been acting up again…”

                Tadashi shook his head not sure what to say. “You have leukemia?” he mumbled, “Why didn’t you ever say anything?”

                “I didn’t want you to worry.” Honey Lemon sighed. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have kept this from you.”

                Tadashi shook his head not sure how to respond from here. “How long… how long do you have?” he asked eyeing her up and down.

                “A couple months maybe.” She reached for his hands, but Tadashi backed away. The reaction wasn’t what she had been expecting. He stood up abruptly, and began to pace around the living room.

                There was so much he needed to process that his body wasn’t allowing it. He held a tight grip on the dining room chair letting out a suffocated sob. This wasn’t what he wanted. Tadashi felt the life he knew crumbling around him. Instead of being strong for his wife, here he was sobbing while Honey Lemon needed him. When he felt her arms around him from behind he shook his head in despair.

                “Our son… he-he can’t just not have you in his life.”

                “He has you, baby.” Honey Lemon cooed. “He’s going to be alright because he has you.”

                Tadashi turned so he could be facing her, and he cupped her face in his hands. “You’re everything to me. I-I can’t lose you too.”

                Honey hugged him tighter, “Well you haven’t lost me yet.”

                Tadashi sighed knowing she was right. And that’s what made the next few months so hard. Every day he would wake up wondering how much more time they had together. Some days, he felt like they had longer than they expected. Others, made the life around him seem that much more hopeless. The weeks where Honey Lemon spent all her time in the hospital had Tadashi on a tight rope wondering— _was this it?_  The times she would come home, the synthetic happiness would only last for so long. Each time, seemingly less and less. He finally learned how to fake strength. He spent a fair amount of his time making more robots like Baymax. His latest developments were revolutionary. With Honey Lemon still around to encourage him, he worked tirelessly, which also helped him put off dealing with what was to come.

                Tadashi did everything he could to be the best husband he could. He used every opportunity he could to bring her flowers, and cook dinner for the family. On the rare occasion she was healthy enough they would go out. He spent a lot of care in making the time they had left together meaningful. One night in particular when the cherry blossoms were in full bloom he rented a row boat for the two of them.

                They talked a lot that night. Tadashi trying his best to not tear up. Over these past years, Honey Lemon had become his rock. He depended on her being around to be able to cope with not getting to have Hiro in his life anymore. Even though it was shoved down his throat by the younger brother that their lives could have been different. Tadashi was set on doing what was best for the both of them, even if it meant Hiro hating him for his decision.

                Maybe what Tadashi felt for Honey Lemon, wasn’t _true_ love. But he did think very highly of her. The affection and feelings for her well-being were definitely there. And the fact they had a son together made him more gravitated to her than he ever thought would be possible. Truthfully, this was probably the closest thing he had to a true love. Had things had been different, had his circumstances been different he might have been able to see her not as a _necessity,_ but someone he could have fallen in love with the right way.

                “Moving forward…” Honey Lemon’s voice rang into his ears, and he felt a few sprinkles of water splash on his face. “You’ll be able to do that won’t you? I need you to be able to move on, and maybe even learn to love somebody else.”

                Tadashi smiled softly, but shook his head. “I want to focus on our son, you know, he’s so young… And he loves you so much. I’m so scared for him. He’s about the age I was when I lost my parents.”

                Honey sighed. “He’ll still have you. He’ll have your aunt, and…” her voice trailed away when Hiro’s name almost came up.

                Tadashi stiffened, but quickly relaxed himself. “You’re right. I just don’t understand how you are so relaxed about this. You’ve been so worried about me… I feel like I’ve been so selfish. You’re spending all this time preparing me for it.”

                Honey Lemon shrugged, “I’m scared. Terrified really, but I’m not going to be the one living with it.” She spoke dryly, and it made Tadashi guilty for deflecting on to her.

                He offered her his jacket when he noticed her lips turning blue. The two of them looked up to the sky as the sun set into the trees, Tadashi took her hand in his as they continued to gaze on.

                “Hikaru will be well loved and cared for. I don’t want you to worry about any of that. He’s going to be okay. I’ll be okay. I mean, we’ll both need time to heal. Most days, I probably will have a hard time getting out of a bed when I turn over to feel the spot next to me cold, and empty…” his voice trailed away, and he had to take a moment to clear his throat.

 

_Baby, you were my picket fence_

_I miss missing you now and then_

_Chlorine kissed summer skin_

_I miss missing you now and then_

_Sometimes before it gets better_

_The darkness gets bigger_

_The person that you’d take a bullet for is behind the trigger_

_Oh We’re fading fast_

_I miss missing you now and then_

She squeezed his hand, and he does the same back. That simple reassurance was going to be what he missed most. The breeze only picked up from there, so they decided to make their way back home. It was but a week later that Honey Lemon passed on. Life as Tadashi knew it would no longer be the way it was. That “Picket Fence” life Hiro told him to enjoy was dissipating, and he was left wondering if it was some strange karma being dealt to him. A force telling him he didn’t deserve the life he had now.

                But whether he deserved it or not, he had no choice but to keep living it. This wasn’t about _just_ himself anymore. He had a son now. A reason to live, because he _needed_ him. Honestly, Tadashi knew he wasn’t emotionally stable enough to take care of his son. He was thankful for his Aunt, who often babysat when he worked, and Hikaru was off from school.

                One night, it had been maybe two weeks since his wife had passed away, that Tadashi sat at the edge of Hikaru’s bed reading to him, _The Hungry Caterpillar._ It was the first time he heard his son’s laugh. His genuine laugh since mom passed away. Honestly, it was the first time Tadashi was able to do the same.

                “Hey daddy.” Hikaru spoke up, after story time was over.

                “Yeah bud?” he questioned, smiling as his son curled up at his side.

                “Why do I only get to see Uncle Hiro when I’m at Auntie’s?” Hikaru wondered.

                “Oh. Uh. Well you see, he lives far away. And he is just visiting for a little while. I guess we could invite him over for dinner this week. Would you want me to do that?” he offered, and his son nodded his grin only growing.

                “So, you like Uncle, huh?” Tadashi asked.

                “Yeah. He said he was sorry about mommy…” Hikaru mumbled, “But he gave me a present!”

                “Can daddy see?” he pried, suddenly very curious as to what Hiro had given to his son.

                “He told me it was a secret.” He whispered.

                “Oh, okay. Are you sure he meant just a secret from strangers?”

                Hikaru shook his head, “Nope. He said to not tell anyone even you.”

                Tadashi’s face fell, and a certain anxiety ran over him. But he knew that he might just be over analyzing.

                “I know Uncle Hiro said not to, but do you want to show me what he gave you? Because you know you don’t have to listen to what he says.”  He assured.

                Hikaru smiled wide. “Okay, I’ll show you, but remember sshhhhh. It’s a secret. Okay?”

                Tadashi nodded, and when his son told him to close his eyes he did. A few seconds later he felt a familiar object in his hand. When he opened his eyes again he couldn’t help but smile.

                “A helicopter?” Tadashi inquired, and his son nodded.

                “Uncle Hiro said he made it for me, and that someone else special to him has the other one.”

                Tadashi handed it back to him, “Well take good care of it then, okay? And don’t worry I won’t tell your uncle that I saw it.”

                Hikaru breathed a sigh of relief. “Thanks Daddy.”

                Tadashi waited until his son was fast asleep before tiptoeing out of the room. He looked outside the window to see it was pouring out. On rare occasions like tonight, he caught himself thinking about his brother. How he used to hate thunderstorms.

                _I wonder if he ever got over that…_ In mid thought he heard a knock on his front door. Tadashi stiffened since he wasn’t expecting anyone. And past nine? Tadashi went to see who was at the door. When he saw a familiar face on their security camera, he quickly opened the door in shock.

                “Hiro?” he greeted, taking in the image of his soaking wet younger brother.

                “Hey, Tadashi...”

_Oh_

_Now and then_

_Now and then_

_Now and then_

 


	18. Eight Years Apart (Final Chapter)

**A/N:** I want to thank everyone who stuck through this fic with me. It really means a lot.Enjoy the final chapter of Picket Fence.

 

**Chapter 18//** Eight Years Apart.

Hiro was hopeful. Hopeful that he and Tadashi would wind up together again. They had finally let out all their bad feelings out at the hospital. And even though, even _though_ Tadashi had an uneasy expression whenever Hiro came to visit, he knew he had to be patient. ‘Give it time, Hiro. He’ll come around…’

                One night over dinner, Hiro looked up at his Aunt carefully. There was something he wanted to bring it up, but was nervous about it. He took in a deep breath.

                “Hey Aunt Cass…” he piped up over their silent eating.

                “Yes, Hiro?” She replied quickly, seemingly happy to have him fill the silence.

                “I was wondering if it would be _possible_ for Tadashi to come back home? I mean, he had such a tough time, and I could even take the garage if that eased your mind…” he brought up, but his voice trailed away when he saw how much her eyes had widened. It was a look he never really seen on his Aunt. Hiro wasn’t even sure how to read it. _Was it fear?_ Hiro looked down wishing he hadn’t seen the look at all.

                “I understand you boys have been through so much, and I miss your brother too. But I don’t think he would could come back even if I did offered it to him. He told me yesterday, that Fred and Wasabi want him to come back now that he’s getting better. I think it’s important for him to have that support of his friends.” His aunt answered hollowly.

                Hiro inhaled sharply, not sure what he was expecting, but he figured this was probably one of the better responses his Aunt could muster. It still didn’t make the next few months any easier with his Aunt watching over him, and Tadashi pretty much avoiding him at all costs. Hiro knew his brother was being left in good hands, but it still hurt to know things were changing between them. And at this point, Hiro was unsure if he was even capable of meeting him in the middle. To Hiro, it was all or nothing, and Tadashi was definitely leaning towards the side of nothing.

 Not to mention, family dinner nights being a joke. One night, Hiro decided partake, and it was like there was this giant elephant in the room that everyone was stepping around. So from there on out, Hiro gave them the formality of skipping coming downstairs the nights Tadashi came around. Hiro stopped going to school as well. After having a crooked professor and all that honestly just killed it for him. With no drive to do anything else, (not that it would make a difference at this point) pot became more relevant in his life; to the point where he no longer attempted to hide it from his Aunt.

                When she mentioned treatment he asked her if she would prefer him to cut himself again, and that made things go quiet for a couple months. Tadashi still would come for “family night”, and Hiro would take off out through his bedroom window to see if his brother would come after him. Not once. For a period of time it was nearly daily that Hiro would go bot fighting; still no Tadashi. His brother really was _done_ caring.

                Time blurred together from there. Hiro found that his memory was definitely hazed, and he was having trouble remembering how much time had lapsed between his first hit in the morning, and the next hits to follow. This was his life for the over the next year and a half. It was only a matter of time of when his Aunt would finally snap, but Hiro was always too high to even care to notice.  One of the very few things he cared to have other than his escapism, was adrenaline, and he only ever felt that when fleeing from a bot fight. And he had to pay for all of that pot somehow.

                “Hiro.” She spoke harshly one night as he walked in through the front door. It was after 2 A.M. Mochi hobbled off her lap as she stood up, as she folded her arms tightly together.

                “Hey Aunt Cass.” He spoke back casually. “What are you doing up?”

                “I should be asking you the same thing. Care to explain what the _hell_ you were thinking?” she questioned.

                “Oh you know, I was just out _fucking_ Tadashi, because that’s what we do when we see each other.” Hiro slurred. He had found some bum passed out on the street with half a bottle of vodka still left. Hiro decided to swipe it, and have the rest for himself.

                “Tadashi was over here tonight. He brought Honey Lemon too, they just got engaged.” She announced sounding tired, “he asked me if I would call you down, so he could tell you himself. That’s when I saw you leaving out your window, and I told him you were sleeping.”

                Hiro laughed, “How fucking noble of you.”

                Aunt Cass ran her fingers through her hair, taking a deep breath in. “Alright. I get it.” She sighed sounding absolutely exhausted. “I get it. I’m the bitch. I am the bitch who made your brother move out. I am the bitch for lying to him, and telling him you are okay every week when he asks me how you are doing, when you obviously aren’t okay. I am the bitch for—” she turned, and grabbed the plate full of wings that were Hiro’s. She held it high in the air then let it drop not even flinching when the plate shattered, “ _making_ you dinner every night even though I know you probably won’t eat a single bite of it. I am the bitch who has no clue what she’s doing when it comes to raising you or Tadashi!”

                Hiro stood there, stunned and silent for a good few minutes as she stood glaring and shaking.

                “Aunt Cass I’m sorr—”

                “I don’t want to hear it!” she shouted before he could finish. “Just go to your room.”

                “Aunt Cass… I didn’t mean to…”

                “Just _go._ Now, Hiro.” She pointed to the stairs, and Hiro stumbled along quickly, afraid to know what she would do if he didn’t listen. Not even a full minute went by until Hiro over heard more crashing dishes, and loud thuds.

                Hiro sat in his bed in a curled up position. His Aunt had never broke down like this before. Not once. He felt hot tears run down his face when it fully sunk in that this was all his fault. She had been trying so hard to help him, and care for him. And this was how he repaid her? After the time he had been kidnapped, he swore to himself he would never mistreat his Aunt Cass ever again, and he somehow managed to do the exact opposite of that.

                “Ow Shh— _God_ damn it!” Aunt Cass yelped from downstairs, and despite his better judgement Hiro raced downstairs.

                “Aunt Cass?” He called out, then found her curled up on the living room floor holding her foot. Nearby was a shattered vase that must have fell on her foot.

                “It’s nothing, Hiro… I’m _fine.”_ She insisted, but he crouched down beside her anyway.

                “Let me look at it.” He instructed, and she hesitantly pulled her hands away. He carefully peels back her sock, and flinched at how swollen it was already.

                “I’m going to help you over to the couch, then get you some ice okay?” he offered. When he saw his Aunt nod, he does just as he said he would, and returned at her side with a hand towel full of ice.

“First of all, I never thought you were a bitch.” He told her leaning his head on her shoulder.

“And second of all, what the hell was that? I didn’t even know you there was side of you that was even capable of rage.”

                His Aunt sighed, “Well… let’s just say neither did I.”

                Hiro laughed a bit, “All that stuff I said was really stupid. I’m sorry.”

                His Aunt nodded knowingly. “I heard you at the top of the steps; that creak of you getting up when they announced their engagement. I let you go because… no matter how twisted it is for me to think this way. It’s better for you to find your own way of coping, then to ignore what I know.” She felt Hiro stiffen at that, but when he doesn’t respond vocally she ran his fingers through his hair.

                “You don’t need to cut, smoke, or drink to get over Tadashi. You just need a purpose.” As she told him that, he scoffed.

                “Get _over_ him? Is that what we’re calling this?” Hiro questioned, and his aunt shrugged.

                “I don’t know what you want me to say to that.” His aunt responded quietly.

                “I don’t know either.” He mumbled covering half of his face in hand, as he tried to sort through his mind. But quite frankly, it was clouded in booze and pot that was really making it difficult.

                “All I know is that your fix is only temporary. Whatever Tadashi was to you, he’s not that anymore. He never should have been, either. Tadashi has figured out what he needs to do, and that’s surround himself with friends… and start a real relationship with somebody.” She spoke, and as she said the words “ _real relationship_ ” Hiro had to do everything he could not to outwardly cringe like he wanted to.

                “Maybe I’m just upset that I can’t ever have my brother back. The one that I used to build robots, and share ideas with. Maybe I’m upset that the most important person in my life is leaving me behind, so he can fix _his_ mistakes. Maybe that’s the part I’m upset about. I never asked for all that other stuff. I never wanted it in the first place. I never _asked_ him to do any of this to me.” Hiro confessed, and he was literally shaking.

                His Aunt shifted so she could reel him into a hug. “Hiro…”

                He buried his face into her shoulder. “Why can’t I just have my brother back? Why can’t he have his life… and me too? Why can’t we just be the brothers we are supposed to be? Why do I have be the one that suffers, and figure it all out on my own?” he questioned, and his Aunt just rubbed his back as he dissolved into sobs.

                 Breaking down like that in front of Aunt Cass was never apart of Hiro’s plan. He never wanted to expose to her how vulnerable he was without Tadashi in his life. She didn’t answer any of his questions, or try defend Tadashi in any sort of way. Hiro almost wished he would have. He craved for somebody to tell him that Tadashi meant more than this to him. That he wouldn’t just leave his brother behind bruised, and broken.    

                Recovery from there wasn’t easy. To be completely honest, Hiro wasn’t even sure that it was even possible. After the talk with his Aunt, Hiro was reluctant to give up all the bad habits he developed to cope with whatever life threw at him. But despite his hesitation, he was sent to treatment, where he was visited regularly by his Aunt. There was a lot in the beginning that Hiro refused to take seriously. Hiro wasn’t much into religion, but his Aunt helped him find a place that wasn’t religious centric. However, he couldn’t help but feel that a lot of the things going on did not apply to him all that much.

                Hiro had a long way to go yet, and all the things he had to come to terms with stemmed from one person. A person that made coming to terms with how his life was now a very complicated, and terrifying thing.  Stripped of his usual coping mechanisms Hiro could not sleep in the new environment for the first couple weeks. And if he did get any sleep he would be haunted in the middle of the night with fits of screaming he hadn’t had to deal with since he was a small child.

 In the group meetings, Hiro said very little other than his name, and kept to himself. Hiro had nothing but time to think, and reflect on his life. Which turned out to be horrible for his self-esteem. He felt pathetic, and awful for all the stress he had caused his Aunt over the last couple of years. Even Tadashi, with how he threw himself at his older brother when he was injured in a hospital room. He should have known Tadashi was already having second thoughts. His brother told him from the moment they agreed to give it a shot that it probably wasn’t going to work out. But yet, Hiro had _expected_ it to.

                Even the good memories he had were being warped into bad ones. Hiro laid awake at night staring at empty walls. He thought of Christmas Eve, he thought of the night the concert, and all the small moments in between. How truly _messed up_ it all was. He thrashed over in his bed wanting to turn it all off. It was seriously torture being there, in an unfamiliar place. Here for _one_ thing, but it wasn’t even the problem. The answer, “recovering from an addiction” was not going to solve the bigger issue he had.

                The first step admittance; admitting one cannot control their addictions or compulsions to drugs. Hiro could argue until he was blue in the face that he wasn’t _addicted_ to pot. It wasn’t an addictive drug. But perhaps, when he let that instant defense mechanism dissolve. He could admit that, yes, he wasn’t himself or the person he wanted to be. Especially with his attitude towards his Aunt half of the time. He never meant to be a burden to her. Another thing that helped him come to a mutual place for being stuck here at this treatment facility was he really could replace the word “drugs” with Tadashi, and it was like, _bam._ Maybe he was in the right place after all. He did feel “powerless” to his brother. When they were apart it was easy to see all the flaws, and how fucked up everything was. But, damn, when he took in even the sight of him whenever he was around… all that doubt was gone. Tadashi did something to him that made his whole body shiver just thinking about him. Yeah, he was definitely powerless to him alright.

                “Hiro, why don’t you share with us today?” The voice of his counselor drew him back to the group. Everyone was sitting in fold out chairs. There about ten people in total, and he had been here long enough to know each and every one of their stories. But no one knew his. It wasn’t like his was the absolute worst of the group. For instance, the girl to his right had an alcoholic father who had been physically and verbally abusive to her. She was seventeen, and the first thing Hiro had noticed about her were the scars that marked her wrist, going all the way to her elbow. He swallowed having an uneasy feeling like he always did whenever he laid eyes on this girl. She wasn’t the one who addressed him, but his eyes always seemed to go to her whenever he was pulled back into the group.

                 “What do you want me to share exactly?” Hiro asked quietly, balling his hands under the sleeves of his hoodie.

                “Whatever you feel comfortable with. Anything that comes to mind for you?”

                Hiro shook his head, but then he felt a nudge in his ribs. He looked over to see Mary, the girl with the scars, giving him a stare down.

                “You’re the only one we haven’t heard from. How are you going to heal if you just keep it all bottled up?” she questioned, and initially Hiro’s response was to shrug at her. Not the kind of shrug that was dismissive, but rather the one that suggested he was hoping for a black hole to consume him so he could just disappear.

                “I get it.” Hiro finally piped up. “I get that sharing is supposed to help me deal with everything, but maybe my issues are better buried deep. Maybe I’ve burdened enough people. Maybe I just…” Hiro found that he was suddenly on his feet. “You want to know how I’m feeling? Honestly, I feel like this place is a joke.”

                Then before he could stop himself, Hiro was walking out of the room. He didn’t have the balls to walk out of the building entirely. He just sat out in the hall next to his room, since he couldn’t go back to his room without a security key anyway. His back slid down the concrete wall, and he curled his knees into his chest. His arms hugged his legs tightly, and he just focused on his breathing. _You were just having a panic attack. It’s fine. Just calm down._ Then once his breathing was slowed down again, when his heart didn’t feel like it was about to rip out of his chest he tried to assess the situation.

                It was at that moment when Hiro had an epiphany. _You got to fake it, Hiro. If you want to get out of here. Talking about Tadashi is out of the question, but you can still make something up. All I have to do is sound genuine. I can at least do that._

After that incident, Hiro no doubt had a “heart-to-heart” with the counselor he flipped out on. Slowly he began to open up about his addiction.

_Every time we kissed, I wished we could have just stayed like that forever._

Turned into, “Whenever I got high I just wanted to stay in that euphoria as long as I could.”

_Our forever of fights over nothing, we were never on the same page, and once I finally caught up to him the book that was slowly burning was just ashes._

“I thought I could handle anything, you know, but it turns out my life was just slowly falling apart even more…” his voice trailed away, but it seemed to be enough. The counselor thanked him for sharing, and they went on to the next person. It was just a few more weeks like that. Sharing feelings and talking about what Hiro was going to do to avoid triggers. Hiro mentioned one thing he enjoyed doing was volunteering. So they set up a plan for Hiro to join a volunteer group.

In a few short months he went from stealing alcohol from a bum off the street to having a life beyond trying to block out his emotions. Things were far from perfect, but he and his aunt worked together to help Hiro combat his inner demons. Truthfully, Hiro had no clue where he would be without that woman. She kept him in check, and though some days he forgot to show it, she kept him hopeful.

Now that he was doing this volunteer thing, he finally opened up and started making friends. They even talked to him about bigger projects they would like him to partake in in the future. At first the thought living away from his Aunt to pursue these projects were a bit daunting. But, as time passed he was actually quite eager to start a life of his own.

                                                                                ---

His first year and a half with the volunteer group Hiro eagerly jumped on a project that included making toys for kids with parents that couldn’t afford to buy things like iPads or cellphones. Hiro learned about kids whose only way of communication could be through technology, and that really inspired him to work as hard as he could for those kids who needed it.

While having the brain to come up with such great ideas, didn’t necessarily mean he could just make them, and in an abundance too no less. Every project had a team of people, and everyone had their certain roles. Everything from finding others to want to fund their project, then on to actually building it. It was all a humbling experience for Hiro to meet all these companies, and corporations that were interested in sponsoring his tech.

Hiro finally felt like he could make a bigger impact on the world, but he certainly did not forget what happened to him a couple years back. Trusting his professor with his tech, someone who had been very influential not only in the tech community, but with the city in general. It was definitely a struggle to find that trust again. He did plenty of research though, on the group he was with, wanting to take no part in them if they were affiliated with either his old professor, or Allister Krei.

When he was eighteen, he was finally able to bring his tech to other parts of the world as well. His Aunt threw him a going away party, and he finally got to interact with his brother. Yeah, things were definitely not perfect between them. But Hiro was ready to move on. It definitely hurt to see his brother after all this time, and have to act like everything was okay between them. There were only so many ways that night could have gone down… What brought him down the most was that Tadashi could be coming with him right now instead of having a kid with Honey Lemon.

They could be together away from everyone, and they could be doing really great things for a lot people. If Tadashi hadn’t tried so hard to move on without him, they could have started over together. But then he thought of something his Aunt had told him back when Tadashi had moved out.

The two of them needed to be plotted in different plants, in order for them both to grow. 

Then his mind fast forwarded to what Tadashi had told him the night of his going away party, _You’re not going to even try to understand…_ It was an ever-revolving circle cycling around in his mind. Tadashi wanted his younger brother to understand, and Hiro wanted the older one at his side despite the potential consequences.

Maybe it was the punch that made Tadashi not write to Hiro while he was away, and Hiro was too prideful. He stuck to his word, wanting to move on with his life. Hiro grew anxious with the lack of contact he had with his family. His usual way of coping didn’t end up being too difficult to come by, when a couple people in his volunteer group invited him to smoke with them.  

Having others to smoke with was surprisingly nice. He was able to open a little to them, how anxious he got in unfamiliar areas. That he would get night terrors whenever he slept in new places.

Then they told him about how he would be able to sleep well with this stuff. Which ended up ringing true, because after a few hits his body was relaxed, and even though he didn’t have that piece of home that was Tadashi with him… It suddenly felt okay. He had new friends here, friends who could at least somewhat understand. And it wasn’t like he smoked all the time. Now that he had a purpose, something to guide him through the day, it was really only at night he felt the need to smoke.

                Whenever he came home to visit it was for the weekend, and he made his Aunt Cass keep it just to herself. Though his visits were short, and only a couple times a year, he was always happy to see his Aunt again. She would show him pictures of Tadashi and Honey’s baby boy. And would frequently write to him with updates. It wasn’t until Hikaru turned four that he got his first letter from Honey Lemon.

                _Dear Hiro,_

_I’ve wanted to write to you for a while, for I’ve always considered you to be a dear friend. However, I worried that may be a mistake since I know you and your brother are not on the best of terms. I’m so proud of you, and everything you’ve done over the past few years with your volunteering. Tadashi and I only speak highly of you when we tell our son about his Uncle Hiro._

_I apologize in advance, because this letter is going to be very invasive to you, so I do hope you can forgive me Hiro. I could never quite grasp why you and Tadashi have had the fall out you did. Every time I asked Tadashi about it, and pleaded for him to make amends with you he always insisted that there was nothing he could do for you to change your mind about him. I asked your Aunt what this meant, because Tadashi was always so vague. He said that he was tough on you growing up, but I can never see him being that way to a point where you would stop all contact with him._

_Your Aunt didn’t go into too many details either, but she did however told me about Tadashi’s past as a child, and being taken advantage of by another student at his robotics camp. At first, I couldn’t fathom how that was relevant to you… until she told me that she caught him touching you the week he came back. She also told me she believes he stopped for a very long time, but was worried he had relapsed in the last couple years he lived with you. Please do not be angry with your Aunt for telling me this. I really pried it out of her, and was quite relentless, so if you are upset please be upset with me._

_But I promise I have a reason for being so terrible, and sticking my nose where it doesn’t belong. As you can probably guess… I love your brother very much. I do. I love him with all my heart, and it really saddens me what your Aunt told me. I know Tadashi loves you, and regrets everything ill he has ever done to you. Every time I bring you up, his face is filled with pain I’ve never seen before on anyone else. He lives in guilt every day for whatever he has done to you. I haven’t told him what I know at all, and don’t plan to, so you don’t have to worry about that._

_I do, however, have a favor to ask of you. As you know, our son Hikaru, is four years old. He and your brother are the light of my life. Unfortunately, for me it’s a very dim light. As a young girl, I was diagnosed with Leukemia. I have been in remission for the last eight years, but it has sadly returned. My doctor tells me I have about a year to live, and I still have to tell Tadashi this news. It’s been very difficult knowing this, and also knowing that you and your brother are still not on good terms. I know this is a big thing to ask of you, especially after all you have been through… to please, please consider forgiving Tadashi for what he did to you._

_I know that there is so much I don’t know about the situation. But I do know it is a possibility that you may even resent me a little, and feel that I stole Tadashi from you. I never meant to take someone so important away from you. If you can find it in your heart to forgive Tadashi, I know he will be able to live with himself better once I am gone. I know you are one of the most important people in his life. Maybe even before myself. I know our son, would also greatly benefit to have his uncle actively in his life as well, after I am gone. Again, I’m so sorry to trouble you like this. I hope all is well with you, and I would love to hear all about the adventures you are having out there!_

_With Love,_

_Honey Lemon._

As Hiro finished reading the letter he hadn’t realized how tense he had gotten, until he physically felt the muscles in his face finally relax. He hid the letter in his desk drawer, so no one else could stumble upon it by accident. His heart was still beating pretty fast. Even after all this time, Hiro was having trouble escaping his past. Honey Lemon, of all people, to ask him to _forgive_ Tadashi was literally insane.

                But he soon realized no matter how hard he tried to be angry about the situation. Angry with Honey Lemon for prying so hard; he honestly couldn’t find the heart. If he was in her position, he may have even done the same thing. Reach out to all of the loved ones he could to ensure Tadashi would be okay. How could he be mad with her, when she was just doing exactly what he would have done if he had the opportunity... which was look after Tadashi.

                The response back was not nearly as lengthy. He was only able to ensure a maybe in regards to her request. He did tell her more about what it was like where he was at right now. Updating her on all the projects he was working on, making sure to send pictures since he knew Aunt Cass liked that sort of thing. Their correspondence was brief, and her responses seemed to stretch even longer as the months moved along. Three days after Hiro sent his last letter to Honey, he received the news of her passing away.

                As much as Hiro would have liked to stay where he was, he finally knew what his answer was to Honey, and that he could not just ignore his brother no matter how much his pride wanted to do so.

                Being back in San Fransokyo’s city lights was such a contrast to the hot weather he had just barely gotten used to. It had been nearly five years of living away from home. In that time, Hiro had visited so many places, and experienced nearly every sort of climate from living in the mountains, to his most recent endeavor; in the dead heat of the safari. When he returned to the Lucky Cat Café, his Aunt welcomed him with a long overdue hug.

                “Hikaru is here.” She told him, “Tadashi’s at work, so I have him coloring at that table over there if you want to say hello.”

                Hiro gave her a hesitant look, but not even having the chance to set his luggage aside, his Aunt shoved him over towards his nephew.

                “Hey there, Hikaru. There’s someone here I’d like you to meet.” She started off, and when Hikaru snapped his up he smiled widely in recognition.

                “Uncle Hiro!” he exclaimed instantly standing so he could hug his leg.

                Hiro looked down at his nephew with a confused expression. “Hey there, kid. It’s nice to meet you.”

                “Mommy and Auntie Cass told me all about you… A-and daddy too. He said you’re his brother… Which makes you my uncle. And he said that you are a dragon slayer, and that’s why we haven’t met yet. Don’t be mad, but I lost another tooth, and I burned my tongue on my cereal. Daddy said it’s really rare that little kids can breathe fire. But I can!”

                Hiro had to do his best to not laugh hysterically at him. “Ooooh.” He said as if everything he was talking about made perfect sense. “Don’t worry. I only kill harmful dragons. You know, the ones that burn down entire villages and all that stuff…” he looked over at his Aunt, who just shrugged before walking away to help another customer. _Great already on babysitting duty._

Hiro sat down on the other side of the booth, and frowned when he noticed what his nephew was drawing a picture of. It was a stick figure drawing of him crying with his dad next to a tombstone. When Hikaru caught him looking, he covered the pictures with his arms.

                “I’m sorry.” Hiro said instantly.

                Hikaru eased back setting the paper in his lap. “Mommy told me that I should not be sad when she’s gone. She told me I have to be able to smile for daddy, because he might forget to smile for me.”

                Hiro hummed quietly, “Your dad, and I… we both lost our parents when we were kids like you… But we had Aunt Cass, and she was really good to us.”

                “Auntie Cass was like a mommy and a daddy.” Hikaru added, then on a new piece of paper began to draw some flowers.

                “Yeah she was. She was like a super hero.” Hiro agreed. “Taking care of two boys. I can’t imagine that…” his voice trailed away when he heard his nephew giggle.

                “Auntie Cass a superhero? What would her super power be? Make a donut appear with a snap of her finger?” his nephew joked, and Hiro laughed.

                “It would be that or summoning Mochi on command or hey, maybe even both at the same time.” Hiro expanded, and then the two of them were both chuckling as they continued to come up with more super powers for everyone.

                “Daddy would be a super healer. Since he builds robots that heal. He could have Baymax as his sidekick.” When Hikaru brought up Baymax, Hiro leaned forward with interest.

                “Baymax… is that thing still active?” he asked, vaguely remembering hearing of him in one of the early letters his Aunt had sent to him.

                “Of course he is! He lives at home with us. And then all the other Baymaxs’ live at the hospital. There are even some that live at nursing homes,” Hikaru explained.

                “Oh. I remember hearing about that.” Hiro hummed leaning back, and peered over his shoulder to see how his Aunt was holding up. Since he had been gone there were other people there working there, and they seemed to be handling things alright, so he turned back to his nephew.

                “I wish they really were super heroes, because then maybe he would have been able to save mommy by making her better.” Hikaru brought up, and Hiro felt a knot in his stomach.

                “I’m sorry about your mom.” He told him quietly.

                Hikaru shrugged in response, not looking his uncle in the eyes. “Did you have to miss your funeral because of the dragons?”

                Hiro cleared his throat feeling a pang of guilt right then. “There was a lot of stuff I had to finish up, and I could not leave right away like I wanted to. But I’m here now, and I’ll be here for as long as you and your daddy need me. I made a promise to your mom, and I won’t break it.”

                Hikaru nodded quietly, beginning to draw rain over the brightly colored flowers he had just made.

                “Hey so, I got you something.” Hiro mentioned after a moment of silence between the two of them, his nephew instantly perking up at the news.

                “What is it? What is it?” he beckoned, bouncing up and down excitedly in his seat.

                “I’ll give it to you, but first you have to promise me one thing, okay?” Hiro fished in his pocket clutching on to a familiar crescent shaped piece of metal. He had long thrown his in the river, so he had mixed feelings giving up the one he had just made, but when he remembered why he made it in the first place it made no sense for him to keep it for himself.

                “I promise! I promise!” Hikaru agreed.

                “Okay, not even daddy okay? This is a very special item, and there is only one other person in this world that has it.” Hiro has his nephew hold out his hand as he dropped the helicopter into his hand.

                “Oh it’s shiny!”

                Hiro smiled at that glad that his nephew was so easily impressed, “Can you guess what it does?”

                Hikaru squinted at the helicopter humming in thought for about a minute, “Is it an ear piece?” he wondered tucking it behind his ear. “Will it give me supersonic hearing?”

                Hiro chuckled. “No not that exactly.” He bit his lip as he reached to grab it back, “It will protect you. Like a shield. I can’t tell you how, but if you keep it with you at all times… no matter how bad things may seem you will always have that looking after you. Similar to a good luck charm.”

                As Hikaru stared at his new gift in awe, Hiro inhaled sharply as he reached for his hand. The contact with his nephew made him a little nervous since this was their first time interacting ever. Even if he was just a kid… Hiro couldn’t rid himself of the unpleasant feeling that sunk to bottom of his stomach. The inexplicable shivers that went down his spine, he covered by audibly clearing his throat.

                “If you, uhm, flick it up in the air a bit… It floats around before falling. Like this…” he demonstrates the motion as he explained, then let Hikaru try it for himself. Together they watched as the crescent scrap of metal danced around between them, as it slowly glided back down into the younger ones palms.

                 “Wow,” Hikaru breathed in amazement.

                His uncle smiled softly, and as he continued to play with it some more his Aunt came over to check out what the boys were up to.

                “What do you have there, Hikaru?” she asked inquisitively.

                Hiro snickered as he watched his nephew scramble to stow his present away in his pocket.

                “Nothing!” he squeaked turning bright red, looking over at Hiro with a guilty expression.

                “It’s a secret.” Hiro revealed to his Aunt. She gave a slow nod, and looked back over at Hikaru.

                “Don’t let your uncle get you into trouble now. Your uncle may be a very talented inventor, but I would hate to have to tell your daddy about any mischief you two are causing.” She then raised her eyebrows back over at Hiro, whose smile only grew even wider.

                “Do you really think I would give him anything that would be dangerous?” he questioned, but her stern look was an answer enough.

                “I promise I wont give him anything dangerous.” Hiro assured, and Aunt Cass responded by ruffling both their heads.

                “Hiro, will you keep Hikaru company for just awhile I finish up the rest of the dishes in back?”

                After she received a nod, she departed again, and it was just him and his nephew again. The café was closing up, and Hikaru looked back down at the picture he had been coloring.

                “What kind of flowers are those?” Hiro wondered.

                Hikaru shrugged, “They were the ones at mommy’s funeral.”

                “They’re pretty…” he responded hoping to see his nephew smile again, but he didn’t force it past that.

                His nephew left just a little after dinner, Hiro not quite ready to face Tadashi yet stayed back as Aunt Cass gave him a ride home. With his Aunt gone, Hiro used that time to roll a joint. On most nights, just a couple hits, and then he would be fast asleep. But tonight, his mind refused to let him rest. He tried taking a hot shower as well, but the anxiety only continued to build up. Hiro came back for one reason, and that was because Honey Lemon wanted him to make amends with his brother.  

                _It’s not as easy as you think._ He wanted to tell her, but when he remembered that he couldn’t… his heart sunk. He remembered the letter he received about a year ago. She went as far as digging into their past, and opened up this door Hiro had slammed shut. He leaned his head against the cool tile of the shower, as the scalding water hit his back he felt tears frantically fall from his eyes.

                _It’s been eight years Tadashi… I’ve managed to stay away all this time. I made a name for myself. I moved on, and so did you… How am I suddenly back at square one?_ Hiro slammed his fist against the wall, but when it just merely slid back down to his side he gave up.

                Then, Hiro knew the only way he would be able to ease his mind was to just face this head on. It wasn’t going to be as simple as catching up with an old friend, but it had to be better than sitting there wondering, and that’s when Hiro found himself walking in a middle of a thunderstorm just past nine. He wandered around a bit trying to prepare himself, but eventually came to the conclusion that it didn’t matter how much he tried to analyze the situation— there was just no way to prepare himself for this. He was about to be reunited with his older brother, who also happened to be… more than that.

                “ _Hiro_?” Tadashi’s voice rang in his ears, and Hiro blinked casually.

                He had done it. After standing on his porch for an indefinite amount of time, he finally knocked.

                “Hey Tadashi…”

                Hiro stood there for a good minute, as his brother took him in. He could practically see the wheels turning in his brain, as he slowly put things together.

                “May I come in?” Hiro asked, once he realized he had put his older brother in some sort of trance.

                Tadashi shook his head as he snapped back into the reality that was put in front of him. “Yeah, yeah… of course, Hiro. Come in.” he stepped aside, his movements almost robotic as he shut the door behind him.

                Hiro kept his hands folded tight under his arms, and took a few steps in looking around his house.

                “This is a nice place you got.” He commented to fill the silence.

                Tadashi mumbled a thanks, and then jumped. “Shit you’re soaking wet. I’ll borrow you something.” Before Hiro could protest, Tadashi bolted for his bedroom. Hiro decided to wait, rooted to the spot in the middle of the entryway until his brother returned.

                When he returned, Tadashi pointed out the bathroom, and Hiro went off to change. A v-neck, a pair of checkered pajama bottoms, and an old SFIT hoodie was what he had provided. As Hiro put on each layer, the scent of his brother filled him with a high he did his best to ignore.

                When he was done, he found Tadashi in the kitchen, and in came the aroma of hot chocolate. Hiro couldn’t help but smile at that.

                “I got a letter from Honey Lemon.” Hiro mentioned, setting it on the counter. “About a year ago. She told me about her condition. She asked me to make amends with you. That’s why I’m here.”

                Tadashi slid over a mug of hot chocolate to Hiro, and glanced at the letter. “That’s why you are here.” He echoed back, and Hiro nodded in response.

                “I think we both know something she clearly didn’t, and I think I’ve come to terms with you being out of my life the day you punched me in the face. You don’t have to do her the favor of trying to make things up to me. She doesn’t understand what I did…”

                Hiro nudged the letter forward a little more. “I think you should read it.”

                Tadashi quirked an eyebrow at him, and then grabbed the letter hesitantly. He read the letter silently to himself, and then let out a long sigh.

                “What I said still stands… she doesn’t understand….”

                Hiro took a sip of his hot chocolate, and eyed Tadashi carefully. “Well maybe… maybe I’m not here for just her. I will admit I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for her push, but I am here because I want to be here Tadashi. Is that… is that okay with you? That I want to be here?”

                Tadashi had a strained look on his face, but then he nodded. “Yeah. Yeah… I’m glad you’re here. I’m glad you want to be here.” He replied, but his voice was so flat that it crushed Hiro.

                “I met your son today. Hikaru. I like him.” Hiro said with a little smile.

                “Yeah… He’s a good kid.” Tadashi agreed, also taking a sip of his hot chocolate.

                The two of them peeked up from their mugs every now and then, their small talk dispersing into an awkward silence until Hiro was about two-thirds of the way finished with his drink. He stood up, and walked around so he could be on the same side of the kitchen as his brother.

                His heart was pounding fast, but was surprised to find that the older one very easily loosened his grip when Hiro took the hot chocolate from him. He set it on the counter carefully, then looked back at Tadashi. After all the years that had passed between them his expression never changed, Tadashi realized. The way Hiro’s eyes looked to him for the next move. Except what he hadn’t expected was for Hiro to reel him into to a hug. His embrace was tight, and his chin rested on his shoulders. The hug was so platonic, that Tadashi visibly relaxed into it.

                “I’m sorry for your loss.” Hiro said to him, and Tadashi nodded knowingly.

                “Thanks. I’m glad you are here, though.” Tadashi admitted.

                Hiro nodded too, knowing there had been a lot of that going on between them. So many unspoken words, but they both still felt the same way.

                When Hiro pulled back, he was going to grab his hot chocolate again. He was going to maybe ask more questions about his nephew. He wanted to know all about Baymax too. Hiro was ready for them to be brothers again. But as he began to turn, Tadashi caught his lips with his own. The action caught Hiro off guard. _No._ He thought instantly. When he was finally sure they were on the same page, Tadashi threw a curve ball that hit him right in the gut. Hiro felt his heart race, at least this was only a kiss. It would only last a moment. All he had to do was pull back—

                But Tadashi had his hands cupped to his face, and Hiro in response held on to his hips. He was soon being hoisted onto the countertop, where the clothes he had just received were half off and discarded on the floor.

                Tadashi was kissing down his neck. Hiro’s voice was caught in his throat, where his brother nipped and prodded his tongue. His skin burned at the contact. Hiro slid his hands up the back of Tadashi’s shirt, deciding to do a bit of exploring himself. But with each little step Hiro took, Tadashi was still miles ahead. He palmed at Hiro through the cotton of his pajamas. The younger one squeaked, and his hands retracted out of Tadashi’s shirt.

                Hiro brought his older brother’s face in hands, and looked at him curiously.

                “How far are you planning on taking this?” Hiro asked.

                “I want you.” Tadashi responded. “I want you to be mine, Hiro.”

                Hiro inwardly cringed, but he hid it well. “You have to prep me, Tadashi… if you want to go all the way.” He didn’t tell him how he had a guy waiting for him back with the volunteer group. He didn’t tell him how much he grew to care for this guy. Hiro knew that he had a soft spot for his older brother, and would always put him first, no matter how painful it was for him to do so. Even when Hiro got shoved to the side, and had his feelings crushed. Even though Tadashi had left him utterly heart broken. He knew the two of them were bound… that no matter how hard _either_ of them tried to escape one another. Their polarities drew them back together again in the end.

                Feeling the older ones fingers inside him, twisting and widening felt familiar. Not that Tadashi knew it was familiar to him. Hiro leaned his elbows against the counter for support, and his eyes narrowed in lust once it started to feel good for him.

                “Yeah, you’re getting it…” Hiro encouraged lightly, and Tadashi focused on that a little longer until his fingers were gone.

                Hiro winced, “Too fast.” He whined, but soon he felt the head of the older one’s cock replacing the heat that had just left him.

                “I love you, I never stopped…loving you this way.” Tadashi told him, and Hiro nodded.

                “I know. I love you too. You don’t have to prove anything Tadashi. I’m yours no matter what.” Hiro reached out, to cup his face in his hand.

                Tadashi turned his face, and kissed his palm as he pushed himself in. Hiro gripped on to Tadashi’s shoulder tightly at that moment. His hips rocked against him, and Hiro arched forward at the contact.

                “You can lay back if you want to,” Tadashi encouraged, but Hiro shook his head, reeling Tadashi in for a rough kiss. The older one continued to his pace, and Hiro encouraged him along with noises of appreciation, and even spoke up when he did things he didn’t like. When Tadashi finally had the perfect rhythm down, Hiro began stroking himself wanting to be able to come with him, until Tadashi replaced his hand with his own.

                “Tadashi—” he called out as Hiro spilled over he felt Tadashi pull out, and his stomach was soon covered in his brother’s release.

                A few heavy breaths pass, and it was then Tadashi’s turn to clean up the mess. He brought Hiro into his room, where he collapsed face first onto the bed. Hiro crawled in after him, running his fingers along his back as he settled in on his side.

                “The scars are still there from when you were burned…” Hiro mentioned quietly, and Tadashi nodded in response.

                “And all your scars too…” Tadashi muttered, and he could already feel the overwhelming dread.

                “Do you regret this already, Tadashi?” Hiro asked forwardly.

                “No… do you?” Tadashi wondered.

                Hiro tucked a piece of hair behind his ear, “No... I mean…” he sighed. “It’s been so long since we’ve talked… I gave up on you ever wanting me again…”

                Tadashi perked his head up.

                “I have a boyfriend, back you know…” Hiro shrugged. “I told him I was coming home, and didn’t know when or if I was coming back. So, we put our relationship on hold for now. I told him I didn’t want him waiting around for me.”

                Tadashi groaned, and hid his face in Hiro’s shoulder. “Why didn’t you stop me? Hiro I would have stopped…”

                Hiro ran his fingers through his hair, “Hey.” He whispered in his ear. “You come first, okay. I loved you first.”                

                Tadashi just shook his head, and Hiro kissed the top of his head.

                “Just… just lay with me. Don’t let this bother you right now.” Hiro instructed, “Please. Tadashi. Just forget I said anything about that.”

                He coaxed his brother into another kiss, “I want to be here with you. I want you. Bottom line.”

                Tadashi reciprocated the kiss, but frowned after he spoke. “I feel like I can’t just take you away from your life just because mine fell apart.” He mentioned wrapping his arm at Hiro’s midsection.

                “What if I prefer this life more… a life with you and my nephew?” Hiro asked, and the way Tadashi inhaled he knew… the older one didn’t even have to say anything.

                “I can’t expose my son to this…” Tadashi mumbled, saying it anyway.

                Hiro kissed him, deciding he liked it better when they didn’t talk about the life around them. So, they kissed. And Hiro, initiated a round two. Where he rode Tadashi, and damn near cried out his name as his brother came inside of him. Tadashi held his hand over Hiro’s mouth, as he collapsed beside him again.            

                “Hiro… this is bad… we can’t be doing this… we shouldn’t have even done it the first time…”

                Hiro pulled him into a kiss to quiet him, “I like it better when your mouth is occupied. You don’t kill the mood as much that way.” He teased, because yeah, he got it. They could never do this again. But why did that have to stop them now… they were already here, and naked. And to that, Tadashi lowered himself.

                “You like my mouth occupied do you?” Tadashi hummed, and then gave Hiro an experimenting lick. The younger one shook his head.

                “Tadashi we can’t~” Hiro mocked, but the other one responded with a tiny bite along his base. Hiro whimpered into the pillow beside him, and Tadashi continued on. Hiro forced himself to stay still, as he locked his fingers into Tadashi’s hair. He tugged whenever he had the urge to thrust upward into his mouth. Tadashi might not have had experience with this, but it didn’t take long to understand the mechanics of a blow job. It felt _good_ , and that’s what Hiro decided to focus on.

                When he was close, he warned Tadashi, and then it was over. His post-sex high was wearing thin, and the two of them chose to lay loosely entangled together.

                “Go back.” Tadashi told him. “I’ll raise my son on my own. I have Aunt Cass. And I have you… but only when it’s convenient for you. Whenever you visit, or whatever…”

                Hiro sighed. “Why do you have to be so quick to get rid of me?” he pouted, but he knew it was for the best. “Alright. I’ll go back… but only if you promise not to do anything stupid.”

                “What you afraid I might off myself?” Tadashi asked, and Hiro shrugged.

                “I don’t know. You tried once, and I was there to stop you. But if I go back, I can’t really stop you from any of that can I?”

                Tadashi was silent for quite some time, not wanting to answer the question. The longer it hanged in the air unanswered. The dimmer the world seemed to float around him. He ran his fingers through Hiro’s hair. His mind wandered in a whirlwind of thoughts. He thought of how easily his brother put him into a trance. Hiro just showing up on his front porch, with the letter Honey Lemon had written him. He had come here to make amends. It was Tadashi who had took it to this place. Yet he laid there reprimanding his little brother about how it was a mistake. This wasn’t fair to Hiro. He had to tell him that he didn’t mean to do this to him all over again.

                “You’re right.” Tadashi finally spoke up, when he couldn’t stand the silence any longer.

                “Hm?” Hiro hummed, and Tadashi realized he had woken up the younger one.

                “Nothing… go back to sleep.”

                “Mm. No. You said I was right. I’d like to know what I’m right about. You know, so I can hold it over you later.” Hiro joked lazily.

                Tadashi took in a deep breath. “I don’t know. You were right to punch me… You didn’t have to come here, and apologize. After all this time. You were right to be angry. Honey Lemon had no right to guilt you into forgiving me.”

                Hiro tilted his head up, his chin resting on his brother’s chest instead of his cheek.

                “Well, she loved you. I don’t blame her for wanting us to be okay…” he swallowed unsurely.

                “Hiro. Be honest, when you came here today… did you expect _this_ to happen?” Tadashi asked, closing his eyes tightly as he waited for the answer.

                “I mean… I didn’t rule it completely. But I did think it was unlikely. Especially since I came here planning to just make things right. I didn’t come here to seduce you. I guess, I wasn’t expecting you to initiate anything. It wasn’t unwelcome or anything. I wouldn’t have gone for a round two if that was the case. So, can you finally… just stop making yourself into a villain, please?” Hiro pushed himself up, so he could kiss the corner of his mouth.

                “It’s okay.” He continued. “I get you have a kid… I can go back to my life if that’s what you want. No hard feelings this time. I promise. I came here on my own volition… you didn’t do anything wrong.”

                Tadashi cupped his face in his hands, “I don’t want you to go.” He confessed. The sound of his voice _killed_ Hiro. It was wrenched with pain, and sadness.

                Hiro grabbed his forearm. He gently caressed him with the pad of his thumb. “I can stay for a while. I don’t have to leave right away.” He hid his face in the crook of Tadashi neck. There were seldom moments like this where Tadashi let himself be vulnerable for Hiro. The last time was so long ago, but Hiro remembered like it was yesterday. The shattered bathroom mirror, and Tadashi’s busted up hand.

                Tadashi wrapped his arms around his brother, and held him tightly against his chest.

                “I can’t keep doing this to you.” His words were shaky against his ear, and Hiro felt his heart pound heavily in his chest.

                He breathed slowly, in and out. He let his eyes fall close, hiding himself further into Tadashi’s neck as the older one began sobbing. Hiro knew that no matter how hard he tried there was no blocking this out. Even as he shut his eyes, and tried to think of literally anything else… his brother’s shaking and tears were being released onto him. Hiro knew he had been a vessel. An outlet for Tadashi. For positivity. Negativity. They had gone through everything together. Starting with loss. Ending with loss.

Then, everything in between. Tadashi was Hiro’s main supporter. Supporter and collaborator. The times where they worked together on projects were behind them now, but Hiro didn’t think that was so impossible to gain back. Even now, with all their dirty laundry tossed all over the floor. Maybe Tadashi would never be able to forgive himself.

“Tadashi.” Hiro finally breathed out once he had the courage to. He wriggled gently against him, so he could wipe away his tears.

“Hey.” He spoke offering a small smile. “We’re so much more than this. Okay? No matter what happens. _You_ are so much more than this.” Hiro kissed his temple gently.

“You have a big heart. You have made something out of yourself. You’re more than the demons that haunt you. You’ve got a kid now, too. A kid that needs you a hell of a lot more than I do. He needs the Tadashi I know… the one that stays positive when everything around him is crumbling down. He needs encouragement, and love, and support… Everything you excel at.” Hiro went on.

“I don’t deserve to have a son.” Tadashi whispered hollowly.

“But you can’t change the fact that you do have one. So you have to make the best of this, okay. Because you may not deserve him. But he deserves a good father, and I know you can be that.” Hiro pressed their foreheads together. “So stop hating yourself. Please. You have to forgive yourself, Tadashi.” The only response Hiro got was a simple nod, and it wasn’t long after that until his brother calmed down.

\--

As the next couple weeks rolled on, the brothers were able to talk in ways they hadn’t in a very long time. Hiro shared in detail about all the work he had been doing, and Tadashi was finally able to show off Baymax in the flesh… or rather vinyl.

Hiro was impressed to say the least.

“After I had him scan me for the first time, I brought him down to the soup kitchen so I could test him out on some more people too.” Tadashi spoke one night over dinner. Hikaru was staying overnight at Aunt Cass’s.

“The first two people in line was Bea, that girl you saved with your mega bot. And Max the kid you ended giving your mega bot too.” He revealed taking a mouthful of soup. Hiro snickered when he watched the older one wave his hand by his face. The words “hot, hot,” were uttered before it all came spilling out of his mouth.

Hiro used a napkin to wipe his brother’s face. The contact made Tadashi blush, since the last time they had any sort of physical contact was Hiro’s first night back. It had seemed to be an unspoken agreement that the two of them to not mention that night. The two of them been spending a lot of their time at the hospital, so Tadashi could show off to Hiro all his research, and developments he had made. After a long day of working together, the two of them ended up at an Italian restaurant.

When the moment subsided, Hiro finally responded. “Were they… you know okay?”

“Oh yeah.” Tadashi answered with a nod.

                “We’ve both come along way.” Hiro added raises his glass of wine. “I think that deserves a toast of some kind?”

                Tadashi cleared his throat. “Definitely.” He agreed following the suit. “To all the things we’ve overcome, and for all the accomplishments that are still to come yet.”

                “To us,” Hiro rang back simply, as their glasses clinked together. Hiro took a careful sip of his wine as he watched Tadashi intently.

                With the music playing gently in the background, and as the sips of alcohol settled. Hiro felt at peace.  In the two weeks that passed, it really felt like their relationship was mending. Whether they remained brothers or lovers or something in between. Hiro felt like things would be actually be alright for them. They wouldn’t be perfect, or easy. And like Tadashi had once said to him… _One day I might be feeling really good about this, and the other one not so much. Or vise versa._ Even when their relationship wasn’t defined, Hiro remembered this.

                When he went away again, he made sure Tadashi was in a better place first. He promised to come visit more often. What would come out of those visits, Hiro couldn’t be sure. All he knew was that he was in a place where he could no longer have his emotions for his older brother hold him back from living his life. He had found a balance that was right for him. One that made life manageable, and even worth living.

                The two brothers would skype each other when coming home wasn’t possible. Tadashi was able to meet Hiro’s boyfriend that way. Maybe it was wrong to show him off, but he did insist on meeting him before he left. Sometimes Hiro was alone, he would still jerk off to his brother. And on nights, when his boyfriend went out, Hiro would see if Tadashi was free. Most often they spent their time just chatting, but with how unpredictable their relationship had become it also sometimes ended with dirty talk, and heavy breaths too. Maybe one day they would stop for good.

                One day would come, it would come for a few months. It would even come for a year. One time, Hiro knew all too well that it could come for eight years. No matter how different their lives had become, their energies would come together again. Even if it was only briefly, Hiro had come to accept their relationship for what it become. He accepted how it could go from non-existent to the only thing that existed or made sense… to not making any sense at all.

                The two brothers were together, and also not together. They were and they weren’t. Just like how his microbots existed, but yet at the same time they did not.  On the lonely nights, he had but one thing that comforted him, and his head would dance to the rhythm that reminded him of it most. Tadashi. Even when he wasn’t there. He was.

_Baby, you were my picket fence_

_I miss missing you now and then._

 

**The End.**


End file.
